All of them

The hardest thing about all of this… is I don’t feel like the last 18 months meant anything, and I don’t recognise either person… one who is asking for space… and I acknowledge this has been hard to respect… because maybe I needed you to show up for me when I really needed it Mart…and maybe this is the problem… I think I gave far too much… Even when you didn’t ask for it… I wanted to give you insight when you asked for space… I wanted to be there for you, and say I was sorry… I just wanted that reassurance… The mixed messages, hit and cold… But the silence… the block… speaks volumes… it hurts knowing that I’m pushed you away… by why did you spend a week, a month of treating me hold and cold… telling me you didn’t love me… but then that glimmer of being told “I still fancy you…. Maybe I do love you, and maybe I’m just confused” - the breadcrumb I wanted to hear .. But I should have seen… that you were just pacifying me. The promise to see me on my birthday next month, and being told “you’re intense” “eggshells because of your mental health” - made me question my sanity… I became confused and consumed in wanting to know where I stood… After a week of just wanting to be there, and realising - he has spoken… I said my final peace on an email last night… send a gift for his camper van… and said “I hear you, and hope this will help with headspace on the road” - realised…. I was doing it again. Putting him on a pedestal, whilst realising I was making myself shrink again. That’s been the hardest part of this… he said he would always be there… and now, he’s gone.

Instead: I had a care day… I slept, ate, saw family…. Spoke to 3 friends… who reminded me of my worth…. I know there will be hard times, but I’m happy I didn’t end it last week. I’m still here, and will never shrink myself again.

J · day 1

thank god this is here. Thank god `i copmpletely managed to eras ALL possible ways of contacting him. Today is like being tempted by the very devil himslef. I was going to do it and I couldnt . I just am outraged at his behaviour. I cannot imagibe it in myslef. It is so difficult not to appeal... biut its not going to work is it. I looked at the russell brand stuff. and i feel raped emotionally and spiritually. those women who testified have had thier lives destroyed in the same way YOU have destroyed me. But you havent have you, This pack is here and Ive resisted temptation. because I was so thorough... let do this ... lets pull away from the demonic depths, like a star ship enterprise getting away from the evil planet and it terrible gravity

Instead: atually neede a valium as anxiety levels are really high and I cant do this anxiety every day, I need respite. im feeling a bit softer now. about to have a bath. so upset I just cant get going on anything

Annie me · day 100

Ok, Im not speaking to you, except that I did think this article in the [xx] is a completely beautiful and compelling description of the experince of addiction in general - although the writer is talking about alcoholism in particular. Anyway, don't reply and fuck you, for ghosting and gaslighting me, again (again).

Instead: Wrote a work email

Anonymous · day 60

I’ve seen a thousand clues lately. Little things that remind me of you. It’s so long ago now but it feels like yesterday. I think that’s what happens when there’s really no closure. I ruminate on what might have been. I wonder if I’d healed from my first divorce sooner that you wouldn’t have doubted me loyalty. I can’t blame myself for lessons only time would teach. I really did give you my best and in hindsight I see that it hurt you early on. What I don't think I understand is why my growth, consistency and true effort never made a blip on the radar. If I did something 99 out of 100 the right way, why was I judged for the 1%? You said because it still hurt you. I agree but did you ever reflect on your actions that were harmful to me? You said you’d apologize if you were wrong but you confused feelings for facts. You validated jealousy with the term ‘being disrespected’. You would push me until I broke and then point fingers saying ‘see, you did what I said you’d do’. That’s not fair. How did we go from the true love of my lifetime to the affair, the police, the mess? You never let counseling even begin to work. It was almost like you wanted it to fail after 2023. I assumed the show this year would’ve been different. The issue in 23, 24 I had to work. Last year I was moving you out of the house and was so broken inside and now this year. It was a good show, you’d have liked it. I thought of you so many times. There’s a custom dog charm ad on my social media feed. It’s of course a Bella as the demo. You were everything to our little family. I find your notes, I see history posts on social media, all of it speaks to unbreakable commitment. Honestly, if you’d owned the affair I’d have questions but denying it only makes me doubt. You didn’t just leave me, you left your life. Grenaded all of it, all the people. Why? So you could say they abandoned you? They all still love you. Lori has the hardest time with it. She’s tearful. She wants to do her party on a different day but worries it would be on your birthday. She remembers all of that. Her husband told me how she cried last year putting up your ornaments on the tree. He went off to cry when she didn’t see. I spent last years birthday trying to find my footing. I failed miserably at it. I miss you. I’ve checked my email 100 times this week with this feeling like a message is coming g from you. The last message and only closure I ever got was your angry voice at me a year ago and then an angry email about the finances, accusing me of keeping the interest. I kept none, nor did I plan on it. But I never had positive intent being the baseline assumption. I still fully love you. I’d do anything to try and build a life with you. From our last message I’m guessing you’re still the angry version of you. For that I’m sorry. My counselor said is it any surprise she’s still upset with you? You’re still upset about things from childhood. I get it. When everything I had given wasn’t enough, the only thing left to give my was absence. As hard as that is, it’s the right thing, at least for now. XO

Anonymous

Saw a post online that said: "The person I am with you, nobody has ever met. Not even me" And that resonates hard. I'm back to keeping myself to myself. Not sharing my wierd geekiness with anyone. Not sharing private thoughts, or any of the little things, which of course, are the biggest of all. You coated me out, let you in, and then you turned it all back on me, and I don't feel I'll ever trust again.

Instead: Cried. Again.

Anonymous

i am beginning to recover from you. Like you were a disease like covid. You conform to all the traits of narcicism and I can believe I fell for it, so it is about looking at how and why I fell for it. You seemed different. You chose me, pursued me at the beginning each time we got together and then you did the same discard every time. Its been, I feel ashamed to say 4 times, more if you include the mini discards in between. So why ? well i never thought I was worthy of someone who I also felt attracted to. I would fall into things, fall for someone who never took me out, I was childish and had crushes. So it was easy for you to pick up with me. I was a widow, with ptsd. The friend who introduced us knew that, but didnt know what you are like in relationships, so she quickly dumped me the first time you discarded me because I was too needy. No I was in absolute shock at being treated so badly. My marriage had been good, but he'd had. a brain tumour and his personality changed and he was violent and years of caring had worn me down. Hence the ptsd. I see now you just loved the game. You werent coming back for ME, you were coming back for MORE SPORT. In the no contact kit day 13, Harry asks about my role in relationships at the beginning. Its a very useful pack. it helps uncover the specifics. Im beginning to feel happy again. This is coming from recovering me and unpicking the clues, and pulling away from the pull of your gravity.

Instead: About to do a long diary entry, then Ive got therapy. Im exited bout my life again

Annie me · day 1

You are messing with me and my head. Yes, you are attracted to me but I think you forget that I'm a real person with feelings and thoughts and not just an outer case. I like being in contact with you and cuddleing. I like the tease and you like it when I tease you. How can you enjoy the interaction with me and then push me away so easily. Give me kisses and be so soft and lovable towards me at night. I know you wonder and maybe even search for me so we can bump into eachother in the neighbourhood. I know we are curious about each other because I hope the same. I was surprised when you sent me a message last weekend after we didn't have contact for the last month. I was feeling proud that I didn't contact you myself, even though there were some moments where I wanted to. Now that we saw each other again, I'm again hooked on you. Before I left, I asked the questions I was dreading for a while. Your honesty was incredibly harsh and it hurt more than I wanted to let on. I think you saw that it caught me off guard a little bit. I was fighting back my tears and succeeded, tried to play it cool, like it didn't hurt me. You said you weren't husband material, I believe you. But I also think you're self sabotaging. Placing yourself in a box to be safe while you don't want others to do that with you so why do you do it to yourself? I asked you why you didn't see this going serious but also not let me go. I don't think you had an answer to that. I know you talk to your friends about me and what we experience. You bring out a side of me that I don't know so well and I'm curious about that side and I want to continue exploring that. I see you are also a pattern of my past. I knew this quite early on, but now it shows in different forms which is interesting to notice and makes me more aware. You are messing with my head, but I will let you do it for now because I think it wil be good for my self healing and self discovery journey.

Instead: Shed a tear with my colleague because she saw me trying to push away the hurt

Anonymous

I feel anxious and full of dread much of the time when you don't contact me, are inconsistent, or may be with or thinking about other women. I yearn for your touch and your physical presence and your attention, and without those things everything feels flat, even though I know this is not healthy for me and I will have to give you up sooner or later (sooner than I want). I don't want to give you up. I'm trapped in inconsistency feedback loops and I'm scanning all of the time and it's exhausting, but you make me feel so alive when you do give me your attention.

Instead: Carried on doing my work feeling flat, full of dread, fearful and ashamed

Louise

What happened to you? The man who taught me to trust again and helped me overcome something I thought would finish me. I loved that person, the one who cared about me and gave me strength. You morphed into someone else. Or were you always that someone else. Someone cruel and heartless and uncaring and just biding your time to leave me with a broken heart and without explanation. I thought we'd grow together but in order to do that, we had to choose each other everytime. I chose you. You did not choose me. It was always maybe. I hope you feel part of my pain every day but you wont. You will tell the next that i was a mistake and it shouldnt have happened.

Instead: Shook my head, tried to dry my tears

Anonymous · day 28

It’s SEMA. This is where it went so right and so wrong. Just a year apart. I miss you love. I pray you’re well. It’s a great show. Every welder I see, every Scout, every drag race sim and every JDM reminds me of you. You’re missed every god damned day.

Anonymous

187 days today. What made me count it up, I'll never know. In some ways it feels an age, and others simply a heartbeat since I last had your arms around me. But I know your eyes were already set elsewhere. It makes my blood run cold now how calculated you are. I can't say your heart was elsewhere, because I don't know what you have where a heart is meant to be!!! Ice maybe? You're a pathetic SCUMBAG, and if you think people haven't lost respect for you, and aren't talking being your back, you're wrong. You've become the very thing you always feared - a laughing stock.

Instead: Watched Uncanny - those ghosts are more reliable.

Anonymous · day 187

I miss you. I'm having a heavy wave of it right now. But what do I miss? What I HOPED you were? I miss interaction, the rambling stream of conversation, sending you pictures of things. I never shared like that before. I miss talking about everything and nothing. I miss feeling like it was us against the world. Our private language. I miss our physical intimacy in terms of the actual act of it - yet always wished you'd be more intimate, emotionally within it too I guess. It's difficult to explain. Sigh. I miss our attraction. I miss our spark. I miss our teasing and bickering. How I'd say something really wicked to take you down out of devilment, and you'd laugh hard. Because nobody spoke to you like that. Especially a woman. And you loved it. And yet when you changed, I knew inside my soul I no longer felt safe with you. I couldn't relax. I felt on edge. Your scrutiny was horrendous. My pets knew I was anxious before you arrived, so that by time you did we were all on edge. It became relentless - dying to see you whilst dreading your arrival. Trying to make the most of every minute you gave me, whilst feeling relieved when you left. All a contradiction....Just like you. I know you went from a covert narcissist whom I could still reach, to a totally malignant narcissist who became unrecognisable to me. Your choice to abuse gear made you a stranger to me. Even the way you walk changed. Your stance. The snarl in your smile. The anger behind your deadened eyes. It's terrifying how people don't believe these things can happen until they experience it themselves. But you changed. My god did you. I can't go to the gym anymore. If I see guys who look like you I'm triggered to hell and back and right now, it isn't worth it. You've left me with an anxiety around men. I hope it isn't permanent, but the minute a man becomes dominant around me, even in work - I want to run. I wonder what the longterm physiological affects of your abuse will do to you. You're not in your 20s, so it's not a question of just bouncing back. But you have that awful mix of self destruction and invincibility going on that can only speak out trouble long term. And I'll never witness it, but I do wonder how bad it'll be when you unravel, and who you'll blame then. Because I won't be there as your emotional punch bag. Thank the lord. I'm simply trying to put myself first, which doesn't feel natural. But needs to be done. But yes, right now, I'm missing something from you, and us. And I don't like it. I hope you're having a dreadful day, and life bites you right in the ass, and doesn't let go. x

Instead: Messaged here.

Anonymous

I miss you so much. I miss sharing our in jokes and our days. I miss your voice so much. My phone is quiet now. Nobody rings me for a chat. I think I'm always going to miss us.

Instead: Signed on at work, put on a brave face for a meeting. Lied that my camera wasnt working as had tears running down my face.

Anonymous · day 23

How have you managed to switch this around? It blows my mind. Somehow you’re the one acting like I won’t leave you alone when you get me to such a state! I’ve been trying to break this for years and you never let me instead I got in deeper it feels like you’ve destroyed me and I’ve handed you the gun loaded to do it all again!!!! It’s not fair! Not of this is fair! How can you be so strong and heartless

Instead: Went fir a nap

H · day 1

I became unwell the other day, home alone - of course alone, because you abandoned me didn't you. And so I got a taxi, alone, and attended ED alone, got thrown when they asked for nok details as it should be you. Then as I stood for hrs in this alien environment, in agony, feeling so vulnerable, it dawned on me that everyone else had someone with them, except me. I can't even begin to explain how that felt. And then the urge to contact you suddenly became completely overwhelming. I dont know how, but I didn't do it. And I'm not "proud of myself" for being strong, or any of those things I should tell myself. I just feel drained, empty and sad. This isn't the life I envisaged. And certainly not the life you sold me in your web of lies. I think my body has finally done a number on me to make me stop. I'm burnout. But being unwell and knowing you're 20 mins away preparing for her arrival (or she may already be here) is just eating me alive. Do you think of me? What narrative have you created to convince yourself your behaviour is justified. How can destroying someone be ok in your twisted head? And how will you keep your "Mr Nice Guy" act up 24/7 when she moves in? You must be exhausted playing that role 24/7. What's going to happen first - you'll pull away and use work/gym/exhaustion as an excuse? You'll throw a wobbler and run off to aunty to be mollycoddled? You'll use the mental health card to keep her in her box? Or will you start your insidious behaviour - drip feeding her blame, spiteful remarks, undermine her, gaslight, all of your classic moves. Or maybe you're so cocky now that you think it doesn't matter if your mask just completely falls off and you'll blame her, be unashamedly toxic and just ruin her? So many options for you! And all of them show what an evil shape shifting c##t you are. So I'm just here in physical and emotional pain and I wish you'd leave my mind. I also wish your life would implode because you don't deserve to be happy - fake or not. Knowing you, you'll thrive, you bastard.

Instead: Another sleepless night.

Anonymous

I don’t know how our lives shifted so epicly, cosmically apart. Our through lines are no longer side by side, us against the world. You used to cherish the privilege of being my best friend. I am grieving for our friendship, the one that it feels like you’ve idly forgotten. Your autism towards my emotions and my lived experience of losing three babies is one of the hardest pains I’ve faced, and that says a lot. Your lack of enthusiasm and joy to me telling you I’m pregnant each time scares me more than you know… when you questioned why I was crying at the positive pregnancy test, you know it’s really hard for me to tell you why. You didn’t even have to try or fail, or skip a period with pause and pain, you got pregnant in the first three months, and held your healthy baby boy within nine months. I used to be so present for you, holding emotions for you, all of them, asking about every hospital update and ultrasound, planning the most perfect baby shower with a theme and logo… when I was supposed to be 3 months pregnant alongside you. I thought you understood me but didn’t know how to communicate to me that you knew, now I question everything. When I cried a little bit on the way to your baby shower, and you turned the music up, I thought that was you giving me space to have a moment. Now I realize that is your inability to feel, to show empathy, to care for me as a friend. You didn’t want any “bad vibes”. I have learned that I can be happy for you, and love you, and still grieve my own journey, still work through my own shadows. I used to be okay with that. When you left me in the hospital and didn’t ask me how I was doing the next day, or what really happened, I saw a selfish side of you that I knew was there but I didn’t think would ever turn its light to me. You have said all of the things that “you’re not supposed to say” to a person who has suffered loss. Literally every one of the list of “at least you can get pregnant” to “one day your rainbow baby will come”. I have been post partum three times. Three times in the span of one year. And you, my friend only once. I have been trying to crack into you; to check on you from afar, to call you and see how you are doing, to hold space for you. You kept saying you were great, “just tired.” I was there for you when you lost her, your other best friend. I tried to hold space and talk about her, and listen. She left this physical plane. I saw your grief from afar, like wisps of light dancing around your hold it together smiles. I think something in that experience changed you, put up walls to me, wanted a little less of a best friend. Yet you kept saying over and over, in a plead that gave me chills and haunted me “I’m so glad I still have you as a best friend.” I used to call them little deaths. The ways you would cut me and let blood flow blissfully unaware. That you went for your baby’s first hike and it’s evident that another friend was taking your family photo at the summit. When you said you’d like to come with me to a pumpkin patch and then couldn’t use your words to tell me no, so just didn’t “find the right time.” Sending me your daily baby photos and updates, and yes I can still think your baby is cute and I care about his wellbeing, but it still cuts. That you’re going to mom and baby time, and I’m going to job interviews. That you’re spending time with friends from university that you haven’t talked to in nearly a decade ‘cause you don’t like them anymore, but you both have a baby now - so it’s normal. When you have said a sentence “I can’t bring a baby here…” in talking about visiting me… what you really wanted to say is that my lifestyle and city apartment isn’t convenient for your future, and you don’t want to have to work to make any plans or accommodations. When you said “oh I’ll let you know” about a camping trip this past summer and then camped with your other friends and posted photos of them, but left them out of all your stories directly shared to me. I knew they were there, not a ghost. I’m not a ghost, yet you used call upon me like one, until now. My brain has been rewiring, learning to live with pain instead of just coping, learning to understand my purpose and unfound passions, and the biggest lesson has shown me that intentions are everything. My intuitive self says you’re not aligning with me on purpose and you don’t want to even try. That hurts so much. If I had a baby in my arms, maybe your prescribed conditions would have been met to continue this friendship. Ask me how I’m doing. I dare you. I’m physically and mentally sick, grieving you is one loss, and feeling the effects of my pregnancy loss is another. You haven’t called or texted me since the day I came back from the hospital. Aren’t you wondering how I’m doing? Doesn’t it worry you that I haven’t connected once? If I let this chasm stay open, I fear you’d never fill it again with the soils of our lives. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I love you, I’m a human with all that comes with it, and I’m here for you, hoping that you’ll reciprocate the same for me.

