The Huddle
What you're entitled to ask about
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This call happened on Wednesday 2 September. Bhavna Radia answered questions about money, what you are entitled to ask for, and how the process actually works.
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What was asked
Every question here was sent in by someone in the room. Names and identifying details have been taken out.
He’s applied for divorce. I’m in agreement. Both still living in the family home. He has removed his wages from the joint account (he gets paid 3.5 times more than me) I’m reluctant to ask for money from him but am struggling to make it to the end of the month. Should he be paying for child maintenance? Bills? While we are both here? Or is just the mortgage enough? We have 3 children 18 at uni, 17 at college, 13 at school. Eldest is getting minimum finance as it’s based on household income yet I don’t have a household income of that amount. Anything I can do? Inheritance? I received some inheritance (it’s in an account in my name only) is he entitled to any of that? Pensions - he has several and is currently trying to collate them all. I feel like I can’t ask for any of these that he had previous to us getting married but should I or can I claim any of them? Does he need to be paying child maintenance while still living in the family home? I also inherited part share of my parents home - but only if it sells which it’s not - he wants a share of that, can he claim it? I own both the family cars can I sell him one? He is asking for me to hand it over. Should I? He has asked me to leave the family home can he do that? (I can’t afford to and the kids would come with me) He is claiming I owe him £100k for not paying my fair share of bills over last 20 years but I have brought up my kids, taken a school based role hence the not great pay can he ask that? ( I have put in about that amount with deposit for the house, savings, and parental cash help)
Anonymous
I divorced my ex husband in 2012, and found out he had received a very substantial inheritance. I bought the house we lived in, putting all my money into the deposit. When we split, it wasn't equal. He had his inheritance from me. I didn't want anything from that but I left with less than what I put in, and he had all this money hidden away. Is there anything I can do now?
Anonymous
What rights do women have to challenge a pode assessment when the pode actuary did not follow the agreed instructions to calculate pension sharing at a particular agreed age, but 8 years later? This is to my significant detriment and now they want another £2.5k to do the calculations asked for in the initial instruction which my partner will not agree to being done because it is not in his interest.
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Yes, and you do not need his agreement to do it. A single joint expert is instructed to answer the questions in the letter of instruction. If the report calculates at a different age from the one agreed, that is a defective report rather than a new question, and it should be corrected as a matter of course. What to do, in order: Put the letter of instruction and the report side by side and identify the discrepancy precisely, in writing Write to the expert, copying both solicitors, asking them to answer the question they were actually instructed to answer. Experts owe their duty to the court, not to either party, and that matters here Say plainly that this is correcting their own departure from instructions, so it should not attract a further fee of £2,500 You also have the right to put written questions to a single joint expert. That is not something your husband can veto, and "you did not follow the instruction" falls squarely within it. If the expert or he refuses to engage, apply to the court for a direction that the report be completed as instructed, and for a direction on who pays for it. He can refuse to agree. He cannot stop you asking a judge. If the expert declines to correct a report that departs from its instructions, that is also something you can raise with their professional body. Do not accept a settlement based on the figures as they stand. A calculation at the wrong age is not a difference of opinion, it is the wrong answer to the question.I Found out my now ex wife was cheating around 2015 , we had two very young kids , I decided to stay till they were 16 , they were 11 and 8 , I told her I knew she was fooking around told her I was going to get a divorce , I did start it in 2018 , finalised 2019, nil decrisi or something, she had no name on mortgage I bought house before we were married, she was asylum seeker at time (I didn't know) until she had 8 months pregnant, anyway was told to marry her or od lose my daughter to Africa, , I went for mortgage application two years ago found out she put charge on property in 2016 year after I told her I knew she was cheating!, I asked her to remove it last year or so and she hasn't , what can I do to remove it BUT I ain't giving her a penny, note the two kids live with me since divorce and I've never received child care or maintenance off her
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
First find out what it actually is, because that decides everything. Get a copy of the title from HM Land Registry. Most likely it is a matrimonial home rights notice, which a spouse can register against a property held in the other's sole name. If that is what it is, the answer is straightforward. Home rights end automatically when a marriage ends, so a notice registered in 2016 has had no effect since your divorce was finalised in 2019. You apply to the Land Registry to cancel it using their form for cancellation on the ending of a marriage, with a copy of the final order. She does not need to agree and it should cost little or nothing. If the title shows something else, such as a restriction or a notice claiming a beneficial interest in the property, that is a different and more involved problem which needs proper advice. If no financial order was ever made when you divorced, her financial claims may technically still be open regardless of the charge. Removing the entry does not close that off, and a clean break order would. And on maintenance, you can apply to the Child Maintenance Service yourself. The children living with you means she is the paying parent, and that is available to you now.My husband of nearly twenty years has decided he wants to separate and is moving out as found himself a two bedroom rental very quickly. He had a three year affair… I found out nearly a year ago and we tried to repair… I’m still willing as I love him. I’m now worried about finances as yes he sorted out every bill etc and I was the housewife and happy to take care of our children and family home …. I do t know what I need to do to feel safe about everything … he said he’ll pay all house bills .. everything that has come out of our joint account… but said the other day it’s his salary…. I asked him not to use it for lifestyle choices with affair woman as we are married and I’m hoping time apart might make him see what he’s going to lose. Can I ask him that? What should I do to protect myself financially as I’m just terrified at the moment about the future and coping in my own :( Thank you
