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I have an appointment to Euthanize Nym today. How do you make an appointment to kill your best friend of 16 years. God I need you today. But Nym and I have weathered many storms alone. So, today we take our last drive together. And I do one more thing alone....

Instead: Wept

LR

What actually was I to you? Someone you could message to share moments of intimacy, and humour and warmth with. But then it would vanish. And I’d wonder when / if I’d hear from you. No longer seeing each other at our kids’ school events, any real world connection disappeared, You told me nice things and it felt like ‘something’. But it never really happened. You told me how you went on dating sites - though it wasn’t for you. But because you didn’t like how it worked; nothing to do with me. I wondered why you never asked me out. When we had so much, and could have had so much more. I couldn’t ask you for fear of you saying no, and me losing what I had. I’ve lost it anyway. Because I needed to choose me when you didn’t.

Instead: Re-wrote my message multiple times. Then made dinner.

Anonymous, day 30

Facebook posts and (most) friends say the same thing: just walk away. He’s given you crumbs. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how much you felt; how much he hurt you. I know it’s true in some ways. But you also made me feel alive. You made me feel like me. I want you to know: I want to tell you how much I felt and how it broke me a bit more each time you were silent. To the point where I couldn’t keep the connection going anymore. I want you to know I’ve not contacted you, not because I don’t care, or because life has got in the way or because I’ve met someone, but because I needed to protect myself. I can’t keep going until you tell me you’ve met someone. I could never hear those words.

Instead: Tried not to cry in public. I constantly feel on the verge of tears. Cried in bed.

Anonymous, day 32

I don’t why you’ve gone quiet again. Our last chat was light and fun. And then nothing. I could have messaged you again. I don’t need for us to ‘take turns’, but I do need to not carry this connection alone. As always, I wonder: is it just that you don’t even really notice the gaps - as you dip in and out? Are you depressed and withdrawn? Have you met someone? Though our last messages were jokey, before that you’d said some intimate and thoughtful things - was that you much for you? Or was my reply too much? I wish I knew, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. The impact is the same. It’s feels destabilising to have closeness and then have it vanish. I don’t know whether to stay in silence - silence was your choice. Or to tell you why I can’t do this anymore. I fucking adore you, and I’ll never get to tell you.

Instead: Listened to the radio. Cried. (I have cried far too much over you).

Anonymous, day 31

I want a day when I don’t think about you. As if it’s not enough that I think about you anyway, you pop up, online in mutual friends’ posts; or I see your likes (I no longer follow you, but I haven’t unfriended you (yet)). I see you comment in the kids’ football WhatsApp group we’re both in. Do I cross your mind at all?

Instead: Messaged a friend. Cried.

Anonymous, day 32

I miss you. I want to message you and tell you, but I can't bear that distant business like tone you used last time we spoke. I want to go out and sleep with some random guy just to feel a bit wanted and chosen again

Instead: Made plans with friends. Read my book. Went to bed early.

R, day 210

How come life never brings us together when I know with every atom in my body that you always love me as much as I love you. 20 years already. I love you. Never the right time. Can we just grow the fuck up

Instead: Went on to live and try and love my life untill the right time comes

Anonymous, day 7300

The lyrics to this song explain it better than I can: ---------- Yelling at the sky Screaming at the world Baby, why'd you go away? I'm still your girl Holding on too tight Head up in the clouds Heaven only knows where you are now How do I love, how do I love again? How do I trust, how do I trust again? I stay up all night, tell myself I'm alright Baby, you're just harder to see than most I put the record on, wait 'til I hear our song Every night, I'm dancing with your ghost Every night, I'm dancing with your ghost Never got the chance To say a last goodbye I gotta move on But it hurts to try ----------- I hope my heart forgets you soon, because my head is irritated with it for still missing whatever it's clinging onto of you. All I wanted was for you to love me. Nobody else, just you.

Instead: Listened to lots of music

Anonymous

I believed you when you told me that loyalty was important to you and that you would never make me look stupid. I ignored my gut feeling the last 2 months so so many times, only to find out now that it was right the entire time. Do you understand how painful that is? Do you know how hard it is to not respond to your texts telling me that you miss me? All the texts of you attempting to convince me that you aren’t the monster I know you to be now? It would be so much easier to take you back and be willfully ignorant of all the deception. My heart hurts so bad & nothing I could say to you would make you understand what you’ve done. I really thought that you were the one. You were my best friend. How did this even happen?

