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I don't even know why I'm writing this, I know I'm not gonna send it, I just need to get it out somehow because it's doing my head in. I've been sat here for the last hour just staring at your name, Ryan, started this about six times and deleted it every time cause it kept coming out wrong, too angry, then too sad, then sounding like I still want you back which I don't, I don't think, I don't actually know anymore if I'm honest. I keep going over everything trying to work out when it started, I can't pin down when you switched off, I really can't, was it the weekend in St. Ives, was it before that, even our anniversary I keep coming back to, you booked my favourite restaurant, ordered that champagne we liked, you even said you were lucky to have me, and now I don't even know if that was real or if you were already somewhere else in your head by then, that's actually the bit that gets me more than the cheating itself, not knowing how much of any of it was even true, I keep asking myself that and I don't have an answer. I think about who I was before I found out and I feel stupid for her honestly, she was so happy, she told everyone how good things were, she actually got defensive when someone made a joke about you always working late, properly stuck up for you, imagine that, she had no clue, none, I don't really know how to be her again, I don't even know if I want to, I'm just so tired of carrying this now, tired in a way sleep doesn't fix. some days I'm just angry, properly angry, the kind where I want to throw something, why did you do this to me Ryan, why, how could you do that and still let me plan things around you, still let me talk about the future like there even was one, other days I just feel pathetic, like how did I not see it, what does that even say about me that I trusted you that much, and then other days I just miss you, plain and simple, no anger in it at all, just missing the person I actually thought you were. I miss you and I hate you, sometimes in the same five minutes, which makes no sense but that's genuinely how it feels, a song comes on and I miss you, then I remember and I want to scream, I catch myself cooking enough for two still and it wrecks me every single time, every single time, you'd think I'd have stopped doing that by now. I think I'm doing okay and then something stupid sets it off, your car, a name that sounds a bit like yours, someone's laugh in a shop that sounds like yours for half a second, and I just have to stand there for a bit before I can carry on with whatever I was doing. I'm not sure what I wanted from writing this, Ryan, I think I just needed to say it to you properly. even if you never actually see it, even if it makes no difference at all.

K

Why is it that you get to start again and I'm still here picking up the pieces?

Instead: parked opposite the house he's moved into and sat there for 10 minutes before I could bring myself to drive away

Diane, day 34

Everyone keeps telling me I'm better off without you and I know they're right, I do, but it doesn't stop me being angry about it. You had someone who genuinely loved you, properly, unconditionally, and you f***ing wasted it, for what, so you could go be someone else's problem instead. I hope you think about that every single time it goes wrong again

Naomi, day 50

I just want to know if you still think about me?

Instead: Went for my hot girl walk

Trish, day 20

I saw your car outside the gym today and my whole day just stopped

Instead: Went for a walk

G, day 14