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Income earned during a marriage is not his alone, and after nearly twenty years as the person who raised the children and ran the home, your claims are strong. Homemaking is treated as an equal contribution to earning. He may not know that, or he may be starting to test it. You can ask him not to spend money on his affair. You cannot make it happen by asking, and promises are not protection. What protects you is arrangements. This week: -Ask him to confirm in writing what he will pay and for how long. A text is enough -Open a bank account in your own name and start putting something into it -Understand that either of you can empty the joint account, and check what is in it -Copy the financial paperwork now, while it is easy. Statements, payslips, mortgage details, pension statements, especially his pensions -If the house is in his sole name only, register your home rights with the Land Registry -Check your credit file so you know what is in your name -Sign nothing and agree nothing yet Once he has moved out, child maintenance becomes payable, and that is calculated on his income rather than negotiated. Protect yourself and stay open to him if that is what you want. Those two things can sit alongside each other.My divorce was settled years ago . I’m thinking about a ‘set-aside-Oder’ he perjured himself in Form E , on giving evidence , stating his self employed income as very low and outgoings High. He’s broken every rule , deliberately misled the court . Is it likely he will be prosecuted for perjury ? He used our son’s bank account to deliberately hide his income , applied for benefits unlawfully . I raised this at the time , it was ignored by the Court as he had Been believed by HMRC and that’s the only ‘evidence’ that counted at the time , no investigation - cheats charter . Inequity the business we built during our marriage has thrived , as his income . No child support or financial maintenance for our children . Sacked our eldest son from his business , to employ his GFs sons ? Punched our second son and has estranged / parent alienation of our youngest and only daughter . He was awarded half my NHS pension ( he didn’t have one to counter claim) and he still has a charge against my house held in my sole name despite having previously paid him 50% equity via solicitor when I asked for it to be put into my sole name . I’m now 59 yrs old worked as NHS nurse for 40 + years need to retire due to chronic ill health but arthritis and can’t afford to . But physically I can’t continue to work until state pension for 8 more years . I’ve raised our kids , kept a roof over our heads and am financially penalised . 🤷♀️🤦♀️🤯🤬 What can I do to have the evidence re looked at via set aside order to reassess the financials ?? As he deliberately misled the court and the evidence wasn’t there at the time of the hearing ???? I’d truly appreciate your advice , as I’ve never been able to financially afford ‘good legal advice ‘ and years later it’s affecting my even more so . I’ve worked hard and only done what’s needed for our children , not for myself . Thank You 🙏
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Set aside for material non-disclosure is possible in principle, and there is no fixed time limit. The test is whether the order would have been substantially different had the truth been known. I have to be straight with you about the obstacle though, because it is a significant one. You raised this at the time and the court considered it and decided against you. Set aside is for things that were hidden and only came to light afterwards. Where an argument was made and lost, that is appeal territory, and those time limits passed long ago. That distinction is the first thing any solicitor will look at. What could still open the door is genuinely new evidence. Not the fact that the business has since thrived, because later success does not by itself prove what he had at the time. What would matter is documentation showing what was actually going through his hands back then, and the account in your son's name is the kind of thing that could do that, if it can be evidenced. On perjury, be realistic. Prosecutions arising from family proceedings are extremely rare. Do not build a plan around it. The thing I would deal with first is the charge on your house. If you paid him his 50% through a solicitor and the charge is still registered against a property in your sole name, that may simply need removing, and it is a completely separate issue from the set aside. It could be relatively quick and cheap to resolve. Dig out the conveyancing file and the evidence of that payment and take it to a conveyancer. That is the most actionable thing in everything you have described. On the pension and maintenance, a pension sharing order already implemented cannot be reopened. And if the maintenance claims were dismissed at the time, there is nothing left to vary, even with your health changing. Find the order and the paperwork, and ask a solicitor whether the fact you raised it at the time closes off the application, and whether the charge on the house can be removed.My husband is adament that as I require a lot more equity to rehouse ( children with me , difference in incomes etc), expensive area that I should not have any of his pension to level them up. There is a 200k difference as I worked very pastime for 20yrs . This is cetv valuations - I've suggested a PODE and he (or solicitor) said I would have to pay. I'm sure this is not right? He is also taking back my car in 7 weeks which is on a lease and he pays for it. I think it's all part of the marital pot to be worked out. He seems to do what he likes and I have no say.