Instead: Chose to love myself more

Bri, day 8

The blazing maple we planted for your grandmother is over 20 feet this year. Dorothy is beautiful. I used your screwdriver set to drain the pool, I still see your sunshine on the daylight savings time light near the sink. It makes me remember the very best parts of you. I know you don’t want to be here but maybe in a quiet movement you don’t hate me. Maybe you remember something I did right; maybe I gave you a sunshine on your clock. I’ll miss you until the day I leave this earth and beyond. I know it can’t work. When the cops got involved it ended any chances. I do think you had the affair and if I had the chance, I’d forgive it. You needed something you weren’t getting. I did too but I’d cheated in other relationships and knew it wouldn’t fix ours. You didn’t. I don’t hold anyone accountable to what only time can teach. I still have love for you. Pet Leia for me ok? I’m with you both in spirit and wish you could both be with me.

Instead: I closed the pool. I put away the pool chairs and I celebrated that I once was fortunate enough to carry your beautiful heart.

CN, day 500

You being out of my life brings me more peace of mind than when you were in it. I think that says it all. I dont long for you anymore. I still fancy you physically and miss the sex, but I felt empty afterwards, because you never showed up emotionally. And honestly, you weren't the best I've ever had - I think the trauma bond just ramped it up. I'd rather be intimate with a man who gives a shit, is loyal, genuine, gentle, and cares about my experience too. I'll never give myself to anyone else without being sure of the person that they are. And realistically, they'll show that by sticking around until I'm ready - not by being a selfish creep like you. I'm nowhere near ready to be open to any other man at the moment, but I hope one day to be able to feel real love, and enjoy it, without feeling like I have to apologise for being who I am. I never want to have to worry if I'm good enough ever again. Or feel like I'm jumping through hoops for time and affection to be directed my way. When I think of how you treated me, I realise how twisted you are. But I won't become like you. I won't let the fact that I have a big heart and a massive capacity to love and care be seen as a bad thing ever again. I've no idea what you have where your heart should be. A block of fucking concrete maybe. I went through a period of feeling sad that you're so hollow and emotionally bankrupt. But now I see that you see those things as your superpowers, you sick fuck. You don't even deserve pity.

Instead: Down the beach, watching the waves.

Anonymous

I had sex with someone new last night, and it made me miss you. The big ones hurt.

Instead: Pelvic floor exercises

Anonymous

Hi, Me again. By still thinking about you I am still in relationship with you. even if you are invisible. Until I can not be thinking about you, untill you begin to fade, then the great iniquity is that as its you who broke us, and broke your promises and ran away, llike a pouty princcess instead of being a man or a king, is that I didnt choose to have part of me eroded, destroyed, stolen. I ddnt choose to have a space filed with you shadow and appaling lies and bad behaviour. I chose to have less stress and more disco. You lied . you coward. You are fixing your real estate, not the reality of people. painting your garare roof instead of coming on that date, and not calling me and turning off your phone. is the great criem of ommission and your only pivotal point of justification. Its pretty weak isnt it. I dont know who will want to buy the empitness of what you call your house. Its not a home is it..

Instead: still in bed. I have to go so slow these days.

Annie s, day 1

You said everything was my fault and maybe it was my fault for believing all those promises you made at the start that are now long forgotten. I miss who you were at the start, the you that wanted to go to new places with me, to eat out somewhere new, that wrote me poems and initiated hugs, that would say good morning beautiful, that wanted to know how my day had been, asked what I thought and cared how I felt. I especially miss the caring how I felt. Was that version of you ever real or was it all pretending? I feel like you stole so many years of my life, but worst of all I feel like you stole my laughter, my ability to really laugh. That's the most difficult bit to deal with.

Instead: Went to get therapy.

Anonymous

I hope you realize how much you’ve hurt and disrespected me. I gave you the best of me and yet you treated me as a convenient placeholder. Somebody to keep while it’s easy and get rid of when it starts getting hard. I take ownership of my faults and actions, and i hope someday you find the courage to face everything that you’ve been trying to run from.