Instead: Felt it

Anonymous · day 17

I still think about you, all these years later. I miss the fun, the laughs, inside jokes, care and support. I don't miss the judgement, the silent treatment, the withdrawing and lack of willingness to engage. You made me feel like i was walking on egg shells and i had to be the entertainer, organizer and and carer. I miss the potential, i miss the nice fun adventures and having a partner. But i am worthwhile to be prioritized, i am kind caring loving brave and strong. I deserve to put myself first.

Instead: I called my best friend, lit the fire and candles and did my journal.

Anonymous · day 1050

Richard, its been a year since I last saw you in Germany whilst we were together. I still don't understand why you didn't fight for me, you always said I was everything to you, until you had to be honest and take responsibility for your actions. I feel so alone and so lonely. I feel like I don't matter to anyone, least of all you. I hate feeling like this. I loved you so much and you lied and ruined it all, our life together, our engagement, our family, our future. The dog still misses you and listens out for your motorbike. I hate that.

Instead: Cried, hard. Like a child. For everything I've lost.

Anonymous · day 358

clarity came today from richard, a tarot reader.... K was always intending to get everything he could from me, using manipulation, but he was getting too overt and too controlling and lost all subtlety. Probably my ptsd saved me, because I couldnt over ride the very real feeling of being spitirtually raped by him. I kept giving him the cues to repair what he was doing, but his selfishness was too strong for him to over ride it for the long game. Thank God. Yes the 'styles' can change according to the relationship. but I reckon only when the love and respect is mutual and real. thats the alchemy

Instead: beginning to get my mojo back

the original Annie s · day 60

Sometimes I think I am healing. Other times I am hysterical crying and inconsolable over a husband I never knew. Your cruelty, your secret lives, your gaslighting, your porn, your lies, your need for constant admiration - all of it has left me so depleted and blaming myself. I hate what I let you do to me. I hate that I wasted 13 years of my life on a man who can’t love anybody or anything. And I despise that I continue to look for ways to blame myself for your shittiness. I can not wait for the day when I am officially divorced from you. It can’t come soon enough.

Anonymous · day 117

I want NO further contact with you. Exactly 2 years ago out of the blue, from being loving and attentive and what someone would expect from a partner, you suddenly became cold, distant and stopped making ANY effort because 2 years ago you'd decided to start seeing other women behind my back. You've been playing me and stringing me along for 2 years keeping me as an option in the background while you lived a double life and pursued sex and relationships with other people without me knowing, all while 'saying' (not showing)you loved me. The whole time I was so stupid because I completely trusted you and I had no idea-I was constantly chasing after you and putting in all the effort to see you and spend time with you when it was never ever reciprocated. I put my trust in you and believed that you loved me even though you were treating me like total shit all of a sudden and I really didn't understand why. Every child free Saturday night for over a year when you were suddenly 'out with your mates' every single weekend and i was home alone you would regularly be completely uncontactable and AWOL for 24 hours-you were staying at another woman's house or they were at yours. The suddenly removing any evidence of me on Facebook 2 years ago, never posting or mentioning us, not wanting to come to center parcs or accept tags of us on that holiday -you were pretending you were not in a relationship with me so the other women wouldn't see the posts and know that you were with me. The never staying over at my house for almost 2 years now because instead, you were staying at someone else's. The never wanting to make plans with me on any childfree weekend or go anywhere nice with me because you were wining and dining other women, taking THEM to the nice places and were afraid you'd be seen out with me and caught out. So I've been kept hidden- just filling a place on your sofa behind the scenes for years. The whole time this was going on you kept looking for flaws in me, picking faults, my reactions to the lack of effort and mistreatment, making me out to be the shit girlfriend, purely to try and justify to yourself your own atrocious behaviour and what you were doing. I was expected to just make do with a Sunday late afternoon 'time slot' every child free weekend to fit in around your time with other women. Even on the 2 occasions we split up you couldn't just leave me to move on with my life. You had to keep up the breadcrumbs and the bare minimum messages just to test the door and see if you might still have access to me and I could still be a back up-option, not because you actually loved me or cared. I have been on a roster-a back up for when you are bored, lonely or horny and I am the only option available. Even this week, I find women's deodorant and shampoo left in bathroom cabinet which shows you have been in a RELATIONSHIP with someone if they have left their stuff at your house. And not once have you given a shit about my emotions. Not once have you cared about my feelings. Not once have you behaved like a human being. When I found out about you on dating sites behind my back there was no apology I was just hung up on. There was no effort made to see how I was or apologise for hiding it, even though you would have known how much that betrayal broke me. Even this week you've screamed at me and repeatedly hung up on me refusing to talk about the women's toiletries that mysteriously appeared over the last month in your bathroom cabinet. No fucks given about me or how I might feel or be suffering, no reassuring me of your feelings for me, just always worried about protecting your own ego and image and not wanting to look bad to other people. Every single betrayal you've just been angry you've been caught, never sorry for what you have done or how that has impacted me as a person with real feelings. I have never been treated as badly by ANY man as I have been by you over the last 2 years of this relationship. You have given me NOTHING. You haven't showed up or tried at all. You haven't wanted to communicate with me, see me, spend time with me, plan things to do or even look at me. Until you want sex I don't even exist to you. For 2 years you have carefully created the illusion of being a good, honest, loyal man whilst behind that mask you are a pathological liar, a master manipulator, a serial user (of both me and the other women involved) and an expert in playing the victim when the whole time you have been completely betraying me. It's psychopathic. You have utterly wasted my time, used me and strung me along. To be very clear I will NEVER be just an option to anyone, especially not to a man like you. I don't wish you well, instead I wish that our paths NEVER cross again. After last week's disgusting behaviour, lack of empathy, disrespect, being repeatedly hung up on and just DISCARDED by you yet AGAIN, like I am nothing, I have had ENOUGH . You go and enjoy your other women who clearly mean more to you than I ever did.

Instead: Watched Married at First Sight Australia.

Anonymous · day 6

My German love, I miss you so much. You can’t imagine how terribly it hurts. I feel physical pain and my eyes hurt so much from all the crying. I still love you from my whole heart. I believed you are my forever love. I still feel it that way. But you stopped loving me and I don’t really understand why. I will probably never understand. Same for you betraying me that terribly. I understand rationally but not with my heart. What I went through during the last half year was something I never even thought is possible. I nearly gave up. But I am still here and my heart is still open to you. I know you are not interested in having me as your partner anymore, so I am letting you go. I will grieve you probably for a long time. I will probably never stop loving you and caring for you. But till you are not choosing me and willing to work on it with me, there is no hope for us. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I want to call you so badly and just talk about unimportant things like we used to. But I won’t even though it is breaking my heart even more…

Instead: Cried, pet my cats, cleaned my flat

Anonymous

Happy Halloween my love. I’ll always want to be with you and enjoy our silly costumes. I will want to go see friends and celebrate, but those days seem a thousand years ago. I’m doing ok this fall. Better than last and better than the one you discarded me in 2023. I didn’t know how I’d survive that trip home. I did. You’d cleared out my emails, you’d emptied any calm or assurances I had and I never got an end or an apology. I miss you. I will always love you regardless of how sideways things went. I remember you at your best. My God you’re magical. You weren’t just that person in the moment, you were that person all the time. I don’t know what happened but I know I created part of that upset. For that I’m humbly sorry. I see Subarus and think of you. I have the Pleadies sister stars on my arm in your honor. I’ll never look to the night sky and not think of you, you’d point out Orion’s Belt. What I wouldn’t give to have you share that one more time. I listened differently. I’d dance in the rain again with you ever so gladly. May you find happiness. May you have the calm you seek. I worry you cutting and running doesn’t give you that. While I respect your decision, I can’t say I’ll ever be ok with how this all ended. I love you, until the sky goes dark I’ll find you in my dreams and in the color of the sunset sky.

Anonymous

You watched me struggle and do all the things for us, for the family, for you. I saw your depression and withdrawal in the best possible light and did everything I could think of to help you through it, and connect deeply with you. Eventually I just accepted that your healing was up to you and I would just keep going as I had for 36 years. When I settled for a a “good as it going to get” marriage, you secretly plotted your exit but instead of just divorcing me, you set up your private sex life with other, younger women. Now you claim to be committed to change, committed to being the husband you never were. Why I believe this is possible is not because it could be but because I’ve wanted it my whole life. But I don’t really believe it. I just am afraid to admit that.

Anonymous

I know you’re missing me. Thinking of me like I am you. If love was enough then we would still be together . I hate that you moved on without me. I find it hard to understand how you can love me so much yet not choose me. I was willing to give it another go. I just needed you to make space for me , for us. Instead we’ve chosen this as a decision together to heal separately . I’m still in the waiting room . I just want to get the fuck out of it and start loving my life .

Instead: I’ve been for a walk . I vlogged. Meditation . Put phone away

Anonymous · day 2

I’m going to a gig tonight. I saw on the venue’s Facebook post that you’re going too. Whilst part of me would love to see you, I’m otherwise dreading bumping into you. Will we just nod acknowledgement, say hello, talk briefly? What on earth can I say after you just stopped messaging me? And my worst fear: you’ll be with someone. Maybe I just shouldn’t go…..

Instead: Sat in my car and cried.

Anonymous · day 58

I told you I love you yesterday. You just sat there. I told you what I want out of our relationship too. Everything came out and I’m raw, my dad is dying too Tim. You said you don’t understand what romantic love is. You said you need counselling. Yes you do. I need support and a partner that loves me - not just someone to date. What a waste Tim! 😢 the whole thing is so sad. I’m poorly and can’t go to a gig so you take your sister in law? And say nice one? I tell you in dad we’re not spending the evening together and you intimate me? I deserve more. I need more. I’ll leave you alone today and maybe one day at a time from now on. Again - what a waste…… 😢

Instead: I’m putting tv on and drinking water. I’m putting my phone down.

Joanne · day 1

Thinking of you today and hoping you are well. Happy Birthday

Instead: I took a walk

Anonymous · day 228

You didn't even give me any reassurances. You pursued me for months while in another relationship, then told me you just wanted to be friends. You were full of red flags. So many. You made it clear I wasn't good enough for you, in between all the passion and admiration and chasing, you added criticism, evasiveness, secrecy. I am blaming myself for falling for it anyway. I knew what was happening, and did it anyway. I knew it would hurt me. And now you're happy. If someone with a character as weak as yours, and as cowardly as you are, is ever able to truly be happy.

Anonymous

I’ve missed you every day since May of 2025. The fact it all went so wrong I can’t ever undo. The court date the same day your dad passed? So unfair in a sea of tumult. Your dad was a fair and just man. He brought the traumas of his childhood and he provided best he could. I loved both your parents and I’m heartsick not only didn’t I say goodbye but I made things worse for you in that moment. We spent a decade building to help one another and rightfully so you locked me out of the help I could offer that day. I wanted to tell you I think I met your dad again. Obviously not ‘him’ but someone I’m working with now. He’s young, smart and speaks just like your father. He is analytical. I have the chance to be kind, I have the chance to tell him I’m proud of him and he’s good a good job. I tell him every time I can because maybe your Dad hears it. Maybe he knows I didn’t forsake the chance to have your hand in marriage. Maybe I can undo some of the horrible ending to our story. I miss your voice. I miss the way you spoke to the dogs when they were sick. The way you’d say ‘tasty tasty’ and get them to eat from your hand. You asked what I loved about you. You said it was all things that made me feel a certain way. I suppose that’s what love is. It’s the system two people build to unite and raise one another. When that fateful trip happened there wasn’t any more system to defend. I really tried, I pray in all that I have that you know I tried. I do think you had the affair; and I do think I could have forgiven that. More importantly was why. If you weren’t going to find peace with me I suppose this was the outcome all along. I’m sorry the police got involved. I’m embarrassed by how low we could get. But God were the highs high. I pray you only find the highs going forward. I post here often because maybe you’ll read them and you’ll know it’s me. I still love you, so very much. I miss us. I see you a thousand times a day in small things. Finding your old notes around just crushes me. I know you did what you had to do. It’s just hard to believe it’s been so long already. Godspeed you on your journey. May you find whatever it is you seek

Anonymous

I can’t believe after all the lies, the manipulation, the gaslighting, the triangulation, the double standards and the mixed messages you actually have the audacity to stand there and tell people I’m the problem. You used me, you exploited my kindness and my generosity. You took and took and took with no intention of following through on your endless promises. So I stand here, after you’ve taken thousands and thousands of dollars and countless hours of work, presented my creative work as your own and minimised my contributions, damaged my feeling of safety and traumatised me into constant hyper vigilance, broken promises to my children and walked away so you could sleep with her. And you’ve publicly given me a label so you can keep your carefully curated image and pretend to be the victim in this, so you can sleep at night and be comfortable with the destruction you left behind. And just when I think I’m finding some peace, you come on the attack again. For imagined slights. For the consequences of a situation you specifically asked for. For a way to make me the villain and you the victim… again. I’m tired. I wish I’d never met you.

Instead: I bought a bunch of plants from the rescue and revive section at the local garden centre and created a peaceful sanctuary.

Anonymous · day 305

ttoday its wierd. Im alive but I feel like I dontexisit. I have no appetite for aything that deifned me before. I have thrown away all my writing, about 2 books I was working on, and all the notes from the writing courses. It is all meaningless. I have also thrown away art work and course work from learning to be a yoga teacher. I feel as though its a white out of my personality. I found a card from last year , a birthday card, saying to my darling Annie. I remember you gave that to me on the evening, but no present. You hadnt worked out to buy something in adavance. you only had the idea on the day. At christmas you gave me some earl grey tea from your cupboard I dont drink earl grey, and. painting you didnt like. I dont have any lovely little gifts from you for the whole year you and me were together, although in that year was the 2 months you ghosted me aftre making me apologise to the person who introduced us for being upset at something you had done ... It was as if there was that ammount of me that existed throughout, that you ignored and sucked on like an incubus. When there was nothing left thats when you did the overt discard. I call this a slow death by love. My love for you. I dont really mind that I have gone. Gone girl . (must check that out, its a book i think ) Coz, Im still standing. Im a white sleeping phoenix apparently. Now Im wise, now I can teach. All the past has gone, excpet the deepest loves the deepest friends, the deepest memories. you didnt manage to eat them

Instead: Floating around and drinking beer and clearing more of who I was. its rubbish collection day tomrrow. space is appearing.

me · day 56

I hate you. And I love you. I know those things can both be true - but most of all I hate myself for believing you for so long. I’m done being the annexe to your life, waiting for crumbs of attention and feeling humiliated. I humiliate myself with the messages I send, and then I block you and unblock you because I can’t bear the silence I’ve caused. You’ve lost the best company you will ever have, and yes, you have lost your best friend. Because you chose your comfort over my heart again and again. Most of all I look at what I’ve survived in the last three years, all the times I needed you but you poured a beer, read a book and stayed at home, and I see now I was never really waiting for you to show up like you promised - I was building a life that you don’t get to see. In a few months time I will have a new address, and you won’t even know about it. I hope you die regretting the way you treated me - and I hope you go to hell.

Instead: Went to the toilet at work and cried.

Lisa · day 92

Hi Stu, how are you? I thought about you on your birthday. I had a dream the night before and it was so vivid. I wonder if you ever think about me, wonder after all you said, if you ever regret it. If you miss the way I looked at you and loved you. You know I’d love a conversation with you, I suppose it’s just understanding why you made that decision to drop me like a hot rock and go back after just days before saying we needed to make it work or it’s all been for nothing to not hearing from you again. I’ve continuously blamed myself. Why I wasn’t enough, wasn’t worth following through with. Yes 6 months wasn’t long but it was long enough to know my feelings were real. I’m past the crying now, past laying awake going over every word you said, thinking about the last time I saw you and how cold you were towards me. Part of me will always want a last conversation, to understand what I did wrong but that’s in your hands….. I’m off this week and if you’re in the office I’d love half an hour to talk. Just to hear your side of things. I know you’re probably scared I suppose I would be too, but no one will know, we could meet somewhere public,Starbucks? Today or tomorrow at 3.30? Towcester? Maybe I wasn’t good enough for you, maybe I didn’t love you right, maybe I wasn’t attractive, maybe I was easy to just discard. I just hope you’re happy. I never wish bad upon anyone! I’m hoping sometimes you think of me and the way I looked at you, held your face, kissed you, adored you. I know sometimes I miss the way you looked at me and would hold my hand and rub my finger where my tattoo is, the way we kissed, showered together, getting covered in my make up and me wiping it off your nose, laughing, being stupid, calling you a goon. I just need that conversation to stop ruminating and being delusional as to what was real for you. You’ll always be my what if…… The Stu that was borrowed, never mine to show off…… The man in my secret love song…. Who’s now a ghost, you always told me ghosts weren’t real….