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Offsetting extra equity against pension does happen. What it should not do is leave you housed now and with nothing to live on later. Those are two different needs, and you cannot spend the house. After 20 years part time with a £200,000 CETV gap, a pension share is exactly what the law provides for. The fact that you also need more of the equity does not cancel it out, it reflects that you took on the childcare and he kept his earnings and his pension. So treat "you can have one or the other" as an opening offer. On the PODE he is not right, or at least it is not for him to decide. Where a pension expert is instructed as a single joint expert, the cost is usually shared equally by agreement, and where there is a dispute the court directs who pays and in what proportions. Given the income difference, there is a decent argument for him paying, or paying up front with it accounted for later. The report is also the thing that tests his whole argument, which may be why he is resisting it. CETVs on defined benefit schemes routinely understate the real value, so the £200,000 gap may be considerably larger in income terms. On the car, a lease he pays for is not an asset with a value you can claim. He can stop paying it. What you can do is put replacement transport into your needs, as a real monthly cost, and ask for it to continue in the meantime. He is deciding things unilaterally because nothing is structured yet. Getting the process formally started puts a timetable and a judge behind it, and that is what stops him setting the terms.Why don’t judges take post separation financial abuse and relationship abuse into account. It seems my husband is able to inflict severe poverty on me in the months and months until the hearing and all I hear is the conduct has to be almost murder to count. But it is having real world serious impacts on me.
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
You are right about the conduct bar. For behaviour during the marriage to change the final division, it has to be so extreme that ignoring it would be obviously unfair, and most cases never come close. That test genuinely frustrates people and there is real pressure to change it. But what you are describing is not conduct in that sense, and it does not have to wait for the final hearing. Deliberately leaving you without enough to live on while proceedings run is a live issue with remedies available now: 1. Maintenance pending suit. An interim order that he pays you a sum each month until the case concludes. 2. A legal services payment order. An order that he funds your legal costs where he has the money and you do not 3. Costs orders. Courts are far more willing to penalise behaviour during the proceedings than behaviour during the marriage. Delay, non-disclosure and starving the other side out all come under that heading So the answer to your question is that the courts do take it into account, and not through conduct. They take it through interim orders. The months and months of poverty you are describing are not an inevitable feature of the process. They are what happens when nobody applies for interim relief, which is common because most people do not know it is available. Get advice specifically on an interim application rather than waiting for the final hearing.We signed a Declaration of Trust mid marriage when we moved from my house (no mortgage) to another. My share is 81 % his is 19%. He wants 50%. I earn £14000 annually, he went £52000 last year. He is 68 and also receiving state pension, I have 14 months before I do. I have 35000 private pension accrued through NHS and an NHS pension already in draw down of £380 a month, he is not disclosing his whole pension yet. I've just seen on his recent statements that he has also been claiming Attendance Allowance for some reason. He works full time and does not receive any care with anything. My question is. How much weight does my declaration of trust have? I assumed I'd paid for it to stick but apparently not? Thank you
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
It carries real weight as evidence, and it does not bind the court. That is the frustrating thing. On divorce the court has power to redistribute property however it is held, so a declaration of trust between spouses cannot fix the outcome in the way it would between two unmarried co-owners. What it does is stand as clear written evidence of what you both intended and where the money came from, signed at a time when neither of you was arguing. That is a strong starting point, particularly since the equity originated in a house you owned outright. His 50% is a negotiating position, not an entitlement. Two things strengthen your position further. Whether you each had independent advice when you signed it, and how the marriage has been financed since. Both are worth setting out. The other point is that needs usually erode this kind of protection, and here needs run in your direction rather than his. You earn £14,000, he earns £52,000 and already draws his state pension. He has the greater capacity to rehouse himself. That is an argument for you, not against you. His undisclosed pension is almost certainly one of the largest assets. On the Attendance Allowance. Put it on the list as income that has to be disclosed, and ask about it in your questions. If you genuinely believe it is being claimed wrongly, that is a matter to raise with the DWP separately.My husband has left after 41 years together. He was addicted to crack ultimately spending £100 a day on the habit. In early 2025 he spent 2 weeks in private rehab in the UK followed by 2 weeks in Cape Town. He is originally from South Africa and has remained there since his rehab and is in a new relationship. He had many affairs while we were together. He was an NHS consultant so has a high value pension. My divorce application was lodged at court this month so I'm assuming all the money that has been spent on his addiction will be out of scope in terms of the bank account records we have to provide for a financial settlement? Also I want to keep our jointly owned house as part of my estate on my death for the sake of our daughter and grandson who both have autism but it is a large house. He has already told our daughter he will be leaving money in his will to his new partner of 8 months who is wealthy herself. My husband doesn't currently seem to be against my keeping the house but he wants to buy a bigger property in Cape Town than the share block scheme flat there that we jointly own. I have very little liquid assets of my own which will all be used on the divorce so I would need to 'buy him out' of the house by reducing my share of his NHS pension. So my questions are: 1. Do I have to accept the fact that the total cost of his addiction and recovery across 2024 to March 2025, likely around £35,000, are out of scope in terms of the financial settlement? 2. Do I have a realistic chance of keeping the family home (which would be considered too big for one person) and would I be able to 'buy him out' by reducing my share of his NHS pension. Thank you so much.