Instead: Went for a walk

Anonymous, day 120

You used me as a practice run, to try everything out on, without giving me the experience of having a real partner in return. And why? So you could get yourself confident enough to go after her. Well some news for you - you'll never know how much ego boosting, faking and over compensation I had to perform to keep you happy and boost your fragile ego. You absolutely sucked the soul out of me. So don't count on yourself being the ultimate man. I can assure you, you're not. You've put on such a public show with her that you're going to need to need to cling on for grim death to the persona you've spun, just to save face. How you guna cope when the thrill of the chase subsides and the daily grind kicks in? You'll be exhausted trying to maintain the facade. I hope you're already bone tired. And the public scrutiny? That'll be a chefs kiss moment of your own making. Hopefully life will conjure up enough nonsense to pay you back for the destruction you've caused others. Because it isn't just me you've damaged. I'm the biggest collateral damage. But you use and abuse and play Mr hard done by. Know what I don't miss? Having to put up with your constant victim drama. Honestly being around you is like existing in a soap opera. You're like a toddler. And I suppose that is the crux of it with you. You won't deal with your Mummy wounds so you'll just make everyone else suffer for as long as you live. You punished me for loving you. And when you realise nobody else treats you as well as I did, don't try anything, because you're not welcome in my life, and never will be. I need to be left alone to heal and move forward. And my life from here has zero tolerance for bullshit, let alone your toxicity. I'd love to say I wish you well, but I don't.

Instead: Going to go out for a walk later. Trying new places. For ME!

Anonymous

I miss you. You haunt my house. I can’t look anywhere without seeing something that reminds me of you. I wish you didn’t leave and I wish you didn’t block me. I wish we could talk. I wish you had included me in this decision and let us work together through whatever was going on for you. I hate you for making me believe you were all in, invested and were going to be my person. And I hate myself for being silly enough to believe you and let my walls down. Fuck you. But also, I love you. Please come back.

Anonymous, day 73

I haven’t replied intentionally and I feel bad about it but I love you and I feel crazy for it. I miss you soooooooo much and you will never know.

Anonymous

I like you. Or I want to like you. We're just getting to know one another. But I'm not really sensing the interest, the curiosity. You didn't text back. I can't be the one doing most of the reaching out. The last relationship. Well, no. Let me not go there. I choose unavailable people. Neglectful people. I don't want to be neglected anymore, again. Not texting back feels like the start of neglect. That's worse than lonely. I was excited to think someone could find me potentially loveable and special. "Potentially" because it was so new. And we're too grown for me to explain to you that you have to text back to show your interest. My heart is aching and I'm waist-deep in disappointment. I just wish it was different.

Instead: I sent it here instead.

Bee, day 3

I dont have anything left to say to you because I know its pointless. You never cared. So why would I consider being a friend when you couldn't even show up as a partner.

Instead: I started to journal and didn't stop on a 50 minute flight. My healing has begun.

Kate, day 180

Did you notice you didn't even apologise to my face yesterday?! Just sat there defending yourself, probably with more lies. My head aches and I hate the way i feel all the time, I have a constant lump in my throat, yet I still don't hate you. How can i love someone who makes me question everything you say.

Instead: Washed the dishes and tried to distract my thoughts

Anonymous

Why tell me you loved and wanted me, you wanted me to "make this happen" all along you're friend requesting random women and maintaining a connection with someone else you randomly met, while I notice you pulling away yet you tell me to "stop overthinking" Never again.

Instead: Cried

Anonymous

Why did you use me for so long and make me believe we were building something real, only ti discover you had other options.

Instead: Put my phone down and do something else

Anonymous

Tonight I went on my 1st date since our breakup. Well, actually that was YOUR breakup w/o my consent, but that's a different conversation. I even picked the restaurant we frequented, which may or may not have been stupid. I had an OK time. He was very kind and attentive. But you know what? He wasn't you.

Instead: Sat on the patio and had a good cry. Begged the Universe for change.

Anonymous, day 120

No one is as desperate for attention like you are When will you ever grow the fuck up you spineless flaccid dick?

Instead: laughed at a bunch of dweebs who can never take accountability

Anonymous