Anonymous · day 367

I miss you. But you need to know what you did was wrong. You told me you wanted a long lasting partner, and you told me you wanted me to be your last person. You planned a trip with me and then you took it all away all because you mistook me being “perfect on paper” as real feelings. To be told that I am perfect but I am not enough was the most painful thing I have ever heard

Instead: I went to the gym, studied for my CSCS and coached

Anonymous · day 56

Here I am, still lying awake night after night wishing you didn't consume my thoughts. I know my mind and body is working hard to go cold turkey from you and expel you. It's exhausting. But this is the hard stuff and I need to get you out of my system. You, on the other hand have done what you always do - deny and move on. And there's a pattern to your life - businesses, friendship groups, partners = all used for an ego boost until you're bored, or called out - then you find an excuse to leave and find your next version. You've always played the victim and yet the common denominator is you. If you're added to a situation, it rots. You're like a parasite. Or a disease. You quietly wipe people/businesses etc from the inside out. And by the time they realise....the damage is done. There was a piece of literature outlining the severity of narcissistic traits. And without a doubt, since you decided to add addiction to that degree into the mix, your behaviour has become ruthless. You ARE a predator. And your "prey" is whatever feeds your insatiable need for attention and validation. And yet behind your arrogance and being cocky - you've also become sloppy. Your capacity for cruelty just got worse and worse. I've contemplated reporting you to the authorities, but would there be any point and do I need that? Plus you'd probably get an ego boost out of that, thinking you still occupy my mind. So I wont. I don't know how you live with yourself. But ai do know your behaviour will never change and it's only a matter of time until you're doing what you did to me, all over again. What a sad existence you lead.

Instead: Trying to go back to sleep.

Anonymous

You died....why did God take you from me??? Just when I was getting to really know you. I send you texts and play your voicemail greeting to hear your voice. I'm alone again. I miss you....Death of a husband of 29 years, then 2 years later your death. Will I ever recover? Will I ever love again?

Instead: cried, cried and cried some more

Anonymous · day 2

You reassured me that this time would be different and asked me to trust you.After 3 years, I should never have believed those promises and lies. I did not chase you, write you letters or offer false hope. I did no contact for 11 weeks, you came back to me, you broke no contact and begged me to come back. I trusted what you told me, including you saying you loved me and wanted a future with me. I did not deserve your bullshit. I cannot make you love me the way I deserve, but I can recognise that this relationship has been emotionally damaging to me yet again. I got over you before and I will do it again.

Instead: Posted on here

Anonymous · day 2

I've read so much on trauma bonds etc and now see without a doubt what you are, and what you did. I don't know whether it's a comfort or not seeing your patterns are so obvious. Part of me finds it so embarrassing that I couldn't see it. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit to myself what you were doing. Apparently people like you can just shut down situations and people as though they never existed. That blows my mind. But I think that is a good thing as it proves that I could never be like you. I often wonder whether you think of me, or whether I pop up in your dreams. Silly isn't it. If you can ignore my everyday, why would I be there by night?

Instead: Thinking of a holiday

Anonymous

Don't love you. Not scared. You just can't accept someone doesn't love or like you lol

Instead: stopped trusting an abuser lies

Anonymous

I really, really love you. And I miss you every moment of the day. And I wish you’d lower your walls and let me in. It’s safe and secure here, and I know deep down you’re scared. But there’s no need to be. I understand why you do this, but it’s never worked before. Try something new. We can rebuild stronger, more considered and not as scary.

Instead: Felt it.

Ryan · day 6

I walked with my friends today and cried all the way round. I felt pathetic. They hugged me and let me cry but I still miss you. I hate that I miss you. I hate that i trusted you.

Instead: Went shopping but that reminded me of you too.

Anonymous · day 7

I am grieving the loss of someone who was like a mother for me. Why didn’t you just say it felt overwhelming for you to listen to me talk about her? But instead you just minimised my grief, compared it to your own. Then attacked my character, the way I work. It feels like emotional whiplash. Gone from being ‘the friend you always wanted to have’ to feeling like I’m too much yet again. What you said and how you said it was cruel, hurtful and unnecessary. And I think you know that. I think you’re scared of your own anger. And instead you put the blame for that onto me - I was the one who pushed you to say those things. I didn’t deserve that and I think you know it. The real test of our friendship will be whether you can acknowledge it and apologise. If you can’t, then we will be done. And that will break my heart, but I deserve better than what you gave me.

Instead: I wrote it here instead of sending it. I’m giving her the space she asked for.

Anonymous · day 3

I need a hug!!

Anonymous · day 730

What you said was cruel. Telling me to work on myself and then I can maybe be your friend again wasn’t ok. And you haven’t even said sorry. I love you and I really value our friendship. But this feels toxic. Conditional. It feels like a repeat of what happened before. And somehow now, I’m feeling like I’m the one who has to apologise. I’m not going to make the mistake of repeating the past and staying small just to hold onto something that’s doing me no good. You were cruel and unkind and that’s a real red flag.

Instead: I didn’t reply. I came here instead. Not replying to them is huge for me - I have an anxious attachment style and cling to keep hold of people I care about.

Anonymous · day 3

If being a servant is what a "good life" is to you, holy FUCK I never want anything to do with you lmfao You were such a controlling person and it's no wonder why you have the relationships you have with your "friends". What a miserable existence to be chained to some unimaginative idiot lol

Anonymous

I miss you so much I'm so obsessed with you and I just can't ever admit it. I have to lie about it in court despite being completely unaware of making nothing but lies knowing it's my fat obese trolgyodye friend making reddit accounts to seem like you.

Annie s

Already saved by someone that gave a damn from step one. They pulled up for me unlike you. Maybe if you weren't such a cowardly person, you'd be able to have fulfilling relationships with others lol

Anonymous

You overstep boundaries like wild because you cannot fathom no one wants you. You've never been the only "friend" I ever had. I just feel sorry for you, you don't know how to make friends and think trying to piggy back on me is going to help or do something. You lost access the moment you refused to apologize for yelling at me. You think people need to forgive you? We were never friends you dolt and I'm not being nice to a bunch of racists in the first place. You don't deserve friendliness in the same breathe I'm not responsible for your feelings! Only ever aquaintances and you STILL yldon't exist and won't ever exist. YOU. ARE. DEAD. TO. ME. You sound fucking insane based off the recording alone holy shit. You're the one obsessed with me and you can't FATHOM I don't want you back. Go eat dirt you loser. Maybe spend less time on the internet and you'll get somewhere.

Instead: drank a mocktail made by my bestie because they believe me over my shitty abuser 🥰 Laughed and mocked a bunch of incels that can't make friends

Anonymous

I would never go out of my way for you. What, you think you're special? Fucking PLEASE. You are a nobody to me. I know nothing about you but the basics and I don't care to know anything about you. You were an asshole to me the entire time we lived together. Why the fuck would you think I'd ever stalk you? You're delusional. I don't want you. I don't like you. I don't love you. Never have, never did, never will. I absolutely hate everything about you and want nothing to do with you. So much of what you said was just sheer projection as always. Because you can't fathom someone dumped you and wants nothing to do with you lol You're so pathetic and you always will be!

Instead: Had a house party with friends that love and care about me

Anonymous

Today I deleted all my saved Instagram posts about saving our marriage. I’m done. I bought a new house. I fucking love it. It’s perfect for me and my boys. I can’t wait to move in and get my life back. I’ve wasted too many years trying to save you. Save yourself.

Instead: Harvested seeds from my flower garden that I have to leave behind. Spent time with my son. Working on our dissolution paperwork. Bye.

Maria · day 1

Like wow, you're the one who seems completely obsessed with me despite I know nothing about you. Guess that hurts huh? lol Easily forgotten like the rotten soulless person you are.

Anonymous

I'd never want to be with someone like you. Not only that, I'm a dyke and wouldn't date you if you were the last person on earth lmao I'd shoot myself before I ever have to see you again or be around you. At least I'm not chain to a marriage I'd never want. How embarrassing.

Anonymous

Why would I ever be friends or friendly with people that treated me like an idiot or some dog? Clueless. You aren't worth shit to me and never will be. I'd never accept an apology from any of you. You aren't worth it. And yes, everyone knows what "kind" things you did for me. Doesn't take away from the abuse you put me through at all.

Instead: Laughing at a bunch of losers who can't get over someone having self respect and confidence in themselves

Anonymous

You're delusional, spiteful, vengeful, and vindictive. I'd never tell anyone to go after you and it probably is your incel friends harassing you. You'd NEVER be special enough for me to care about you ever again Not after the hell you put me through. I love myself because I know I'm not a shitty unsupportive partner like you asshole 🤗

Anonymous

I don't love you and never will. We are never friends nor will ever be friends.

Anonymous

I want nothing to do with you. When I said go to hell, I meant it. You know exactly what you did which is why you'll never be apart of my life dickhead. I'm loved. You aren't.

Anonymous

🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏 I don't miss you asshole.

Anonymous

I miss you. I would love to hear your voice. I know you're missing me too and I hate that we can't be together.

Instead: I drank a hot chocolate.

Anonymous · day 38

broke no contact because you're still upset you were dumped by someone that will never love you 🤏

Anonymous

That's why you're an unloveable loser and always will be Your emotional needs not met when you've actively made someone fearful of you by yelling at them.

Instead: seeking out divine justice against someone who's an abusive asshole

Anonymous

Paula said she saw you today. She asked me how you were. I said I didnt know. Then I realised, i'm never going to.know how you are again. And despite, all the hurt you've caused me and the tears I've cried, i still feel sad about that. I liked being privy to your life when you let me, but I wasnt ever going to be enough. I dont want to let you go but I dont have any choice. You wouldnt choose me, so I had to choose myself.

Instead: Sat and cried a little more

Anonymous · day 5

This is an admission, Ive broken no contact. I felt i could go on and pretend that I hadnt. I had to send a message to send a bill. I got a response and it was as evil as any before. I had no dopamine satisfaction. I thought hard before because I have begun to feel the benefit of a life that has no vestige of him in it. What precipitated it? I went through the photos. 4 years of them and deleted them all, except one. It expressed me and how much i was in love. I wanted to keep it as a memory of that. but I cant say he inspired it, because the work Ive done so far in the no contact pack has brought me a long way ahead into a new me. A reclaimed me. I dont mind going through it again. like going to a dance class where Ive learned the moves, but I want to do them again anyway. He owes me a lot of money for the trip i booked sailing. and for the dates I booked. It is a lot and I decided this would be why i would contact him. Knowing this would mean go back to day 1, I used the opportunity to clearly identify how I undertsand the insidiuos way in which he primed me to be upset so he could then blame me for the break up. I was eloquent. He dod respond, again with a lie. again with a goad. I dont care. Im going back to day 1 and this time Ill get all the way through. I told him to keep away from me and my life. i took charge of the message. He owes me £2,300 . I could have kept going to day 30, but part of my helaing and self respect is to bill him. I am worth it .

Instead: Listened to the rain, felt good about speaking my truth.

Annie s · day 1

Well we are nearly 5 months no contact. Is it getting easier - some days …. The things I want to ask but I know you will never tell me. Why did you lie and try cover up your past - you didn’t have to. All I asked for was honesty and your love. Why did you make promises you had no intentions of keeping ? Who are the demons ? I know now I am better off without you but it still hurts you won’t face up to your responsibilities like you promised. Who do you see when you look in the mirror - because he is a contradiction to who you portray to the world. You knew my vulnerabilities as a widow but just didn’t care. I know you would have moved on faster than me but I am Taking the time to heal properly and love myself again.

Instead: Walk yoga cup of tea ☕️- anything !!!!

S

the last conversation we ever had, i wouldn't even call it a conversation. it's like a final follow up to whatever we talked about while we were breaking up. you really changed. i no longer know you. the more I think about it, the more I realize that everything was just a fluke. only the first 2 years felt real. the following 6 years were all just lies to keep me around. to benefit from me. to suck me dry. I was so wrong about you. I defended you even. I thought you were the one that I'll eventually marry in the future. but you were never there. I was there for you during your lowest. in exchange, you weren't there for me at my lowest. I loved every bit of you, but you hated every fiber of me. you benefitted from me but never game back. you kept me around just for money and sex. but you couldn't even give the single thing I kept asking you. time. time for us. time for my what could've been my stepson. I wanted you to grow. but you ended up growing the wrong way. I regret those 6 years. I should've ended it after the 2nd year of our relationship when you started to show signs of neglect. but I was to blinded by fear. by the thought that it will get better. what I don't regret is the lesson I learned. A lesson to no longer be with someone like you. someone who only cares about herself. someone who can't put herself in someone else's shoes. I learned that I deserve someone who understands that I also need to feel that I am loved. someone who will willingly reciprocate. someone who will genuinely want to make a family with me. someone who will show me how much I truly deserve to be loved. someone who look past my flaws and caress this child inside. I loved you. I hate you. farewell.

Instead: blocked her on everything and lit a cig.

Anonymous

Healing from you will take too long. When you met me, I had already survived a horrible marriage, and I had worked on healing for years. I was strong and able to hold space for your pain. I helped you process and heal. I sacrificed my time and gave you empathy and caring willingly, with no expectations. Just because I care about people. And I cared about you. It was a gift. The person you presented to me was a lie. A mask. But I didn't see that in time. I gave up my everything for you. Reorganized my whole life for you. Brought my kids along too. We got absorbed by your life. When the lectures, intimidation, belittling, gaslighting, and name calling started, i gave you understanding and patience. You broke me down more, bit by bit. I thought you would cherish me, be gentle with me. But you did the opposite. Mocked me, told me my emotions were ridiculous, that you needed to teach me a lesson, that my perspective was wrong and skewed, that I was too negative, etc etc. Instead of a partner, I had gained an accuser. Instead of an advocate, a judge. I learned to not share with you, I didn't need to invite more insults. You broke me. You undid my healing work. I no longer believe in myself. I have lost my smile. The light in my eyes that you benefited from is gone, nowhere to be found. In its place there is an emptiness, a pit, an unbelief. I gave you my entire heart, my entire faith, my everything. And you took them willingly. You used them for your gain. And now I am left without them. No heart, no faith, nothing. I don't know how to heal. I can't believe that you did this. Who the hell do you think you are? Then you tossed me aside, used, empty, like a wrapper. I will not hold space for your pain anymore. You couldn't do the same for me. You took the biggest giving heart you will ever find and you abused it, broke it. I would have worked things through with you, with patience and understanding. You had no patience or understanding for me. Relationships have to be reciprocal, not full of double standards. That's what you are, a pompous, arrogant, prideful, cruel walking double standard. Worried only about your image. And your needs and wants. And you don't care who you have to ruin on your way to look good and feel good about yourself. One day I hope you realize what you gave up. Good bye, my love, my everything.

Instead: Tried to read a book, failed

Virginia · day 40

I wish I could get you out of my head but I can’t. I want so badly for there to be a different ending than the one that currently exists. I keep hoping you’ll text and I am embarrassed by the fact that I can’t stop checking your stupid Instagram. I know that everything works out just the way that it’s supposed to and I hate that I met you at a time where I knew I needed to do a ton of work on myself before welcoming someone into my life. I’m not sure if I would’ve committed to doing the work if it weren’t for you, and I’m thankful for that. Who knew that a four hour conversation and an audio message could impact me so deeply… I hate this part of my journey that is forcing me to let go of the outcome. I keep seeing you everywhere and I e stopped asking the universe for signs but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped looking.

Instead: Ran 4.29 miles, hit a pr

Anonymous · day 83

What a fucking hypocrite. The judge would accept unverifiable digital evidence from your ex, but won't accept digital character statements from real people who could be called/contacted to verify the information.

Instead: Hexing an abusive ex

Anonymous

I wish you were the person you made me believe in. I wish you had been brave enough to share your thoughts with me rather than keep them inside. Im going to miss you. In truth I've been missing you / us for 3 months. Everytime you said no or were dismissive or unkind was a cut and our relationship died a little bit with each cut. You've let some great women go in your time and i'm sure the next one will end up as confused as me. Please get help.

Instead: Cried. Again.

Anonymous

Please don’t leave me. You’re taking away everything I care about and everything that makes me feel safe — our relationship, our home, our dog. This is cruel. We could have worked through things together if you were only willing to try.

Anonymous

That time you turned up at my house and you looked so angry and cross. Was that my fault? Was that the beginning of the end? What had happened? Why didnt you talk to me.