Anonymous
We are divorced but finances not yet formalised. Technically, we have agreed finances. I’ve agreed to no asset share post separation, (which is when he really bolstered up his pension) I want to keep the peace and cannot face the emotional and financial impact of legal arguments. I cannot afford legal costs upfront and am SCARED of a legal fight. ( Ex knows that, and is taking advantage I think) How often will a judge reject and tell us to look again before making a decision if he can see that a past stay at home mum is only agreeing to 20% of total pension out? Upfront legal costs are guiding me. How should I approach to keep my costs down? Just agree with ex?
Anonymous
I separated from my husband in July 2025 after he immediately relapsed post 30 days of in an alcohol rehab centre. He has always showed patterns of covert narcissism, financial abuse, emotional abuse etc and whilst I’m relieved to not be living under the same roof as him, he is still controlling everything. I gave up a great career to raise our three boys (youngest nearly 16 and doesn’t want contact with his Dad) and we have been diagnosed with CPTSD. I applied for divorce in November 2025, ex husband hadn’t responded and has failed so far at the second attempt at mediation. I am trying to sort legal aid out to be able to get some legal help as I have very little money. My husband won’t let me sell the house, he refuses to sign with an estate. So I’m still trapped in a house that gives me flash backs to all the abuse, as is my youngest son. The house is very cold in the winter and very expensive to heat. I had breast cancer in 2019 and I’m still on medication for it so I’m struggling with side effects and can only work the permitted hours in ESA given that I’m in the cancer support group. The mediator won’t release the second MIAM certificate until her bills have been paid but I can’t afford to pay them and my ex is impossible to communicate because of his nature and because of his drinking. His girlfriend / landlady has just ended their relationship and he has to move out of his flat by the end of August. I’m scared he’ll try to move back to the house or I won’t know his onward address to be able to communicate. Post separation abuse continues via WhatsApp messages but I’m learning to ignore this. I’m in permanent fight or flight with dreadful brain fog and I don’t know who best to ask for help from
Anonymous
I'm 66 had been with my ex partner for 26 years, we are not married, so not sure I can ask a question, but here goes, I left my Abusive partner in September of 2026, with one bag of items, I had to leave the house which is in both our names as he was drunk and abusive , he is now a recovering Alcoholic, he is still living in the house and says he will not sell unless it suits him, he has always had control of the finances,which I now find we are in debt, he has passed over the debts in my name to me, I have contacted Citizens Advice and they say go to a solicitor but it may cost you a lot and the amount of information I have to gather is staggering, which he has and will not give up and because of the mental abuse I have gone through I'm not in the position to get the paperwork, so I am at a stand still, I'm still having to work as I'm privately renting which is so expensive and am beside myself with worry about my future. There seems no help or justice for women in this position. What do I do now.
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Not being married does make a real difference. There is no common law wife, no claim for maintenance, no claim on his pension. That is a genuine injustice although this will change soon. But you own half a house. He says he will not sell until it suits him. He also cannot sell, remortgage or release a penny from it without you. You can apply to court for an order that it be sold. A joint owner does not get to sit there indefinitely and refuse. Get your credit file. Free, takes minutes, and it shows every debt in your name. He cannot pass debts to you. You owe what you signed for and nothing else Get the title from the Land Registry, about £3. If you hold it as joint tenants, your share would pass to him automatically on your death. You can change that yourself without his agreement Make a will For free help, Surviving Economic Abuse runs a Financial Support Line for exactly this situation, and StepChange covers the debt side. Get a full benefits check too, because at 66 and paying private rent there may be help you are not claiming. On the paperwork you have been told to gather, you need far less than you fear. There is no disclosure process for unmarried couples. The title, the mortgage balance, what you contributed, and your credit file.Married 26 years, 3 children only one under 18, separated 2 months, husband on police bail with no contact conditions in place, for the past 24 years I have been the higher earner and for the past 7 years he hasn't worked but has run up debt of approx £140,000. I was forced to remortgage in 2017 to put £100,000 into his business to keep it afloat, it failed in 2019 and some the debt stems from business loans he took out. The rest of the debt is in our personal names, I was forced to take loans out in my name, the abuse has been financial, physical and emotional, there has been several incidents involving police over the past 20 years. He doesn't work, the children and I live in the jointly owned matrimonial home, equity around £250,000, I pay the mortgage and the bills. My question is, in the course of divorce will any of the abuse be taken in to account or is that not relevant when looking at finances. Will I be liable for debts from his business that failed if they were taken in a Ltd Co name, although they are now in his personal name as the company is closed, does that mean I too will be liable for those debts during the divorce?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
So sorry you've been through so much. The honest general position is that behaviour during a marriage rarely changes the financial outcome. Conduct only counts where it would be genuinely unfair to ignore it, and that is a high bar which most cases do not meet. Courts do not adjust settlements to reflect who behaved badly. Financial abuse sits differently though. The reason is that financial abuse shows up in the numbers rather than in the feelings. Money you were made to borrow, debt run up in your name, and money taken out of the family home and put into something that failed are all facts that appear in the disclosure. So the way to run this is not "he was abusive, so I should get more". It is "£100,000 came out of the equity in the family home, went into his business, and has gone, and I have been servicing the borrowing ever since". That is an argument for an unequal division in your favour. Money that has been deliberately or recklessly dissipated can, in some circumstances, be treated as though he's already received it from the pot. The rest of the abuse matters elsewhere. It is directly relevant to arrangements for your youngest child, to protective orders, and to your eligibility for legal aid, which you may well qualify for. It also means you are exempt from having to attempt mediation before applying to court. Marriage does not make you liable for someone else's debt. You are liable to a lender for what you have signed, and for nothing else. A limited company's debts belong to the company, not to its directors or shareholders. If those debts have followed him personally after the company closed, that usually means he gave a personal guarantee. In that case they are his liability and not yours, and no lender can pursue you for them. Where you are liable is anything in your sole name and anything in joint names. That includes the loans you say you were made to take out. To the lender, the reason you signed does not change your obligation, and that is worth knowing plainly. Then there is the separate question of how debts are treated inside the divorce, which is different from who owes them. All the debts go into the overall picture. Debts that one person ran up alone, for their own purposes, are generally treated as theirs rather than shared. His personal debts and the fallout from his failed business are unlikely to be treated as a joint responsibility that comes off the top before the equity is divided. Expect that to be exactly what he argues though. With around £250,000 of equity and £140,000 of debt, the whole case turns on whether those debts come out of the pot before it is split or stay with him. There is also a special argument about loans taken under pressure or undue influence.I have been married before and have got remarried. Are the assets I had before my second marriage taken into account if I was to get divorced again? I owned the house we live in now and have paid all of the mortgage. I don’t know what the circumstances would be split up.