Anonymous

Hey, I didn’t want send this, but I’m done with the uncertainty. I’ve given this enough chances, and I don’t want to keep waiting for this last meet up, because I know it’s not going to happen. I believe that if you truly wanted to see me one last time, you would make the time. I know you no longer want me in your life, and that’s okay, it hurts, but I understand . I just thought you had something you wanted to say about the “difficulty in how you feel” when it comes to us meeting, but it seems that’s no longer something you wish to talk about. I wanted us to end things peacefully, with some fond memories of what we shared. But I can’t keep holding on to the hope of that happening. So I’m choosing to step away now. No anger, no resentment, just acceptance. Maybe one day you’ll realise all I wanted was just you, the vulnerable , kind, funny, even the broken parts of YOU. I wanted to help you heal to understand that love even as friends, doesn’t need to be earnt, it isn’t painful, dramatic or confusing, it’s easy when you’re with the right person. But I was never going to be your choice, only ever an option. Take care D, I will miss you x x

Instead: Sat with my son and my dog and watched a film

J · day 1

Are you going to parkrun tomorrow? I miss our parkrun chats

Anonymous

I cant believe how much you had me fooled. You were emotionally intelligent, supportive and seemed to have my back. I started feeling safe. I grew in confidence, I felt like a better person. But somewhere along the way you changed. Slightly at first, so much so that I didnt quite feel it. I thought it was me. I wasnt as important, you slightly judged me, you were slightly unkind but wrapped as humour. You pulled away further. You prioritised other people. I know you were always talking to other women. You wont ever let anyone jnto your life because you wont ever accept a slight criticism, you dont think you need to change, you like to be superior. Telling me that you did not want to be with me for the last 10 months shows cruelty and immaturity. I did not deserve that. Im feeling worthless right now but I will not let you break me. I plan to be a better person without you than with you.

Instead: Watched Bake Off

Anonymous

How was work today? Are you working tomorrow?

Instead: Just sent it here instead

Anonymous

I know you I think you have it bad, but you know nothing about my life since I left. I have been on the verge of a breakdown, but I have kept on going. I have never said a thing to you about this because I am strong and I can do this on my own. I have no money to spare after paying two mortgages and I feel extremely lonely and that you still have the kids with you breaks my heart every day. But I was the one who left you and I’m the one who should not complain about this situation as you keep reminding me. I made my bed and I have to lie in it, but I left you for a reason. Many reasons. I know it’s hard for you but you don’t seem to realise just how hard it is for me. I get no support I get no help I get no money from you. I know what I’m entitled to, and all this will come in time, but I just don’t have the energy for all that right now. Looking back I can’t believe we lasted nearly 30 years. Yes we had good times and we have great kids but what a waste! The true love and affection wasn’t there. I never came first. I was never your priority. My priority now is me. By the way, I know you’re seeing somebody and I know who it is.

Instead: Had a beer

Anastasia · day 356

I hate you. You’re the most selfish person. It was so selfish of you to leave me in the middle of cancer treatment and start dating right away when I was bald, gained weight from chemo, didn’t have boobs due to a mastectomy. I felt so insecure already then I had to watch you move on to a new relationship immediately. It makes me feel like shit. You shouldn’t have committed to being there for me if you couldn’t stick it out with me through all of it. I felt abandoned and alone.

Instead: Went for a walk

Anonymous · day 180

I still love that version of you in my head. I know it's not real. But I still want to be with you and think about you all of the time. You on the other side don't even bother to answer my last text. Stupid of me to text you at all.

Instead: Paint something.

Anonymous · day 35

Dear AP You don’t know me. To you, I have largely existed as “his marriage” or “his wife” rather than as a real woman with a name, a history, a family and a heart. But I am real. I am the woman who spent twenty-five years building a life with the man you chose to have an affair with. I am the woman who has spent the last year trying to recover from the trauma that the two of you created. I don’t write this because I believe you owe me anything now. I write it because I need the truth to exist somewhere. You and (my WH) made different promises in life. He made vows to me. You didn’t. That means his responsibility to me is greater than yours. But it does not mean you had none. You always had choices. You chose to become involved with a married man. You chose to continue. You knew there was a wife. You knew there were children. You knew there was another family whose life could be changed forever. That family was mine. I have heard the story that (my WH) pursued you. Perhaps he did. But that has never explained away your own choices. No one can pursue someone who has no agency. Every message, every meeting, every decision to continue was also yours. And when contact resumed after the affair was discovered, every message that reopened the emotional door carried consequences that reached far beyond the two of you. While you were remembering what had been, I was living through renewed fear that my marriage might not survive. Those consequences belonged to me. I don’t know how you justified those choices to yourself. Perhaps you believed it was love. Perhaps you believed he was unhappy. Perhaps you believed the marriage was already over. I don’t know. But I do know this. Real people lived with the consequences. While the two of you experienced excitement, connection and hope, I experienced panic attacks, sleepless nights, humiliation, grief and the complete destruction of the safety I had always felt in my marriage. You became part of memories that may one day fade. I live with trauma that has changed how I see the world. I have often wondered whether you ever stopped to think about me. Not as “his wife.” Not as an obstacle. Not as “his marriage.” But as another woman. Someone who loved deeply. Someone who trusted completely. Someone whose life would be permanently altered by your choices. I don’t hold you solely responsible. I never will. (my WH) made promises to me that he broke. He owns that. But I cannot pretend that you were simply carried along by events. You were an adult with your own moral agency. You made choices too. I hope that one day you look honestly at those choices. Not because I need revenge. Not because I need an apology. But because I hope you never again become part of another woman’s heartbreak. I hope that if you ever find yourself standing at the edge of a similar decision, you remember that behind every marriage is a real human being whose life matters just as much as your own. I hope that one day, as the mother of two daughters, you teach them that love is never made more beautiful by secrecy, deception or another person’s pain. I hope they never experience what I have experienced. And I hope they never cause another woman to experience it either. Most of all, I want you to know this. I was real. I mattered. And your choices, together with (my WH) changed my life forever.

Instead: Filed it away. It needed to exist somewhere. Considering showing it to my husband but that would only be to highlight that she wasn’t the amazing, blameless woman he perceives her to be, but I don’t think it would change his mind sadly.

Anonymous · day 455

Isn't it ironic that your fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt, caused by people leaving you, caused YOU to leave and destroy the ONE person who would have never walked away from you. You treated me like I was absolutely nothing and now you're just living your life like I don't exist. One day you will realise what you did and it will be too late because I'm not waiting for you this time.

Instead: Cried in the shower

M · day 6

I still love that version of you in my head. I know it's not real. But I still want to be with you and think about you all of the time. You on the other side don't even bother to answer my last text. Stupid of me to text you at all.

Instead: I went to physio therapy.

Anonymous · day 2

It’s 1:30am, I just woke up with a start .. another one of your lies clicked together. Apparently, my sleeping brain is also trying to figure you out. The sad thing is … I knew you were lying . I just let it go. I didn’t dig deeper. I accepted the inconsistencies. I wanted so badly to believe what you were trying to sell me. How dare you come in to my life - uninvited and sell me a perfect person that never existed. My partner had passed away just two months before. I told you I was hurt. I told you I was healing. You said you were hurt and you were healing and we would do it together. That was lie number 1. You were never a victim I have an appt to be tested for an STI. I can’t believe I am here

Instead: Stared at the ceiling

Anonymous · day 8

I really thought I met my soulmate. I never believed in the one, but I started believing you were that for me. I had my share of mistakes, I know. But you telling me I am your soulmate and I always will be.... Then mentioning you booked a holiday with friends. Only for me to find out weeks later that the holiday was with another woman... I thought communication gets better at certain age, but I guess you will never learn that. We promised each other honesty and when I asked you if there is anyone else, you said - No, still trying to get over you. If this doesn't teach me to trust my gut, nothing will. I have always tried to take the high road and wish the best to people I am no longer with, but with all my heart I hope you spend the rest of your life wishing you were with me. Because we both know you will never find what you and I had. Just like I know a part of me will always love you, for all the good times we had. I wish it was easy for me to move on like you did, but when I get there I will never look back.

Instead: Went for a walk

Anonymous · day 99

you for having an unexpected and welcome impact on my life the past 6+ years. Loss has taught me that time is finite, and with all the craziness in this world, this genuine friendship was nice. Thank you for the mutual safety we both know was real. You are a precious, unique and beautiful human in so many ways. I will miss you terribly. I tried to show up for you and hold your heart and grief gently, and with deep respect and care. I wanted to make your time here on this earth a little easier. I only ever wanted you to feel comfort, safety and appreciation with me. That was always my goal and focus…caring for you well. A little sad that if I helped you feel a tiny bit more alive, as you told me I did, that someone else will get the benefits of all that, and that you believe your life is better without me in it. I knew when you used the phrase, “wrap things up,” that this was easy for you to lose. But such is life. I will forever keep you in my heart and prayers. I will never take my bracelet off. 💙 Promise me that you will take good care. This world needs you. You and our friendship will always matter to me.

Instead: Cried

Anonymous · day 9

It’s been so long, I feel like I should be well over the missing you phase. Your godson needs you. The Coates ask about you, the folks at work still talk about you and how good you got on track. So do I. You’re missed in a thousand drops of rain, in a leaf covered lawn under the tree we planted for your grandmother. I somehow hope above all hope you’d feel the same feelings I do and we could talk. We could erase the last horrible chapter and go back to a chapter where we fit so very well. Two hurt souls found each other once. We danced under the stars to silly songs, we danced in the rain. We were honestly there for one another, whether you remember that part or not as I know it doesn’t fit the narrative at the end. It was all we had and we handled it well. I see a thousand things I did wrong but I never felt I could ask you to take ownership of your part. I’m sorry my love. There’s a universe where we made it work, I wish I lived in that one. This one we didn’t make it and I have the rest of my life to remind me daily of that fact. Your absence is as loud as a rocket ship every morning. 18 months later I feel the same longing I felt day 1. If anything a bit more as I was foolishly hopeful we had a chance to fix. What you don’t feed inevitably dies. When I saw you at the funeral there wasn’t a chance left. It was a stack field and nothing I did or said could work out. Look inside and you’ll see that too, I’m sure of it.

Instead: I move forward. I wipe my tears and drive the line forward

Anonymous · day 525

I never expected this silence and ghosting from you. Over the past year and a half I didn’t have any anxiety or worries about our relationship. We had so much fun together…we had our future all planned, good morning texts every day, goodnight texts every night before bed. Little “I love you” texts throughout the day. I miss that the most. The day you started to drift away, I knew…I could feel the pain deep inside my heart. But I didn’t know why you were drifting, and I still don’t. I’m here without any answers. Ruminating and trying to heal. I just want to know what went wrong. I miss you so much, but I don’t want you back…now that I know you’re capable of hurting me like this, I CAN’T have you back. I deserve better…I am the prize, and you lost me. It’s YOUR loss, not mine. I know I will be okay eventually. But you will always be the person who let me slip through your fingers. In your quietest moments, may that thought always haunt your peace.

Instead: Read a book, went for a walk, crocheted, watched hockey.

Carrie · day 9

I hate that my kids still hurt when they think of you. I hate you for that.

Instead: Posted it here

Anonymous · day 547

It's been months since you ripped me into pieces. You said you wanted to be friends, and I tried. Fuck I tried. I try even now! I watched as you left me, telling me that you wasn't ready for a relationship only to start seeing the guy in your DMs, the guy you told me I never had to worry about, and you fell in love with him. Harder than you claimed to love me. After a week? And you say you didn't cheat? It wouldn't be the first time you lied! I couldn't take the pain of you not being mine. I spiralled. Tried therapy. Nothing worked. I nearly ended it. When he broke it off with you you came to me for solace. So I tried to be a friend. Even tho inside I was slowly dying. And you knew. Did you care? You started flirting a little with me. We texted and called almost every day. My heart soared. Then I watched you do it again. With your "First online Freind". Once again my heart cracked open. The wounds of the previous pain coming back to fill the hole you left. And Then.... he left you. I watched as these guys you chose over me crumpled and burned your heart, the heart I promised to keep and protect. I would rather have died than give you up or hurt you. But you knew this. Now your indifferent. You get angry over inconsequential shit. You only contact me when it's convenient for you. Or if you need to indirectly ask for help with somthing or money for food or whatever. And of course I never refuse. You never ask me if I'm ok. But I'm always there for you. You don't seem to understand the effect your indifference has on me and I'm just too fucking weak to ex you out of my life! I still love you. I don't know how not too. And it's slowly killing me. I'm so fucking depressed, I still love you so fucking much... Even after everything. But I can't trust you... I yearn for you every day. I feel pathetic. I feel weak! I feel so alone! But at least you're happy now.

Instead: Checked my messages constantly. Checked her online status. But I'm learning to stop. I have too

Byron

You’ve made it crystal clear that you’ve decided we have no future so I hope you can feel happier with that ‘clear direction’ you needed to be less stressed, for your future. Unfortunately it feels to me like I’ve wasted 25 years of my life pouring love and energy into someone who didn’t appreciate it or care at all about what I want. i would have stayed and done the work, but sadly I think I’ve always been the only one doing the work. We both can’t always be caring about you, because who is caring about me?? Saying that you’re 50 now so life needs to be easy and simple is such a cop out because we both know that divorce isn’t easy, obviously. It’s just the hard that you’re choosing. But I guess it’s easier for you when I’m the one managing the kids feelings through it all and I’m the one that has to undergo a huge life change. Yours will stay almost the same. I gave all of myself to you. I sacrificed so much of myself to ensure you were able to do anything you wanted whenever you wanted. Having kids didn’t even impact your life. I ended up absorbing all of it and doing it almost entirely alone and then you blame me saying I should have just asked for help more. You don’t see someone drowning and refuse to help them because you can’t hear them asking for help. You were meant to love me. Spent that mean that even just occasionally you could step outside yourself and see that I needed to be prioritised once in a while too?? When you saw me slowly giving up my career, my friends, my interests, etc because I was too busy raising kids to have time for any of it (even though you travelled several times a year on holidays and picked up several we hobbies and interests), did it not occur to you even once to step in and help so I too could have a life?? Instead you complain that I’m not as fun as I used to be. And then telling me that I need to be pursuing you because that’s just what you need, even though you have rejected me over and over is harsh. Saying I just need more confidence when I ask for compliments or reassurance and telling me that you don’t have the capacity to give it? And yet somehow I am the one to blame for all our issues because I can never get the timing or wording right when I bring up my hurts or concerns to you. It’s all just insanity. At least I’ve learned that I need to have better boundaries and that giving to someone doesn’t mean that they’ll ever give back to you.

Instead: I started a new project.

Anonymous

You are a piece of shit ! I wish I had told you that.

Sara · day 1000

Still stumbling though my emotions since you discarded me almost 4 months ago. I miss you terribly. I miss the life we were building together, but realize the woman I miss never really existed. That makes it worse. I feel foolish and alone. I wish things had turned out differently. I wish you fought for us, fought for me.

Instead: Went for a walk

Cam · day 101

Hi. I hope we are still friends. I miss texting. If you’re seeing someone I respect that but ’d like to know.

Instead: Cried

Lola · day 5

I did it again, I looked through your WhatsApp via you laptop with the 60 seconds I had before you came downstairs. Something niggled me. I know I shouldn't have done it and I promised I wouldn't do it again but there it is. Again from you. Messages to escorts with you wanting to meet them. You promised you never met the ones in the past and I'm not sure if you did or not. I don't know if you planned to meet these ones. I don't have time to check. I want to check again, all the time. To control it, to block and delete them. I need you, I love you and I can't leave because of you provide me with money I can never make myself. We have been together 2 years and you promised I was the one. I know you met me the same way you are betraying me now. I was one of those escorts when you met me. I wish we had never met.

Instead: Cried a lot and felt sick all evening. Don't know what to do next.

MM

Im back here again. I think he might be seeing someone else. might have had them lined up. I could cope better thinking he might be missing me, or being alone, but this is hurting. the absence and the betrayal . the dismissive throwing away fo me. i really want to move on. im so alone. Harry says this has ha[ppened so many times to so many people. it feels very lonely though doesnt it

Instead: going to have a beer and go to bed early

Annie s · day 15

Ive found out that you were never mine or intending to be in a relationship. It was all about another woman who had rejected you and finding favour in her eyes in in her crew. Like you have no identity of your own.. or self will. Except I think it might be sinking in now. How could I ever get back with you ? when you dont have your own initiative? I dont even think your choice to break up with me was even yours! I think she demanded it! Thats why you broke up with me just as I was setting up the exhibition... Im not going to giv you the benefit of my insight. You have to work this out for yourself, because until you learn to belong to yourself, how can you even think about having a relationship with someone else? Not while you still cow tow to her. AND SHE is too cowardly to admit she wants you, because she thinks you are too below her. yuck.

Instead: waited for my therapy session. enjoyed the sunny day.

Annie s · day 15

Part of me wants to message you, part of me wonders if you'll get in touch. And why? It finally happened. Our paths crossed after all this time. And what did you do? Scuttle off like the pathetic coward you are. My god, I wasn't expecting your extreme reaction. Fleeing like you're being chased. Why wouldn't you even look at me? You saw me, hid out the way, then scarpered. It strangely give me some validation that you freaked out so much. Your little sham finally blown. You should understand that my lack of reaction was because i was shocked and hurting, but I wasn't going to hide away because although you told HER you were single, you don't get to pretend I don't exist. How dare you act like I'm nothing. Like we were nothing. Seeing you run scared is absolutely ridiculous. A man of your age??? Running like a complete gutless wonder. I'm not being silenced by you and I'm not hiding away to make you feel better and protect you and your new wife. I'll shop where I want, and go where I want. If you choose to bring her to our area then that's the risk you'll take. I'm not being intimidated by you. You expected ME to run away didn't you. And when I stood my ground by not budging, you couldn't handle it. Good. Go and implode in your own head. You can fuck off. You absolute bastard.

Instead: Had a cry. Wrote here.

Anonymous

am I torturing myself ?ive found the rings we would buy for each other .WAs it all my imagination or did you really just abdicate and run away ? had we planned to be together in our souls and you just ran away? Had you always planned to destroy us? How could these echoes still feel so right and be so wrong.

Instead: In bed. deciding not to look at the rings any more

Annie s · day 15

today it all seems unreal ike you are a figment of my imagination, or actually a nightmare. a contradiction. Where did you come from into my life and why. Why was I comfortable, why did I start making jam and chutney and picking blackberries on the heath? why did I make icecream and buy equipment to make nice food? why did I get out pairs of beautiful glasses and a pair of hand painted bowls and make you breakfast? Why did you take it all Were you even real? How can you be so inhuman? What are you ? WHAT exactly are you actually ? Can someone tell me? Ive had an operation. My friend came round to get some pain killers for me , and some butter and I gave her some lunch. Im in bed. maybe as my body heals, my heart will, my mid will, my imagination will, my soul will, my life will. Where is the person Im supposed to be with ? where is the laughter and the dancing that is reciprocated? Ive recommended dad hugs to another friend... she needs this too.. she keeps wanting to go back and snuggle with the emptiness of the man who isnt ... thats what you are ... a man who isnt. so what exactly are you ?

Instead: Took a pain killer and some antibiotics and got back into bed with a hot water bottle

Annie s · day 15

I cannot believe whilst I am away you had your old bint around in my house, stupidly not realizing she's asking Alexa things!!! Cooking for her which is just fucking weird as u haven't done that in the past 38 years. you breadcrumb me and avoid everything.lie and keep me stringing along, you can't seem to just tell the truth and let me go. I don't even like you anymore but for some reason I'm stuck on thinking of her and everything you do for her. I did think of disappearing last night for ever but the children need me and I need me. You tell me you need me but go to her house pretty much every day.

Instead: Sent a friendly text like a door mat.

Anonymous

I don’t understand how you can discard me and our life together after 15 years. I feel so abandoned.

Instead: Cried

Anonymous · day 45

After 8 years... I deserved atleast a kinder breakup. This was cruel..abrupt.. agressive... And impulsive. You didn't even think ki let's give it a thought...bas jo man me aya gusse me bol diya chale gaye.... atleast kuch soch lete.... discarded me like the cheapest thing you can ever buy.....gussa aya ..nikal gae...keh diya go away and never come back...no conversation. No reason. No closure. Impulse and screaming. This was all I was worth. If there was someone else or even if u had one foot out i deseeved to know I deserve atleast 2 mins of consideration or a clear mind...after 8 fucking years. Ended it in a 20 min call..lost all feelings within minutes. Moved forward didn't look back..

Instead: Cried

Chippi

I hate how I base my value on how and if you interact with me. I never used be like this, having an anxious attachment style really is a constant battle. I wish we never met, I used to be happy.

Instead: Did a meditation

Anonymous

I know now my love alone is not enough. I can’t love you into loving me. I’d have given you the world and you would even have had to ask.

Instead: Cried

Anonymous · day 2

Im so done. Im so exhausted , im so anxious and depressed. Ive just signed on for betterhelp some online counselling service. Its not just you, although why were you so cruel ? you knew what i was going through with my son, and you used the same ghosting to destroy me when you were bored or annoyed or fed up with me. You have done this so many times over the 4 years you have been chasing me. Like not turning up when you said you would and making it my fault that I wasnt psychic. Like not picking up the phone, not replying in good time, not making sure im ok, just doing your own things as if I didnt exist, except, when you felt like haivng me around. thats abues isnt it. One of the first times a couple of years ago, you held me in bed. it was so beautiful it became my special place. You knew about the traumas thefamily suffered, you pretended to be kind. But it was a ploy wasnt it? Your way of love bombing to get what you wanted. access to my crowd, my life the places I go to that you wanted to go, the people I know who you wanted to know. What is left now? I am almost always anxious. My nervous system is awful. Im depressed. i know I am. Im pretty hopeless. who would want to be around me? But my dear friend came round and let me cry in front of her. And my other son listened as I said Im in crisis. I have to let epople know who actually do care. Harry, Im trusting this process. its words like so many people have been here and got through. Its like a life line. Just got to get through. day 14. its the furthest ive got and Im going to do it. I really hope I will feel better. will my body ever stabilise again ? Ive got the issue of ghosting and estrangement form my eldest son to deal with too. So Im getting that extra therapy.

Instead: Sitting in the evening. Not sending it. About to contemplate making a list from the beginning of the breadcrumbs and the signs I missed because i didnt want to see them and I wanted to believe in love. Also acknowledging, I really have had a very tough ride. I dont want to just feel the fear and do it anyway any more. i really want to be free and happy at last

Annie 2 · day 14

I appreciate this special place to write what Id like to say to you, but must never ever send because it will put me back. Somehow you actually diminished me and somehow I allowed it to happen. I play it back, in the light of I dont know how or why I let you do that. Because where it left me was not in a great place and with very little to work with to actually move forward with. Like so much material that I recognised as me became dependent on you seeing me. When did that actually happen? That i lost myself and even feel as though I have lost the world around me? That was me working extra hard. giving too much , believing it was going to pay off.. Now Im seeing you as some sort of Nigerian Love gangster, a con artist. I was watching a bbc film about love hoaxers. They actually get money from women and never meet them, they steal other peoples profiles. Was I really a lonely middle aged woman you could con? Was I really that sad? That easy to manipulate? Can I ever think highly of myself again in company? Will I ever believe that any man is not the same? All I can do is trust this process. Its hard. Its quite cruel but not as cruel as you. Somehow hating you is something I dont want to do, its almost like hating something that was mine. My vision of you was full of love and trust, and I cant let myself hate that. At the moment Im working on claiming that back so I can hate whta you really are and what you really did. I went to a party last night. It was fulll of really lovely people, but I found that I was shy. I had to initiate converstaions. I didnt drink alcohol, and I left just when the dancing started. I think I couldnt trust myself not to cry. I ran away. I hope there will be another party Im brave enough to go to , where I will know who I am again. I think I did that because I didnt really know who I am any more. Fake it to make it? Not yet, it was hurting too much and the nervous system isnt settled yet.

Instead: Glad the day is over and Im safe in bed.

annie s · day 13

It's been a few months now. It still hurts, but it's no longer that sharp, stabbing pain, like a knife that I used to turn against myself. It's only brief spells of discomfort, sadness, nostalgia, and doubt. I've come into my own again, somewhat. I no longer feel like dying, like nobody could ever want me, like my world is bleak. I've had too much evidence to the contrary: so many men have been interested in me, even at my rock bottom; I've been doing great in my hobbies; I have community and people who care. I like what I see in the mirror most days. You lost me, too, and I bet you're hurting too, in quieter moments. You don't process your emotions, just escape through alcohol, cheap thrills, new partners, limerence. Maybe you're happy, but I have a hard time believing it when I know how little you've changed. I think that's the biggest difference between us. I grieved so hard I thought it might kill me, but now I sleep better, feel better, feel embodied and alive again. You don't grieve, and it hits you, and that's why you can't sleep at night.

Anonymous

Four months post breakup and you're posting a photo with another woman. You told me you didn't give enough time between your last relationship and me. Apparently four months is enough time. Glad to have my suspicions confirmed. Women are disposable to you. I hope she drains your wallet - because I know that's where it will hurt the most.

Instead: Texted my besties.

Anonymous · day 120

I was going to comment this on your post about how a "good person" can still be a "bad fit", but I cannot risk him seeing it and exploding.. Currently DEEP in this with my beloved, who discarded me after our 14 year anniversary this August (which we didn't even celebrate, because if I don't put it on the calendar and do the work to MAKE the plans, he can't be bothered to contribute more than his attendance, driving us to/from, and paying for parking or dinner) We are currently cohabitating as amicably as possible, but sleeping in separate rooms (which kills me), and he continually affirms that if it weren't for how much he loves/wants to keep our house, he would've already moved out until I'm ready to settle on a "buy out" proposition and just.. disappear, I guess.. 😔💔 I am not "innocent", we both brought/operated a lot of unhealed trauma into this relationship 14 years ago.. but I was 25 then, we're both on the cusp of 40 now, and so far as he has shared my "crime" is that I reaffirmed my faith & relationship with Jesus Christ last year, so now I'm a "religious bigot" whose desire to make some changes in my life to enjoy a more "Christ-like lifestyle" is an intolerably heinous affront to his lifestyle of free love, consumption, and chasing whatever "happiness" might feel like on a whim

Instead: Posted it here, where it's SAFE and still "seen" by someone who matters to me

Katie · day 56

This is so cruel because you know my son estranged himself so you know I’m incredibly vulnerable to ghosting . When I let you back in in April it is because I thought you meant it she you said you’d reply always in good time because you were awful to me if you thought I’d sent you too many messages . I let you back in because you promised you’d reply in good time . Guys time you didn’t and you broke up with me because of the trauma response you know I have because of caring for my Husband . I’m vulnerable when I’m In relationship . You knew this but you not only ghosted but I came round to save our relationship and you literally turned your back on me in bed and refused to cuddle me or hold me and told me to go or sleep in the other room and you wouldn’t say if you were breaking up with me . Because of the dial pain of my son’s ghosting I gave lost all will to live . It’s too much to bear because I’ve only ever loved and supported you and him . Yes I go and do things but a life without reciprocal love from one vulnerable being to another isn’t worth living . Or that’s how it feels at the moment . For me I need only a little respect and to believe I’m Loved wanted and needed . I b don’t agree that this is anxious attachment but that the behaviour of ghosting makes one anxious . It’s unnatural . It feels demonic actually . I’m hanging on in there . But I had an anxiety dream last night about my son so I’ve sent him emails to beg him to desist . I watch the videos about adult child estrangements . I cannot go against my nature .. I cannot stop being the living partner and mother yet this behaviour you both exhibit is cruel . Thanks for this place. Maybe I should have written emails to my son here , but I sent them . 1@ years of his abusive ghosting Is enough . It has to be resolved . None of us know how long we have in life . All abuse like these two men is a ctinn m e against our lives imho . I am very broken

Instead: Sitting waiting for a plane and staying alive

Annies · day 11

When we stopped talking two months ago I already had a planned visit to your city. For the first month I was sure I'll message you when I get there. A week before my flight I blocked you. Now I have been here for two weeks, I walked the streets that brought so many memories and tears. Got drunk a couple of times and at any point, even though you were on my mind a lot, I didn't unblock you or thought it'd be a good idea to see you. Maybe I finally got my closure.

Instead: Packed to go back home.

TR · day 85

You made me choose between being happy with you and being happy without you. I still don’t know if I made the right choice

Anonymous · day 51

yes. i am pretending you don't exist, which is why there is no communication between us. after what you did to me and my boys, i have zero respect for you. you are not a father. a father doesn't drag his 7-year-old son into his affair and then walk out on him. So no, I will not parent with you, I'd rather do it all on my own. I think that says alot. so yes. you don't exist anymore. that's how i get through my life you destroyed so you could join your fantasy family. And that's on you.

Instead: Put in music and started preparing supper for my son.

Trina · day 458

Ten years. Every single day i showed up. And the whole time you were building a whole other life behind my back. It was never real. Now you've decided you want to be a part-time parent, and everyone expects me to become one too. I don't want that. I've been his mother every day since the day he was born. Been there every single day, while you ignored us. And I've loved every single day of of his life, the school volunteering, the multiple late night wake ups, sick days..... I will hate you for the rest of my life for trying to take that from me.....that is my promise to you.

Instead: Drank some tea and sat with myself.

Trina · day 458

Hey, it’s like you’re psychic. Do you intuitively know when to send a message? Are you somehow able to see how I feel? Yes it’s crazy the lights are up already. You know how much I love Christmas. But that’s ridiculously early, even for me!! I went to OM’s funeral yesterday. I went, I read, and felt so alone in that pew. I really wanted you there. I feel angry that you were not. Sad I was alone. I needed you. It’s so….. painful. And yet I know that the reality would have been so confusing. So wonderful and so secure in one way, so unpredictable and fraught with worry about how you’d react to me seeing people of old in another. I’d have felt and held it. So I was glad I was alone. And sad. And angry. And god I feel like a hug today. And so, your text, right now, is like you know.

Instead: I came here and wrote this. And I’m telling myself it’s not a good idea.

Anonymous · day 120

You have broken my heart again and again and again and I still want to take you back. How can a smart person be so so so dumb.

Instead: Cried on the couch

Cammie · day 2

How could you promise that the next year would get better 8 years in a row, promise me a future, a holiday for which this year you would save., how could you be angry when I would point out we were in a relationship that you didn’t invest in or save for future goals you were exited about, chose to buy a home with me that I renovated for 1,5 years and left my appartment for, where I was perfectly fine on my own would you have left it there, telling me you where sure about the house only to kick me out 6 months later for an 18 year old which you already planned to replace me with while you promised me security so we could start a family after 2 early abortions because of money issues we had finally overcome. How could you not see she enjoyed playing with you, being the homewrecker, making us lose everything and the life we could finally have. And how could you keep a weed addiction from me you have never been honest about., killing all initiative and literally making love impossible because you where more in love with getting high half of the time., kicking me out bc I was worried and asking too many questions - and without a solution so we would both have a place to live and divide the finances, how could you break my heart and future while having to deal with the mess you left me in while you spend all your time and money at the coffeeshop and selling me lies about financial hardship and the stress you put me in. Loving you, helping you become a stable man and providing time and money for your dream career, your sick family expectations and enmeshment cost me the best years of my life., changing my jobs 3x to fit your schedule, 1000x minimizing and adapting myself to become smaller and smaller, living on crumbs and promises, being your advisor,mom,therapist to pull you out of the mess. And when you had your confidence back and stuff in place again so I could for once feel stuff was stable, you jump ship and fuck that up as well.

Instead: Left devastated and moved into my grandmothers old home which is rundown, cold and noisy., spending all my time renovating with no where else to go., in a shitty town where I don’t know anyone, far away from the beach which I loved, while he is living the single dream in our perfect mutual home in the middle of the city close to the beach with everything you’d want being single, realising I let myself be manipulated for him to keep everything without having to deal with the consequences of being a mature adult and ensuring both of us have a place to live and can move on.

Anonymous

Een liedje. Een gitarist. Een gezicht. En plots die herkenning. De contouren van jouw gezicht, jouw mond, jouw gestalte. Alsof mijn hart je nog altijd zoekt, zelfs wanneer mijn hoofd allang weet dat ik je niet meer wil. God, wat ben ik nog verliefd op dat gezicht. Op iets wat nooit helemaal van mij is geweest. Op iemand die me wist te raken, maar me niet kon dragen. Toen je pas verdwenen was, zag ik je overal. In vreemde mannen, in een glimlach, in de manier waarop iemand liep. Ik herkende je nog voor ik besefte dat jij het niet was. Nu zie ik je haast nooit meer. Hoewel we amper een straat van elkaar wonen. En mocht ik je tegenkomen, dan zou ik waarschijnlijk wegkijken. Je ontwijken. Je niet willen zien. Maar ik mis je. Ik mis je zelfzekerheid. Je vastberadenheid. De manier waarop je me kon bespelen zonder me zelfs maar aan te raken. Hoe je me uit evenwicht bracht en tegelijk iets in mij wakker maakte. God, wat mis ik je soms. Maar ik wil nooit meer terug naar wat we niet hadden.

Instead: Write a poem about the unknown... En dus vraag ik me af... Waar ben jij? Niet jij van vroeger. Maar jij die nog moet komen. Jij die me ziet en niet wegkijkt. Jij die voelt dat er iets tussen ons beweegt en niet eindeloos blijft twijfelen. Val je op mij? Durf dan iets. Wees een man. Verras me. Kom dichterbij. Zeg me wat je ziet. Vertel me waarom je juist naar mij toe wilt. Want ja, ik ben bang. Bang dat je mijn lichaam zult lezen. Dat je zult zien hoe hard ik verlang. Hoeveel zachtheid er achter mijn kracht schuilt. Hoe lang ik al wacht op armen waarin ik niet sterk hoef te zijn. En misschien ben ik nog banger dat je me helemaal niet zult kunnen lezen. Maar stel dat je het wél kunt. Dat je me aankijkt en begrijpt. Dat je je armen om me heen slaat en ik eindelijk niet meer hoef te zoeken naar een plek om te landen. Dat ik in je mag verdwijnen zonder mezelf te verliezen. Mag ik breken bij jou? Mag ik even niet de vrouw zijn die alles aankan? Mag ik trillen wanneer je me vasthoudt? Mag mijn lichaam afkickverschijnselen vertonen van al die jaren waarin het zichzelf heeft geleerd om zonder die ene, echte omhelzing te kunnen? Kun jij het aan als ik niet meteen los wil laten? Als ik plots verdrietig word, niet omdat je iets verkeerd doet, maar omdat het zo lang geleden is dat iemand me op die manier heeft vastgehouden? Als een knuffel meer losmaakt dan duizend woorden? Als ik je kus en niet alleen je lippen wil proeven, maar ook de rust die je me brengt? Als mijn vingers over je huid willen strelen, langzaam, nieuwsgierig, alsof ze eindelijk ergens mogen thuiskomen? Ik wil je liefhebben. Met heel mijn zijn. Ik wil je steunen, je uitdagen, met je lachen, je opvangen wanneer jij het moeilijk hebt. Ik wil je verslinden met mijn ogen, je opeten met kussen, je verlangen voelen en je tegelijkertijd alle ruimte geven om jezelf te zijn. Ik wil niet gered worden. Ik wil gedragen worden wanneer ik moe ben. Zoals ik jou zal dragen wanneer jij even niet meer kunt. Ik wil geen man die me bespeelt om te voelen hoeveel macht hij over me heeft. Ik wil een man die me raakt en blijft. Die niet schrikt van mijn intensiteit. Die mijn vuur niet wil doven, maar er zijn handen aan durft te warmen. Die zegt: Ik zie je. Ook dat stukje dat je zo zorgvuldig verborgen houdt. En ik wil dichterbij komen. Waar ben je? Jij die mijn hart sneller doet slaan, maar mijn lichaam eindelijk tot rust brengt. Jij bij wie verlangen geen onzekerheid wordt. Jij bij wie ik niet hoef te raden of ik welkom ben. Jij die veilig voelt. Misschien is dat wel wat ik al die tijd zocht. Niet opnieuw verliefd worden op iemand die me niet kan dragen. Maar eindelijk verliefd mogen worden op iemand bij wie ik niet bang hoef te zijn om te vallen. En die, wanneer ik in zijn armen breek, niet probeert me snel weer heel te maken. Maar me gewoon wat steviger vasthoudt. Tot ik vanzelf weer ademhaal.