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Everything you own gets taken into account, in the sense that it all has to be disclosed. What you brought in, what you own now, all of it goes on the table so the full picture is known. Whether it gets shared is the separate question. Assets you had before the marriage start off as non-matrimonial. What you built together during the marriage is what gets shared as a starting point. So in principle, things you owned before you remarried have some protection. But the family home is the exception, and this is the important part The home you live in as a married couple is usually treated as matrimonial property, whoever bought it, whoever is on the deeds, and whoever paid the mortgage. It is the home the marriage was lived in, and courts treat it differently from other assets for that reason. So the fact that you owned it before and have paid all the mortgage yourself does not take it out of the pot. It is an argument about how much of it should be shared. Other assets that you had from before yoursecond marriage might be safe unless there is not enough to meet housing need, income need and pension need But if it was a short marriage then there is good reason to say that you keep whatever you went into the marriage with. You can put a post-nuptial agreement in place now. It works like a prenup but is signed during the marriage. These are not automatically binding, and courts do give them real weight when they are done properly. That means full financial disclosure on both sides, separate legal advice for each of you, no pressure, and terms that are not so one sided that they leave the other person unable to meet their needs. Alongside that, keep the evidence. What the property was worth when you remarried, what you have put in since, and where the money came from. That paper trail is what supports the argument if it is ever needed. Make sure you don't use any of the other assets such as money towards the family so you could argue that it is kept out of the marital pot. There are no guarantees. The court has a wide discretion and it applies it to the circumstances at the time. What a post-nuptial does is put a clear, documented agreement in front of a judge instead of leaving them to work it out from scratch.I’ve never seen his sole bonk account only the joint one. How do I get access to check if he’s been above board for the last 18 years
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
You can't really check back 18 years without a reason. Standard disclosure of bank accounts is 12 months of statements. You can ask for a longer period, but you need a reason for it. Something specific you have seen, or a particular time when you believe money moved. A request for 18 years will be resisted, and a court would be unlikely to order it. The purpose of disclosure is to establish what exists now, so it can be shared. It is not an audit of his conduct over the marriage. Money spent years ago on ordinary living has gone, and it does not come back into the pot. Start with what you can already see. Go through the joint account line by line and look at transfers out to accounts you do not recognise, standing orders you cannot explain, and where his salary went if it did not come in there. Then when his 12 month bank statement arrive do the same again and keep asking until the gaps close. What disclosure can do is give you a complete and accurate picture of what there is today. That is what your settlement is built on, and that is what protects you.Morning! I think guidance from Bhavna about the biggest mistakes you can make going into/through a divorce and what happens next would be useful My divorce is done, my ex is still financially abusive but for my peace of mind I ignore him for the most part
Anonymous
I got divorced pretty amicably 6 years ago and agreed finances but didn't get a consent order/clean break order. I think technically this is a risk to my finances, especially with future inheritance money, but how big a risk is it? And is it fixable now without having to retrace and evidence all the decisions we made years ago? And without high expense?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Yes you are right it could be a risk to finances and future inheritance. The divorce ended your marriage. It did not end the financial claims either of you can make against the other. Those stay open indefinitely, and there is no time limit that closes them. Claims have been successfully brought many years after a divorce, in some cases decades later. So the position is that your ex can, in principle, still make a claim against your income, your capital, your property and your pension. Money that arrives in the future is exactly the kind of thing that draws a claim, because the argument becomes about need rather than about what you built together. One thing that helps you slightly. If your ex remarries without having made an application, he loses the ability to bring most financial claims. The good news is that it is fixable, and more easily than you fear You do not need to retrace and evidence every decision from six years ago. What you need is a consent order that records what you agreed and implemented, and dismisses all financial claims on both sides, including on death. That is the clean break. The court will want an up to date snapshot of where you both are now financially, on a short summary form, and a plainly drafted order. It is not an audit of the past. The court fee is modest, currently around £62. The drafting is the main cost, and for a straightforward order where everything has already been implemented and you both agree, this is usually a few hundred pounds rather than thousands. The one thing you need You need his cooperation and his signature though. Once an inheritance has actually arrived, your finances have changed and he will see this you should check your will, your life insurance beneficiaries and the death benefit nomination on your pension. Those are commonly left pointing at an ex husband for years after the divorce, and they cause real problems.Left my ex in 2015 got divorced in 2019 he was gunning for my pension I was still working I was 56 when I left him My ex was retired when we married. In 2005 he was 17 years older than me .I got nothing from our divorce because i panicked and didnt want him coming after my pension So I signed whatever my solicitor gave me . We were married 10 years .I have never thought this was right we have no children I live in Scotland
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Thank you for sharing this, and I am sorry you have carried the feeling for so long that something was not right. As you are in Scotland, and Scottish law works on a genuinely different system from England and Wales. Scotland shares matrimonial property, which is broadly what was built between the date of the marriage and the date you separated, and pensions are treated differently as a result. I work in the English system, so anything I told you would be a guess, and you have had enough of decisions made on incomplete information. What I would do is book one fixed fee appointment with a Scottish family solicitor and ask them directly whether anything remains open. You can find one through the Law Society of Scotland, and Citizens Advice Scotland is free if cost is a worry.What happens to the family home in a divorce?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