Els · day 1000

How could you say I'm the love of your life and spend years sending intimate photos and videos to women on the other side of the world. I thought we were healing and building. Instead you let me believe in us while you created a secret fantasy life with multiple women. Do you know how much that broke me? Do you even care? Now you pretend I don't exist while we still need to raise our daughter without scarring her for life.

E J · day 500

Do you know what gets me? There's absolutely zero justification for what you did. I can't say you're unwell, or lack capacity or insight. You're certainly sick - in the way that you revel in your grotesque twisted personality. But you think you're thriving in your manic ego driven haze - but wherever you go, whatever you do, no matter who you con next....you're always YOU I wonder how long you can keep your narrative up and keep believing your own lies. Are you faltering yet? What happens when you get bored? You've locked yourself into this and it's all your own doing. I might be the one suffering now, but in time it'll be me who's free, whilst you're stuck in a prison of your own making Boohoo hoooooo - cry me a f##kn' river.

Instead: Did some frantic cleaning

Anonymous

I’m starting to hate you. This is my life too. And, through your fucking indecision and weakness, you’re halting it.

Instead: Put my phone down, made something to eat

Anonymous

I think I'm doing "ok", then get home from work tonight and just sobbed for 20 minutes. No specific trigger. Maybe I'm tired. I woke at 3am and for some reason was imagining how you would look at me if our paths ever crossed in a shop. Would it be your blank robot face, would you snarl at me, would you look sad if something inside you recognised what you'd done to the stranger in front of you who used to make your heart dance. It makes no difference. You're not that person anymore, and after your damage, nor am I. It takes all my energy to barely function. Get up, go to work, pretend I'm fine, and then sink into my car seat with exhaustion wondering how I'll drive home. I hope this passes. I know the only way out, is through. So it's a case of keeping on. But knowing you probably don't even acknowledge I existed, is hard. You've made me invisible, and worthless. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, because you took that away from me. And I'm pretending I'm fine, then getting home with nothing left in the tank. How many people are left in this position by "men" like you? I feel so sad. Part of me still can't believe you did this to me. 😢

Instead: Doing some more work to keep myself occupied

Anonymous

I'm not hard to fall in love with. But something in me has changed. I listen to red flags now. And still, yesterday morning, a song brought me to tears on my way to work. Years pass. I see the pain, the unfairness, the longing, everything that was missing. And there was a lot missing. But I can't undo the love. I had never felt that kind of recognition before. That ease of talking, of understanding each other without explaining so much. It was real. And so was the hurt. I see the broken parts now, where love and attachment became tangled. And how cruel it is to understand it all and still love someone. Somewhere in me, I still dream. I know there's a door I could open, but I choose not to. Not because the love is gone, but because I've changed. Maybe I'll never unlove him. And I've accepted that. I want to move forward. My wishes for love are different now. I still want depth, but also safety. Connection, but also consistency. I can love him and still choose a different kind of love for myself.

Instead: 'The sun will never settle on the love I feel for you' - posted on my Facebook (while my page is unused otherwise). It's my goodbye letter - we always communicated in songs. I did so months after I bailed on a request of him to meet up again this summer. In answer to a profile picture he put. In almost 3 years the profile picture is the only but also the thing I sometimes look at from him... It is as if he knows... I can't undo it.

Els · day 999

5 years of dealing with the impact of your choices: to leave, come back many times, start a long affair with a ‘friend’, sell our family home & buy a place for you 100miles from where the family and I live. You’ve told me you want to make this marriage work but when you’re here with me (and like a bloody fool I le you come) it’s like walking on eggshells… there is nothing left. You have taken it all. Another weekend spent on my own as you ‘had to get back’ (for what and to who?) Sundays are the worst - always used to be so busy with kids, roasts & family time. I see my friends (& strangers) having family time on Sundays and feel hollos, sad & invisible. Today is a grey Monday, I work for myself but can’t concentrate not because of you but wondering how I move on, imaging telling you what a selfish, self-obsessed & ultimately boring son of a bitch you are. But I don’t because I’m 62 and scared of being on my own & probably floored by depression, tiredness & sadness. You created a narrative to suit your choices. I have lost friends, a business and my sense of self … so much more to say but what’s the point? You don’t see, hear or understand because it’s now about you.

Instead: Went out and did some photocopying that I needed to do. Exciting!

Anonymous

Stop sending me messages that make out like we’re friends. You’ve blocked me on all your social media accounts so I can no longer see photos of our little boy so why would you pretend to be my friend. I hate you so much for blowing my life apart and for being the reason I can’t see my son every day. I wanted to hang on in case you changed your mind and came back but don’t worry I’ve got the message loud and clear now. Time to start working on getting over you, to stop loving you, to stop wondering what you’re doing, to stop wishing I was out on a family day with you and our son, because you’ve made your new family now. And I deserve to be happy, even if you don’t think so.

Instead: Raged inwardly, cried a bit then decided a need a new tattoo!

Anonymous · day 332

i love you. i know you moved on and you are probably happy with the person you chose. it still feels like you chose them over me, and you probably happily tell them that you love them and you are glad they say it back to you. from me, you wouldn't accept it. but I don't need your approval to admit what i feel. and ironicly, weights lift from my shoulders when i repeat i love you, i love you, it's you i love. nobody has to understand it, explain it, or justify it. not you, not anyone, not even me. there's nothing to expect and nothing to gain, as I mourned every loss, even if you haven't considered them a loss. you don't get to control this as you held on desperately to control the outcome of our relationship so that you would get the upper hand and get out unscathed. and carrying this love is much more easier and makes my life feel pure again then carrying the defensiveness, guilt and shame your discard caused. i guess love does win in the end, and only love remains, just not the way i expected or hoped for.

Anonymous · day 78

6 whole months of silence between us. Sometimes it feels like moments ago, sometimes an age. I doubt your conscious mind thinks of me - because you'll never face how you purposely annihilated my life to propel yourself forward. But I wonder how long your subconscious will keep quiet. Because that's where it'll get you. Gnawing away inside like a grub in an apple. The physical horror of realising what you'd done has subsided. I now just feel shattered. You're too busy thrashing about in your "new life" to appreciate what you've done to me. And that hurts. The way you just cut me dead like I never existed when I gave half of my life to you. I guess your capacity to do that says it all. And I'm glad I can't comprehend how someone can treat another like that - because I would never want to be like you. I don't miss feeling constantly on edge because YOU made that vibe ripple through our entire relationship. Constantly checking your appearance, constantly performing in public to be seen a certain way, constantly asking if your outfit looked ok, your car HAS to be immaculate. Honestly. For gods sake. Give it up. Nobody gives a hoot if you walk into a supermarket in your casual wear and your car has dust on it. It was like being with someone with a rod up his arse 365 days a year. And it had a huge effect on me. Feeling constantly scrutinised because nobody matches your standards do they (well except for you know who....you wierdos) Aren't you tired? Isn't your 24/7 nice guy act exhausting? Don't you feel sick of spinning plates inside your house of cards - worried about when it'll all collapse? How do people like you manage when their entire existence is based on a grounding of lies and back stabbing? Surely it'll catch up with you one day? To spend every day hypervigalant, looking over your shoulder, wondering who might reveal the true you to your new wife must be terrifying. You always were paranoid about what everyone thought of you at the best of times But now it must be completely deafening. I've no doubt she'll join the dots soon enough. Your inconsistency with your tall stories and excuses will soon get picked up. Your moods, manipulation, guilt trips, control will all start creeping in - because you can't hide who you really are forever. Your manic wave of adrenaline from being on the "honeymoon high" will hit shore soon enough, and when you've exhausted every persona you play and she gets the sullen snarky misery you are after work in your ridiculous joggers....she'll get that horrible feeling as her body registers the first, of a million red flags you show. Because you're the ultimate red flag. And I wish you'd leave women alone. Because all you do is take your issues out on them. And none of us deserve it. And it's crazy because you're NOT all that!!! I wasn't particularly into you when we met. But you showered me with attention, made me feel seen, and that's how you get in under peoples skin. You look for a chink in their armour and slither in like the snake you are. It's so insidious and predatory. I hope in another 6 months I can say I'm in a much better place and can feel and see the progress in me. I know you not being in my life if ALOT healthier for me. I just think right now I'm in the trenches of it. There was a post online which showed a visual representation of healing - a jumbo jet taking off on a run way, going up into dense clouds, and you see nothing for a good few moments - and as the viewer you momentarily think oh god is it ok - and then it zooms up majestically up out of the clouds and into the blue sky above into blazing sunlight. And it's beautiful. So I know right now I'm in those thick dense clouds. And I can't wait to soar towards the sun. Because the higher and I go, the further I'll be from you.

Instead: Wanted to have a cry, haven't got the energy.

Anonymous

You pursued ME. You outright told me you wouldn't set a standard you couldn't maintain. You talked me out of my doubts about life stage/ distance/ the fact you're younger than me. You talked about the future. You made me feel chosen. YOU set the pace of the entire relationship and I eased into it and let my walls down because I thought you were showing consistency. Then you pulled back and blamed work, thanked me for being kind and patient, promised things would get better, told me you wanted things to get back to how they were. Then you ended it via a message blaming not being ready for a relationship/ lack of capacity/ "your own issues"/ how unsustainable our dynamic was. All the things I was initially wary of and you talked me out of. You then became cold and defensive and refused to talk on the phone/ in person and fucked off on holiday to "distract yourself from all this" and went back into your carefree, responsibility free life. Meanwhile I'm left holding the pieces whilst continuing a busy, boring, stressful, real adult life. I can see that we weren't compatible long term, I truly can, but the complete 180, the way you ended it, and the way you switched into a completely different person to what you'd initially convinced me you were is so so jarring. You had someone who was willing to give this a proper go despite the glaring differences between us, and you made me think you wanted that too. I feel like a complete fucking idiot. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I am furious and devastated all at the same time. So disrespectfully, fuck you, fuck your issues, fuck your capacity and fuck you thinking your final message telling me how amazing I am makes you a good person, because we both know the only reason you did that was to make yourself feel better and avoid sitting and thinking about how you actually encouraged my attachment in the first place. Arsehole.

Instead: Made some food because I have already dropped 3kg in a week from this, messaged some friends, made some plans and got 8 hours of sleep

Anonymous · day 4

"Shitty people do shitty things to you because they feel shitty about themselves" Well, what a gargantuan Everest size pile of steaming shit you are.

Instead: Off for a haircut

Anonymous

I feel flat and dead inside. I guess this is the next stage of this shit. Right now I don't actively miss you, i haven't cried in days, I don't feel any particularly strong emotions. If its my body and minds way of protecting me, then I guess I'm glad of the self preservation. But I'm scared for the future. Wondering whether to get genetic testing done, torn between wondering if i could handle knowing if anything bad was coming, yet also feeling i should know. Either way, I'm alone. You made sure of that. I passed a car like yours today on the motorway, I wasn't sure if it was you. It may have been. I felt nothing really which is good. You know I'm not a horoscope person but something popped up online about a retrograde coming up this and next month which bring exes back into the orbit of my starsign. Please, don't come near, ever again. Oh and I googled her. She will annoy the shit out of you in time. I hope she grates on you for eternity. It'd serve you right for marrying her you prick. God I'm beyond tired. And I miss my girl. You still don't even know she's dead. I don't think I'll ever get over having to take her to the pet crematorium on my own. I cried all the way home because I thought I was abandoning her even though she'd already departed to wherever it is we go. Oh, I grew my hair colour out. I was going to go grey but I think I'll get something new. I'm also looking for a new job. This department is awful. Passive aggressive clicks fools who don't have an ounce of professionalism between them. I'm absolutely done. Who knows what's next. I hate you for leaving me so ruined i don't trust my own judgement anymore. I still can't believe what a disappointment you are. How low you went, and how after loving you with my every fibre, I now feel zero respect for you - just disgust. Wishing you the shittest weekend. I hope you step on a 3 pin plug. Arsehole.

Instead: Cheese. Tonight it's a cheeseboard of stinking cheese because you couldn't handle anything more than a mild cheddar, you manchild.

Anonymous

Yesterday at the doctor’s office there was a mildly famous celebrity in the waiting room with me. When he walked past me suddenly I realised he was wearing your Bleu de Chanel and I nearly burst into tears. I had to douse my hands in hand san and hold them up to my nose. The smell of you for the first time in a year and a half brought it all back so viscerally and I hate how unfair it feels. I’ve done so much work to heal and I can still get triggered so easily, while you walk around the same streets apparently oblivious and living your best life.

Instead: I’d never send it. But he keeps living in my head rent free no matter how much I try to pivot my attention to all the beautiful things in my own life. Doesn’t help that I see him around regularly from afar. I grounded myself, tried to laugh it off (wasn’t exactly a sexy celebrity) and tried to turn my attention to what I needed, not to him.

AKC · day 575

Today it's been four months since the last time I saw you. I didn't know it would be the last time although something felt a little off. We snuggled in bed in the morning as usual but then you got busy getting ready for your travels and, when I left your house, it seemed you were ready for me to go. I think you already knew you were going to move back home and I never heard a word from you after that. Several weeks later, I texted you to invite you to a party and got 5 words back...left Texas, back in XXXXX. I wished you well because I'm nice person but wish I had waited and said what I really wanted to..not that it would make a difference. I didn't even rate a goodbye. No..nice knowing you..thanks for all the fun etc...after you had just told me you cared for me the weekend before. Why is it so hard for me to accept it's over? Do you even know or care that you hurt me? You were always inconsistent and it kept me hooked. We spent so much time at my house that you are still imprinted everywhere..making it even harder for me to forget you and the memories are so strong. People keep telling me I will hear from you again but I don't think so and I hope, if I do, by that time my self respect will allow me to no longer want you. Working every day to really get that you were just a chapter in my life and never meant to stay. But we were magic when we were together and I'm scared I'll never feel again how I felt when I was with you.

Instead: Deleted text threads and photos because I have too many things that remind me of you and you threw me away like I was nothing. Trying to do something good for myself each day to improve my mental and physical well being.

Anonymous · day 120

(Context: we met this summer and had a glorious love affair, we healed each other after terrible relationships with exes - I wanted kids, she didn’t. We agreed to not vocalise our feelings, until I did) You know I said it almost flippantly, off the cuff, aloof, but of course how could I not have meant it? Did it mean any less? Of course I do. How could I not? I know you do. Or at least, I know you did. I could see it in your eyes, in the way you purred back at me. Don’t think for a moment I don’t think about you, because I do. Literally all the time.

Instead: Cried. A lot. And then listened to the band we saw a bunch. Then went on a cycle

Anonymous · day 9

Today would’ve been our 36th wedding anniversary. We are almost one year since our divorce has been finalized. A lot of crappy things happened in our marriage and it all came to a point where I had to get some self-respect and decide that you are constant betrayals were not acceptable. Lots and lots and lots of grace had been given, but when I’d ask you point blank “what about us as a couple is worth fighting for?“ And you replied that you didn’t know, that you needed to go talk to a counselor on how to answer that question… That was one of the final straws. That was the most pathetic answer in the history of man!

Instead: Today I will be getting together with friends, going to lunch and dinner with friends and going for a walk with friends.

Kelly · day 331

Hey I hope you’re doing ok. I’ve wondered what happened because all of this is jarring. You left three times, for no reason, just disappeared then came back, and now it’s been over a month since you went missing again. And I’m here seeing you active on dating apps, throwing fire emojis at public IG profiles with suggestive pictures, while my favourite pajama top is still with you. I’m staying quiet not because its easy or brave but because I don’t deserve this profound disrespect or pain. I still care, you still matter, this still hurts, but I’m choosing my self-respect.

Instead: Cried and cried and smoked a cigarette and spoke to myself and then cried more.

Sajani · day 31

It’s been a month since our last text exchange. It was a logistics text about taking our daughter into town. Since April they’ve all been logistics texts. I’ve stopped showing you my emotions. After a year of wearing my heart on my sleeve, only to be met with cold indifference, I realised you didn’t care. And that hurts more than you walking away after 24 years together. For nearly quarter of a century you were the only life I knew and the only life I wanted. As difficult as things were towards the end, I never imagined a future without you by my side. You were my best friend. And now we don’t exist in each other’s worlds except for the tenuous link we have with our kids, who are both now old enough to make their own decisions and have established routines that don’t require us to contact each other. A month. It’s the longest time since our first date in May of 2001 that we haven’t seen, spoken to, or texted each other. That first date was a lifetime ago. I fell in love with you that night. And as much as I want to feel as indifferent to you as you do me, I’m still in love with you. But you know that. Given our recent exchanges, I’m sure you think I resent you, or hate you, and sometimes I do. But you know, deep down, that I’m as in love with you as I was the night we shared our first kiss. I can’t remember our last kiss. And if I knew it would be the last, I’d have etched that moment in my memory. Like I have our first. Perhaps one day I’ll find love again, but I’m not holding out any hope. Besides, I’m not sure I have the capacity to love anyone as much as I loved you, and I’m not sure I have the ability to mask how broken I am. Still. A year-and-a-half since you ended things between us, six months since I last showed you any vulnerability, and a month since we’ve communicated at all. You were my everything, and now I struggle to even remember your face. The face I looked at and adored for half my life. I wish I was still the man you wanted.

Instead: Went for a walk, cried at the top of a hill.

Anonymous · day 534

I have an appointment to Euthanize Nym today. How do you make an appointment to kill your best friend of 16 years. God I need you today. But Nym and I have weathered many storms alone. So, today we take our last drive together. And I do one more thing alone....

Instead: Wept

LR

What actually was I to you? Someone you could message to share moments of intimacy, and humour and warmth with. But then it would vanish. And I’d wonder when / if I’d hear from you. No longer seeing each other at our kids’ school events, any real world connection disappeared, You told me nice things and it felt like ‘something’. But it never really happened. You told me how you went on dating sites - though it wasn’t for you. But because you didn’t like how it worked; nothing to do with me. I wondered why you never asked me out. When we had so much, and could have had so much more. I couldn’t ask you for fear of you saying no, and me losing what I had. I’ve lost it anyway. Because I needed to choose me when you didn’t.

Instead: Re-wrote my message multiple times. Then made dinner.

Anonymous · day 30

Facebook posts and (most) friends say the same thing: just walk away. He’s given you crumbs. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how much you felt; how much he hurt you. I know it’s true in some ways. But you also made me feel alive. You made me feel like me. I want you to know: I want to tell you how much I felt and how it broke me a bit more each time you were silent. To the point where I couldn’t keep the connection going anymore. I want you to know I’ve not contacted you, not because I don’t care, or because life has got in the way or because I’ve met someone, but because I needed to protect myself. I can’t keep going until you tell me you’ve met someone. I could never hear those words.

Instead: Tried not to cry in public. I constantly feel on the verge of tears. Cried in bed.

Anonymous · day 32

I don’t why you’ve gone quiet again. Our last chat was light and fun. And then nothing. I could have messaged you again. I don’t need for us to ‘take turns’, but I do need to not carry this connection alone. As always, I wonder: is it just that you don’t even really notice the gaps - as you dip in and out? Are you depressed and withdrawn? Have you met someone? Though our last messages were jokey, before that you’d said some intimate and thoughtful things - was that you much for you? Or was my reply too much? I wish I knew, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. The impact is the same. It’s feels destabilising to have closeness and then have it vanish. I don’t know whether to stay in silence - silence was your choice. Or to tell you why I can’t do this anymore. I fucking adore you, and I’ll never get to tell you.

Instead: Listened to the radio. Cried. (I have cried far too much over you).

Anonymous · day 31

I want a day when I don’t think about you. As if it’s not enough that I think about you anyway, you pop up, online in mutual friends’ posts; or I see your likes (I no longer follow you, but I haven’t unfriended you (yet)). I see you comment in the kids’ football WhatsApp group we’re both in. Do I cross your mind at all?

Instead: Messaged a friend. Cried.

Anonymous · day 32

I miss you. I want to message you and tell you, but I can't bear that distant business like tone you used last time we spoke. I want to go out and sleep with some random guy just to feel a bit wanted and chosen again

Instead: Made plans with friends. Read my book. Went to bed early.

R · day 210

How come life never brings us together when I know with every atom in my body that you always love me as much as I love you. 20 years already. I love you. Never the right time. Can we just grow the fuck up

Instead: Went on to live and try and love my life untill the right time comes

Anonymous · day 7300

The lyrics to this song explain it better than I can: ---------- Yelling at the sky Screaming at the world Baby, why'd you go away? I'm still your girl Holding on too tight Head up in the clouds Heaven only knows where you are now How do I love, how do I love again? How do I trust, how do I trust again? I stay up all night, tell myself I'm alright Baby, you're just harder to see than most I put the record on, wait 'til I hear our song Every night, I'm dancing with your ghost Every night, I'm dancing with your ghost Never got the chance To say a last goodbye I gotta move on But it hurts to try ----------- I hope my heart forgets you soon, because my head is irritated with it for still missing whatever it's clinging onto of you. All I wanted was for you to love me. Nobody else, just you.

Instead: Listened to lots of music

Anonymous

I believed you when you told me that loyalty was important to you and that you would never make me look stupid. I ignored my gut feeling the last 2 months so so many times, only to find out now that it was right the entire time. Do you understand how painful that is? Do you know how hard it is to not respond to your texts telling me that you miss me? All the texts of you attempting to convince me that you aren’t the monster I know you to be now? It would be so much easier to take you back and be willfully ignorant of all the deception. My heart hurts so bad & nothing I could say to you would make you understand what you’ve done. I really thought that you were the one. You were my best friend. How did this even happen?

Instead: Chose to love myself more

Bri · day 8

The blazing maple we planted for your grandmother is over 20 feet this year. Dorothy is beautiful. I used your screwdriver set to drain the pool, I still see your sunshine on the daylight savings time light near the sink. It makes me remember the very best parts of you. I know you don’t want to be here but maybe in a quiet movement you don’t hate me. Maybe you remember something I did right; maybe I gave you a sunshine on your clock. I’ll miss you until the day I leave this earth and beyond. I know it can’t work. When the cops got involved it ended any chances. I do think you had the affair and if I had the chance, I’d forgive it. You needed something you weren’t getting. I did too but I’d cheated in other relationships and knew it wouldn’t fix ours. You didn’t. I don’t hold anyone accountable to what only time can teach. I still have love for you. Pet Leia for me ok? I’m with you both in spirit and wish you could both be with me.

Instead: I closed the pool. I put away the pool chairs and I celebrated that I once was fortunate enough to carry your beautiful heart.

CN · day 500

You being out of my life brings me more peace of mind than when you were in it. I think that says it all. I dont long for you anymore. I still fancy you physically and miss the sex, but I felt empty afterwards, because you never showed up emotionally. And honestly, you weren't the best I've ever had - I think the trauma bond just ramped it up. I'd rather be intimate with a man who gives a shit, is loyal, genuine, gentle, and cares about my experience too. I'll never give myself to anyone else without being sure of the person that they are. And realistically, they'll show that by sticking around until I'm ready - not by being a selfish creep like you. I'm nowhere near ready to be open to any other man at the moment, but I hope one day to be able to feel real love, and enjoy it, without feeling like I have to apologise for being who I am. I never want to have to worry if I'm good enough ever again. Or feel like I'm jumping through hoops for time and affection to be directed my way. When I think of how you treated me, I realise how twisted you are. But I won't become like you. I won't let the fact that I have a big heart and a massive capacity to love and care be seen as a bad thing ever again. I've no idea what you have where your heart should be. A block of fucking concrete maybe. I went through a period of feeling sad that you're so hollow and emotionally bankrupt. But now I see that you see those things as your superpowers, you sick fuck. You don't even deserve pity.

Instead: Down the beach, watching the waves.

Anonymous

I had sex with someone new last night, and it made me miss you. The big ones hurt.

Instead: Pelvic floor exercises

Anonymous

Hi, Me again. By still thinking about you I am still in relationship with you. even if you are invisible. Until I can not be thinking about you, untill you begin to fade, then the great iniquity is that as its you who broke us, and broke your promises and ran away, llike a pouty princcess instead of being a man or a king, is that I didnt choose to have part of me eroded, destroyed, stolen. I ddnt choose to have a space filed with you shadow and appaling lies and bad behaviour. I chose to have less stress and more disco. You lied . you coward. You are fixing your real estate, not the reality of people. painting your garare roof instead of coming on that date, and not calling me and turning off your phone. is the great criem of ommission and your only pivotal point of justification. Its pretty weak isnt it. I dont know who will want to buy the empitness of what you call your house. Its not a home is it..

Instead: still in bed. I have to go so slow these days.

Annie s · day 1

You said everything was my fault and maybe it was my fault for believing all those promises you made at the start that are now long forgotten. I miss who you were at the start, the you that wanted to go to new places with me, to eat out somewhere new, that wrote me poems and initiated hugs, that would say good morning beautiful, that wanted to know how my day had been, asked what I thought and cared how I felt. I especially miss the caring how I felt. Was that version of you ever real or was it all pretending? I feel like you stole so many years of my life, but worst of all I feel like you stole my laughter, my ability to really laugh. That's the most difficult bit to deal with.

Instead: Went to get therapy.

Anonymous

I hope you realize how much you’ve hurt and disrespected me. I gave you the best of me and yet you treated me as a convenient placeholder. Somebody to keep while it’s easy and get rid of when it starts getting hard. I take ownership of my faults and actions, and i hope someday you find the courage to face everything that you’ve been trying to run from.

Instead: Went for a walk

Anonymous · day 120

You used me as a practice run, to try everything out on, without giving me the experience of having a real partner in return. And why? So you could get yourself confident enough to go after her. Well some news for you - you'll never know how much ego boosting, faking and over compensation I had to perform to keep you happy and boost your fragile ego. You absolutely sucked the soul out of me. So don't count on yourself being the ultimate man. I can assure you, you're not. You've put on such a public show with her that you're going to need to need to cling on for grim death to the persona you've spun, just to save face. How you guna cope when the thrill of the chase subsides and the daily grind kicks in? You'll be exhausted trying to maintain the facade. I hope you're already bone tired. And the public scrutiny? That'll be a chefs kiss moment of your own making. Hopefully life will conjure up enough nonsense to pay you back for the destruction you've caused others. Because it isn't just me you've damaged. I'm the biggest collateral damage. But you use and abuse and play Mr hard done by. Know what I don't miss? Having to put up with your constant victim drama. Honestly being around you is like existing in a soap opera. You're like a toddler. And I suppose that is the crux of it with you. You won't deal with your Mummy wounds so you'll just make everyone else suffer for as long as you live. You punished me for loving you. And when you realise nobody else treats you as well as I did, don't try anything, because you're not welcome in my life, and never will be. I need to be left alone to heal and move forward. And my life from here has zero tolerance for bullshit, let alone your toxicity. I'd love to say I wish you well, but I don't.

Instead: Going to go out for a walk later. Trying new places. For ME!

Anonymous

I miss you. You haunt my house. I can’t look anywhere without seeing something that reminds me of you. I wish you didn’t leave and I wish you didn’t block me. I wish we could talk. I wish you had included me in this decision and let us work together through whatever was going on for you. I hate you for making me believe you were all in, invested and were going to be my person. And I hate myself for being silly enough to believe you and let my walls down. Fuck you. But also, I love you. Please come back.

Anonymous · day 73

I haven’t replied intentionally and I feel bad about it but I love you and I feel crazy for it. I miss you soooooooo much and you will never know.

Anonymous

I like you. Or I want to like you. We're just getting to know one another. But I'm not really sensing the interest, the curiosity. You didn't text back. I can't be the one doing most of the reaching out. The last relationship. Well, no. Let me not go there. I choose unavailable people. Neglectful people. I don't want to be neglected anymore, again. Not texting back feels like the start of neglect. That's worse than lonely. I was excited to think someone could find me potentially loveable and special. "Potentially" because it was so new. And we're too grown for me to explain to you that you have to text back to show your interest. My heart is aching and I'm waist-deep in disappointment. I just wish it was different.

Instead: I sent it here instead.

Bee · day 3

I dont have anything left to say to you because I know its pointless. You never cared. So why would I consider being a friend when you couldn't even show up as a partner.

Instead: I started to journal and didn't stop on a 50 minute flight. My healing has begun.

Kate · day 180

Did you notice you didn't even apologise to my face yesterday?! Just sat there defending yourself, probably with more lies. My head aches and I hate the way i feel all the time, I have a constant lump in my throat, yet I still don't hate you. How can i love someone who makes me question everything you say.

Instead: Washed the dishes and tried to distract my thoughts

Anonymous

Why tell me you loved and wanted me, you wanted me to "make this happen" all along you're friend requesting random women and maintaining a connection with someone else you randomly met, while I notice you pulling away yet you tell me to "stop overthinking" Never again.

Instead: Cried

Anonymous

Why did you use me for so long and make me believe we were building something real, only ti discover you had other options.

Instead: Put my phone down and do something else

Anonymous

Tonight I went on my 1st date since our breakup. Well, actually that was YOUR breakup w/o my consent, but that's a different conversation. I even picked the restaurant we frequented, which may or may not have been stupid. I had an OK time. He was very kind and attentive. But you know what? He wasn't you.

Instead: Sat on the patio and had a good cry. Begged the Universe for change.

Anonymous · day 120

No one is as desperate for attention like you are When will you ever grow the fuck up you spineless flaccid dick?

Instead: laughed at a bunch of dweebs who can never take accountability

Anonymous

Stop fricking texting me from random phone numbers. I know it’s you because you spell and punctuate correctly. Honestly, it’s the only decent thing about you. I am not going to reply so pack it in. Turning up on my doorstep was annoying. Yes, I answered the door, I was expecting someone and thought I was answering the door to someone I like. I should have looked through the window first. I will in future, then I will put headphones on so I can’t hear you knocking. (For anyone reading I said ‘I am on the phone’ and shut, then locked the door in his face, and carried on with the call). You had 9 years. 9 whole years of not making me any sort of a priority, denying my existence to other people, even your workmate when you bumped into him in Morrisons. ‘Oh it’s just a woman I know’. You, chap, are an idiot. I hope you and your bloody single scull will be deliriously happy together. Boats can’t cook or tidy. Bit like you really.

Instead: Practiced dancing and learned a (new to me 64 count) dance, prancing about in my kitchen and had a blast.

Florence · day 43

I've decided the only way I can have a proper crack at moving on from you, is to think of you like you've died. I always warned you if you pushed me too far, one day I'd cut you off dead - and here we are. You may have ghosted me, but if you ever try to get in touch in the future when your shiny new shitshow collapses, you'll be shocked when I don't ever respond. Right now I don't even miss you. How can I? I've accepted that I need to be honest with myself about what you are - an abuser. Psychological cruelty and manipulation, coercive and financial control, all used to isolate, intimidate and bully me. I'm ashamed to admit to myself that I was abused. But I was, and there's no denying it anymore. And you? You'll never have some big catastrophic downfall - but hey, one can hope, eh? I'd never be witness to it, but I hope one day you realise what you did to me, and what you lost. But hopefully I'll be too busy living my best life by then, and a thought of you won't evoke any feeling whatsoever. Fuck you. Honestly, FUCK YOU.

Instead: Watched The Traitors...how apt

Anonymous

Today was supposed to be our 8th year anniversary. Happy Anniversary. I hope you are happy.

Instead: Cried. Continued with work.

Anonymous · day 21

Were you happy that you hurt me? Were you happy that you pushed me to the point of breaking? Do you even regret that we ended this way? Were you relieved that I finally said that this is enough? Were you relieved that I finally chose myself?

Instead: Smoked a cig.

Anonymous · day 20

finding it really difficult. I dont know how to carry on. split. lonely, feeling sick. will it ever get better. I keep having to restart.

Instead: going really slow. unable to really do anything

annies · day 3

My brain is being cruel and joining more and more dots and I realise you were betraying me longer than I thought. Well, I knew didn't I - I just couldn't face it with everything else going on, and I'd asked you, and I knew my anxiety rose around you because my body was warning me wemmyiy weren't safe for me. You didn't just "kick me when I was down", you stamped and danced all over me with your back stabbing behaviour. I don't have the energy for anger. I'm just exhausted and broken. And I don't know where to start. I feel like I'm crawling out of the wreckage of a car crash

Instead: Insomnia. It's grim

Anonymous

Part of me hopes you'll get in touch one day, just so I can ignore you. I don't care if it's petty. It's time you realised I'm gone from your life, for good. I fucking hate you, and I hope every ounce of love I had for you will leave me soon enough. I don't want to carry you in my heart like a dead weight any longer. I just want to live my life gently, and in peace.

Instead: Had a cry. I'm so tired of his shit.

Anonymous

You deleted me from WhatsApp...was it to make you feel better about how everything played out after you ended things with me. You were the one that faked a lovely future..made plans and then went back to your, in your words..challenging ex partner! You were afraid..because I gave you calm, peace and kindness..you said you'd not been shown that before..just drama. After it ended you didn't tell me I had to find out because I knew in my gut it was her! You barely apologised and last week I asked for my beloved cake tins back..it seems so ridiculous but they were gifted to me by my best friend! You said I'm with someone else now so can't meet as it wouldn't be right..like suddenly you've taken the moral high ground. I gently said..keep them and I truly hope she is making you happy..ypu said you realised you hadn't stopped loving her..which made our months together feel they didn't matter at all...I know that you crave drama and inconsistent...you always asked me do I ever get angry about anything..but I know now I couldn't give you what you craved..because I want calm, peace and authentic love. I annoyed that you deleted my number first..but my close friend said you did me a favour..and she was right..because in the end I won't fight for someone to choose me. I wish you every happiness but also that you find some peace in your new yet old connection taht probably feels safe for you.