There is no automatic rule that one person keeps it or that it gets sold. The court looks at needs first, particularly housing for any children still at home, and works backwards from there. The usual outcomes are a sale with the proceeds divided, one of you buying the other out, or a deferred sale where you stay until a trigger point such as the youngest finishing school. Which one fits depends on income, mortgage capacity and what else is in the pot. Whose name is on the deeds does not decide who ends up with it. If the house is in his sole name, register your matrimonial home rights with HM Land Registry. It costs nothing and stops the property being sold or remortgaged without your knowledge.How do I understand pensions and financial settlements?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
With financial settlement the first part is to understand what you both have in your names when it comes to money and property. This is called disclosure. Start by asking for the cash equivalent transfer value of every pension, his and yours. That figure is what schemes give you, but treat it as a starting point rather than the truth. Final salary and public sector pensions are often worth considerably more in retirement income than the transfer value suggests. Once you have this you then look to working out what is fair and reasonable in your circumstances. The law looks at what you both need for housing, income and pensions. Three ways pensions get dealt with. A pension sharing order splits the pot and gives you your own pension. Offsetting means you take other assets instead. Attachment orders pay you a share of his income later and are rarely a good idea. Where the pensions are large or defined benefit, a pensions on divorce expert report is worth the cost. The mistake to avoid is trading the house against the pension on face value alone.How do I even start the divorce process without it costing a fortune?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
You don't need to spend anything on the divorce application. You can apply yourself online at gov.uk yourself for a court fee of around £628. If you are on a low income or certain benefits you can apply for Help with Fees and pay less or nothing. You don't need a solicitor for this part. You don't need to instruct a lawyer for any part of the process. But if you do the cost comes from the financial settlement, and it goes up depending on how disorganised and/or contested it is. So make sure you are organised and you've gathered all your financial information. Pull together statements, pension values, mortgage details and income figures. Whatever you agree financially needs to go into a consent order sealed by the court, which costs about £62 to lodge. This is not a step you can skip. You don't need to spend thousands on betting the consent order prepared but you should get a professional to prepare the consent order for you.How do I know if I'm being taken advantage of financially?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
It's difficult to answer this without having more information about what exactly you are worried about. When you say "being taken advantage of financially" I'm presuming you mean ending up with less than a fair outcome. So what you need to know is what you both have financially and then what a fair share would look like. You might be feeling like you don't know what money, property and assets there are and that is why you are feeling like you might be taken advantage of. What you need to know is what you have and that includes everything in your name, everything in his, and everything in joint names with you or with anyone else. Property, savings, investments, shares, pensions, businesses, cars, anything of real value, plus the debts and loans. Values for all of it, with evidence. Until you have that you have nothing to measure against, and so you can't see what would be fair or unfair. Broadly, what was built during the marriage is shared, and then adjusted according to what each of you needs going forward, with children's needs coming first. Remember pensions are part of the pot and can be the largest asset after the house. And time spent raising children or running the home is treated as an equal contribution to time spent earning. Sometimes it's not knowing that puts you on a back foot. Make sure you are clear.How do I avoid unnecessary legal costs?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
What most people don't realise is that you don't have to instruct a solicitor at all for a divorce. You can do most of it yourself. This will massively reduce the tens of thousands of legal costs that lots of people end up paying. The average divorce costs £18,000 per person with many people paying way over that. The way to think about this is to work out what actually needs a solicitor, and then stop paying one for everything else. Most of the work required for the divorce is administrative. It is document gathering, chasing, form filling, routine letters going back and forth and that does not all have to be done by someone charging you £300 an hour plus VAT. You can do most if not all of the work yourself. Things like making the divorce application. This is an online form which has been written so you can do it yourself. Most of it is simple. With regards to the finances you can gather information yourselves. Make sure the other person also does the same. Ideally you want to get documentary evidence such as bank statements, payslips, pension values, mortgage details, valuations Share this information with each other and be ready to answer questions. You know your situation better than anyone else. Work out your income and expenditure so you know how much you need every month to pay your bills when you are separated. You should get some help working out what a fair and reasonable settlement looks like for you before you reach an agreement. There's nothing worse than agreeing something that is far lower than what you are entitled to. The financial order is a complex document so you should definitely get help with drafting that too. A solicitor will charge around £2,500-3,500 for this depending on complexity. There are low cost providers that prepare it at a fraction of that. There maybe some costs with getting a pension sharing order or valuation of a business etc that you may need that come with a cost. In conclusion it is possible to do it yourself but you don't want to make mistakes so make sure you are informed and have some knowledge. And that is something you can get in abundance these days.I haven't worked because I raised the children. He says I'd get nothing because he was the earner. Is that true?
Anonymous
I have proof of affairs. What do I actually do with it?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
Unfortunately, its less than you were hoping. Since the law changed in 2022 you would not put down that your husband had affairs. Any bad conduct doesn't usually get taken into account in your financial settlement either. However, if he spent marital funds on the affair, hotels, gifts, rent, transfers, that is potentially money taken out of the pot that can be argued back in. So go through what proof you have and look for spending rather than for evidence of the relationship.He says he'd make my life difficult if I leave. I believe him. I can't stay. Where do I start?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
If he's saying he'll make your life difficult then you should prepare for that. My motto is always - hope for the best and prepare for the worst! Sometimes its a threat to keep you there and he just knows he won't make it easy. Most of the time this looks like him delaying, refusing to provide information, being unreasonable, telling you that you will get nothing, running the costs up so that you run out of money and energy before he does. It will be draining but you will be fine because you know its coming You have to make sure you are safe because he's telling you he's going to be difficult. If you are frightened of his reaction, if he has ever made you feel unsafe physically, or if he controls the money, the phone or where you go, please speak to someone who does this work before you take any other step. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, free and open 24 hours. Women's Aid also runs a live chat if a phone call is not safe for you. Make sure you've considered your digital privacy. Shared iCloud or Google accounts, location sharing, a family phone plan, a laptop he can open. Set up a new email account he does not know about and use it for anything to do with this. Your access to paperwork will never be better than it is right now. Get copies while it is normal for you to have them, and store them in that new email account or with someone you trust. Gather as much information as you can about your finances. Where you cannot get a document, write down what you know exists anyway. A list of accounts without numbers is still evidence of what needs to be disclosed. Third, a few protective steps. Keep a dated note of anything relevant that happens from now on. One last thing about his threat. A person who refuses to disclose properly is not in a strong position in England and Wales. The court can draw conclusions from what he will not produce and can make him pay the costs of his own behaviour. You asked where to start. Start with being safe, gather information then get some advice. The process starts after that.I'm 48 with four grown-up children. Am I too old to leave?
Anonymous
Bhavna answered
No you're definitely not too old! And it gives you an opportunity to find the life you want on the other side. I am seeing many people leaving their marriages when they are retired and you're much younger than them. And now your children have grown up, you have less to deal with if you were to leave. If you have money or property you would need to concentrate on reaching an agreement. The question is whether you know what is in the matrimonial pot and what a fair share would be for you. Being prepared makes a difference.Hi there - how do i keep myself safe once i ask for divorce?
Anonymous
I have never been involved with the 'money' part of our marriage, and I don't know where to look - he might have 50 accounts for all I know - how to start?
Anonymous
Thank you for this Harry & Bhavna. We are sorting out the consent order. 3 kids, 10 year marriage. House selling now as i cant afford mortgage. His pension is 65k house equity 68k. Proposal is I get equity, he gets his pension. I have no pension. I earn 18k he earns 55k. Thoughts appreciated please. I cant afford legal advice.
Anonymous
Not answered on the night.
Hi, I am unsure of the best thing to do - I am 68, 10 years older than husband, still working part time. I want to retire but will not be able to afford it if we divorce. He has recently medically retired from Civil service . 10 years married, 16 years living together. No children or shared property. He currently pays nothing to me but has shared his lump sum from his pension. He has other pensions maturing soon and obviously, will inherit from his mother. He says he wants to divorce but does nothing about it. Would it be in my best interest to divorce him, would I be entitled to a share of his pension? Thank you
Anonymous
Not answered on the night.
As my ex husband and I complete the divorce paperwork, I wanted to ask how inheritances are handled. My ex husband received a substantial inheritance from his late father’s estate earlier this year when we were still together. Given our current financial situation and my ongoing needs, is this inheritance something the court will take into account and can I address this in our financial settlement.
Anonymous
Not answered on the night.
Can I ask to claim all of the child benefits from the government if he is unwilling to pay for child support?
Anonymous
Not answered on the night.
I want the divorce after years of feeling disconnected. His behaviour is the primary reason. But I feel guilty for leaving. Consent order: it’s important for my husband to think he’s ’won’ in the financial settlement. We have already split our capital assets and he has come out with approx 60% to my 40%. I’m ok with that-it was an easy way to do it. But, pension sharing order-wise, I want to ensure it’s ‘fair’. I couldn’t build my own pension due to a) his military service - I had 9 addresses in 11 years. b) after military service we had children and our joint decision was that I’d be a stay at home mum as his work took him away overnight approximately 60% of every month. Will the court sign off on a 50% CETV share of our joint CETV values. I know this won’t provide me with as much income as him, but it will certainly be enough. OR will the fact that he has expensive hobbies mean that the court will award him more than 50%.
Anonymous
Not answered on the night.
Bhavna will be back, and there are five questions above that carry over to her next session.
Every call goes into the Huddle library the way this one has, and you can see who is coming up next on the Huddle page: dadhugsforyoursoul.com/huddle
About Bhavna Radia
Bhavna Radia spent years as a family lawyer, then got divorced herself at forty. She knows the system from the inside, and she knows what it's like to be the one sitting opposite the solicitor, frightened, wondering what you're allowed to ask for. She's since supported hundreds of women through it.