Instead: I messaged my close friend..and then listened to some EDMR music with my legs up the wall..its a somatic thing!😅

Mez · day 7

Guess what? I have a date Thursday! That makes me "safe" for you, but you're not safe for me. You're the real loser here, you lost ME. I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you heal.

Instead: Chuckled to myself and kept on going. It's not my style to do something like this.

Anonymous · day 92

about to send an explanation of ptsd, (which I have) which you trigger when you don't respond to me, ie ghost me. Then you blame me for a very real physical response. Then you broke up with me. You believe it is not real and that i'm over reacting. However i think this is an excuse. You are avoidant and bored, so it is an excuse you give yourself so you are always in the right. But if I were obviously disabled, would you abuse that ? we are living in a world where poeple, like you, simply expect to be catered to in an unrealsitic entirety that includes your whims, and sadistic, lazy tendencies. you have been filled up with my love and joy, and now, like some uber priviledged kid, you are behaving spoiled. You are emotionally obese, having gorged on my love. and now, like a bulimic, you are vomiting it out , and down the toilet you flush me.

Instead: im very comfortable in bed, quite proud of my eloquence and considering becoming a very successful novellist . lol

annie s · day 2

I feel so sad, I gave you almost 30 years of my life, I now understand you didn’t ever really love me, I cannot believe I stayed in our marriage so long, put up with the violence and the abuse, you nearly destroyed me but I now see you for the pathetic, horrible little man you are. You gave me 3 beautiful children, for that I will be forever thankful but we deserve so much better than you!

Instead: Went to the gym and sweated out the rage and tears and hurt he caused.

Anonymous · day 91

You wanted 'less'. There you go.

Instead: Studying.

Anonymous · day 2

Austin, I want to talk to you so bad. But you're dead. I would text you, but I don't know who has your number now. I love you and miss you and I don't know how to do this without you.

Instead: So I'm going back to work.

Natalie · day 482

Remember on Sunday mornings you would "take me to church"? God, I miss that. I miss a million things. I miss you. So very much.

Instead: Went outside. Read my book. Took a nap.

Anonymous · day 120

Since we no longer see each other at events, this has become an online-only thing. It’s been fun; I’ve loved our chats. We’ve shared a lot - sometimes very personal and intimate things. But I don’t want to feel like an app on someone’s phone. I need a real world connection. And you’ve never suggested we meet up; I can’t bring myself to ask you. Having you say no would crush me. You’ve told me you drunkenly signed up to a dating site (though you came off again). We connect in so many ways. We could be amazing together. But you’ve looked for other women when I’m right here. You’ve been quiet and I’ve mirrored your silence. It’s torture. But I’m choosing my pain. I can’t be here with you dipping in and out, just waiting until you tell me you’ve met someone.

Instead: Drank too much. Cried.

Anonymous · day 28

You promised you’d always look after my heart. You said I would never see you running. You said you wanted me to always be able to tell you how I’m feeling. You said we were forever. Then you went silent on me for a week after accusing me of being selfish on a call. I wasn’t. You left me sitting in silence, unfriended me on Facebook and went off to play golf with your friends. You never took any accountability for how you treated me, instead it was all my fault. You mocked me and disguised it as jokes. Then you discarded me at the exact moment you realised you didn’t need me anymore. You did it on your terms and never gave me closure. Well I can see through it all now and I pity you. Thank you for making me stronger.

Anonymous · day 11

Tomorrow it’ll be 4 weeks since I’ve heard from you. You’ve come back before - after two weeks; three; four. I’ve no idea if you will this time. Our last messages were fun and jokey. I don’t know why you’ve disappeared. Maybe you’re thinking I have, as I’ve not messaged you either. There have been so many things I’ve wanted to share in those weeks - just silly observations; bits of everyday life. But I can’t keep being the one to keep this - whatever it is / was - going. So I decided to step back. Wait to see if you reached out. ‘If he wanted you in his life, you’d know’. But it’s agony. There’s no peace in the silence. I want to tell you I miss you. Or I want to say why I can’t keep this going. At least that would feel like an ending rather than being in limbo.

Instead: Drank some wine. Watched TV. Cried

Anonymous · day 28

I can't stop crying tonight. I can't believe you did this to me, to us, and to yourself. We had everything going for us, and you threw it all away because being a coward is easier for you than being a good man. I'll wonder for the rest of my days what was real and what was lies. It's horrible not knowing what to believe, and questioning every single memory. After everything we went through, I was certain we'd made it and was excited for our future together. And I know now you used me to "monkey branch" to her. Did I mean anything to you? Wasn't all I did proof of my commitment and love? Or was I simply a buffer all these years to make your life comfortable until you were ready to make a bid for her? Because that's how it looks. And I can't put into words how it feels. Why let me think we had a chance if all you intended to do was abandon me? What did I do to deserve being treated like a piece of rubbish you've just tossed aside?

Instead: Cried my heart out again.

Anonymous

Why the hell did you give me a total every night for the tea? It wasn’t funny egg chips beans 5/10 mousaka 8/10 shepherds pie 9/10 the night before I left you it was egg chips and beans 5/10 you were upset that’s all I made you ( I’ve no idea why you weren’t wearing it !!) went into our Bedroom packed a case we lived in Greece .The next morning you drive me to the bus station in lefkas from there it was an 8 hour journey to Athens .

Instead: I left him got to Athens then Luton then Glasgow

Carol · day 4

I want to know if you had bought that single concert ticket to meet up with someone else at the concert, and then take her back to the hotel you mysteriously knew how much it cost.

Instead: I am sitting with these feelings, and wondering what would be gained by asking this. It would put me back into my old patterns of feeling the anxiousness, the hyper awareness, anger, and then looking to him to make me feel better, even though he would then just lie to me (again)

Anonymous · day 330

We were never meant to be together - If we were, our paths would have crossed many years ago. But, in you, I see a piece of me that I have lost many years ago. Without knowing, you helped me find myself again. I laugh easier. I make jokes. I carry myself better. I might even feel pretty… And let’s throw confident in the mix too!! But… maybe there was a little hole in my heart. A hole that has the shape of you… or maybe it was a hole the shape of me? How I wish I could be who I am now, and you who you are now - and meet up 15 years ago. I know there is no future for us. But I would really enjoy one night of dancing, twirling around and looking into your beautiful blue eyes. To just be young, with this wisdom we carry now. To know we have one night to say everything we cannot say, to make all the jokes we cannot make. To hold you long enough so that I will never forget, to you I am special. And to me you are too. How shitty is it, to meet someone when you are settled in marriage and life. And to know - wow, we could have been awesome together. When it highlights the hopes you buried long ago, about what you need in partnership, marriage and life. And how absolutely shitty it is, to recognise it… and to decide to walk away. I see the recognition in your eyes, because I know it reflects in mine as well. I see how you hold back from not accidentally touching me - because I do it too. Because when we accidentally touched l the world stopped for a few seconds… and we both knew this is a line we can not cross… But I just wanted to say: I see you. My heart has known you forever. But I do hope that the little place you accidentally took in my heart will become my own again…

Anonymous

34 years together and you never even told me you were unhappy. Now you can't even talk to me or look at me because you feel guilty. Somehow you are the victim? You destroyed me, you took the life we built from me, you redefined the definition of family without consulting me or our kids. Why does my chest still ache and the tears keep flowing? I don't even know this version of you. How sad.

Instead: Reminded myself that I deserve better, and that I am strong enough to survive this and that one day the tears will dry up.

Anonymous · day 429

I miss calling you every morning on my way to work. Miss calling you everyday on my way home from work. I miss your calls in the middle of my classes. I miss everything about us. It's your birthday tomorrow, And we should be celebrating it together.

Instead: Cried, drove to work in silence

Becky · day 28

"There's nothing that kills us more than what roams in our own minds" I want YOU out of my mind, and off that pedestal. I wish I'd never met you. If I could live my life again, I'd run a million miles from you.

Instead: Working whilst not concentrating very well

Anonymous

I know you're avoidant, fucked up and more than likely, a narcissist. But the fact you've run into a marriage so soon, doesn't surprise me sadly, but has blown my mind. To crash headlong into the ultimate commitment just keeps me oscillating between 2 scenarios: You've married her because she IS your everything, your perfect partner, everything I couldn't be in a relationship you wouldn't turn up for, OR you're running wild and hiding in this new situation where she hasn't a clue what you really are. Realistically, I'd say it's the latter, but my horrible brain is saying it's everything else - that you'd planned for ages in plain sight, that she's the ultimate upgrade and I'm even worse than my brain already tells me. Why can't our brains be rational, and kind? I know you're a self serving, childish, spineless prick, but it's turning everything onto me, and it's incredibly upsetting. And i wonder will your spectacular rebound work out? God i hope not. I hope it blows up in your face and is horrendous. And if it makes me a bad person for wishing hell is unleashed on you, then fine, I'm a bad person. I wonder whether your rushed marriage will last long enough for her to get to the UK? You don't think bringing someone across a fucking ocean to set up life together is a bit mental???? How will you keep up your prince charming act into day to day life? Have you given her just enough sob story narrative for her to think you're the misunderstood warrior who just needs the right woman? And that woman, conveniently, is her? You make me fucking sick. You told her you were single. And me? I never existed. Knowing you, it'll all work out brilliantly because you always fall on your feet. But I hope it swiftly becomes hell on earth for you. I really do. Do men like you ever pay? Please god tell md they do 💔

Instead: Gardening

Anonymous

A big part of who I am Is who I am not anymore I do not abandon myself for someone else any more.

Instead: Researched and wrote a paper for Uni

Anonymous · day 7

I miss the little things most. Our godson lost his grandmother. I needed you there to help him. Not for me but because we both took that oath. He hugged me in the way only Jakey does, and I remembered how he hugged you first and longer. I miss the dog. Someone on a forum said to me years ago you can’t lose something twice. They’re right but it doesn’t mean you don’t mourn the loss when you wake and remember someone is gone. I miss the normal parts of the day. I miss your notes. The sun you drew on the clock radio is still there. Actually a whole therapy session to deal with it. Counselor almost made me toss the clock as I couldn’t move past it. I can’t. I just pray that I’m stronger and these things stop hurting. I’ve prayed every night for you. Every. Damn. Night. You toyed with the fibers that hold me steady, it’s so unimaginable to go from where we listened to Safetysuit and drank by the beach and Neil and Pam’s. Bella loved you so. I do too. Young me will always miss young you. In the past year I realize you did have the affair. You denied it but it was too damning of details to a friend. You cut off all of us. Not just me but the hundreds of people you ran from. If I was the problem, how did they become collateral damage? You cut off your hair, you moved and you changed everything. It’s a carbon copy of what you did before. Only there was no affair. You justify it because I didn’t have the tools when we first met to be flexible. I changed tremendously in the 15 years. Everyone saw that but you. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you needed. I’ll always want the best for you. I’ll miss drawing dragonflies on notes for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I just want to hear your voice again. But if it was the voice of the past I’d fall right back in love. If it wad the anger voice of a year ago, I’d be crushed to hear you still so angry at the world. Either way it doesn’t bring the closure I so long for. I’m dating again. I waited a full year. It’s strange but I’m finding people value me for me. They take what I say at face value and don’t ascribe negative intent. It’s refreshing. As I’ve written so many times to you but never sent; I know it can’t be fixed. I don’t pray for that. I pray to grow strong enough that it doesn’t hurt the same forever. I know I can, but it means letting go of the last threads. I never had a goodbye from you. I sent as graceful a way as I could to you. Maybe it hurt too much for you to say it. Maybe you were too mad. Either way I won’t ever know. May you find peace and happiness. There’s no more angry words to say. I just send love to a scared little soul that I will love until the sun fades from the sky.

Instead: I moved lateral; I moved in circles. I looked for answers in the bottom of a bottle. All it wrote were more hurtful stories. I don’t have an answer yet but I’m seeing a light ahead. It’s been a long time coming

C · day 500

I saw you tonight, with the woman you've been double dating me with. SHE even came to my show, drank my wine, whined about you and allowed me to befriend her as someone who you had abused.. and there you were with her.. both of you can rot in hell as far as Im concerned.. This is the biggest test. I want to call you, I want to go round to your house and scream at you .. im so angry

Instead: lying in bed. took a valium then a woman from the show called me to say thank you and I had restored her faith in human nature and to thank me for putting on the show.. and she gave me a print and they are beautiful . Thank you god.... I had said a prayer. miracles do happen

Annie s · day 13

The last few times I told you I loved you, you just replied with "I know". TWAT.

Instead: Wondered if I'll ever tell anyone else I love them un my lifetime.

Anonymous

So when I asked, “Where’s your head at?” I wasn’t asking you for a grand declaration or demands I was trying to understand something that felt confusing because what was happening between us felt like we were in a real relationship. You gave me a definitive answer. And perhaps that was something I needed, even though it hurt. You won’t tell me what it was to you. But what I still can’t quite get is how we went from all that closeness over the summer to this. I haven’t seen you once in 27 days since your birthday. I feel lost hurt and occasionally angry . At myself for giving all I gave and at you for letting me think you were trying and not being clear it meant nothing ! Not anything more than friendship. I lost hope and self respect . I lost somebody I believed I could call when everything was going wrong. I lost the person I wanted beside me when life got hard, not just when life was easy. I lost somebody I wanted to connect with even when you needed space. I tried to learn that your need for space wasn’t always rejection. I tried to understand your silences and your pulling away instead of immediately making them about me. I lost questions that never really got answered. I lost stability, or perhaps the hope of stability. I became frightened of needing anything from you. I began to feel that my need for clarity was pressure. That attempts to communicate were criticism. That uncomfortable conversations were something dangerous rather than something two people could use to understand one another better. I tried to understand what you needed. I tried to learn when to give you space. I tried to be patient. I tried to see past your defences. I tried to understand your fears with compassion. I saw your challenges and tried to work with them. But it seems you weren’t trying too. Maybe sometimes I tried too hard and for too long. But I wasn’t trying to change you into somebody else. I was trying to find a way for us to work. When things were difficult for you, I worried. I thought about you when you weren’t there. I valued the little things. I wanted to make life easier for you. When life got tough, I wanted to show up for you not only when things were easy. I feel sad cos I thought you were trying to understand me too. You were a bit kinder. You were communicating more and more affectionate. You were involving me more. I mistook that as you trying too. I feel so embarrassed and foolish now. I thought you were trying to make it better too. What I needed wasn’t perfection. It wasn’t for you to become somebody completely different. It was to feel that I mattered and That we could learn how to listen to each other about what we need to feel happy together. I wanted temporary difficult conversations to lead to mutual learning rather than distance. This is the only crime i committed. Was I that hard to care about . Maybe I held on too long. But I was willing to look at myself. I was willing to learn. I was willing to repair. I was willing to stay when things weren’t easy. I’m trying to understand how something that felt so close only weeks ago can suddenly feel so far away. Just because I was happy and hopeful. and checked in. Thank goodness I did as I’d still be wasting my life on something you don’t even want. I know you don’t owe me the answer I want. And I know eventually I may have to accept that some answers aren’t going to come. But right now, I still feel sad,embarrassed as u hate my messages and I’m just longing for u to understand I’m hurting badly and miss you and what I believed I was to you. And perhaps eventually I won’t need you to tell me what all of it meant. But I’m not quite there yet. I’m trying to find my feet again. That’s where I am. One day at a time. Today felt so lonely. I have friends , hobbies and I’m ok on my own but today I. And I had to go out so I went to fast food place. An old man came up to me and said you look sad dear and I filled up with tears I was watching couples and families and thinking Id felt part of yours . Everyone had looked like they belonged. I felt alone and like I don’t properly belong . That I don’t really matter. I feel you no longer want me to belong . I just felt we were perfect for each other once and that we would make a good go of making it work. I wonder if one day you’ll at least realise you lost someone that really loved you and really tried hard and you’ll see that I spent years of my life not giving up on you. That may have been a pain in the ass for you but I’m not sure you’ve meant as much to somebody before and I hope that’s at least something you can cherish even if it wasn’t reciprocated xx

Instead: Did some Ironing

G

How are you? Give me a call sometime if you want for coffee catch up! Just walking dogs then home this evening and morrow

Instead: Carried on with the next day and sitting in the pain. Carrying on with AA pack and re-starting no contact pack

Ann

There was a thing online saying how "nice guys" are some of the most unsafe men to get involved with, because they're frauds who create facade to hook you, then it all collapses once you're involved and have probably fallen for them. And then they break you In this moment, I realise the disrespect from you was so bad, it ruins every memory I have of you, and us. And I hope I can hold the line on that. I've no idea where my life goes from here. I'm still absolutely devastated, but there's no going back. So I'm starting from nothing, because you left me with nothing. And when you don't recognise yourself, or even know what you want anymore, it's a extremely daunting, and I feel very unsettled and insecure. I should be excited that I'm a blank canvas, and a free agent. But I feel scared all the time. Where do I want to be, what do I want to do? Who am I now? What am I capable of? Will I survive on my own. I hate my job. And I'm desperate to leave but again having zero confidence doesn't help make you feel worthy. I just want things to start feeling easier, because up to know it's been like trudging through cement whilst know you've trotted off into the sunset. I'll never speak to you again as long as I live. And whether it bothers you or not, I will honour myself by sticking to that, no matter what. You're a nasty twisted screwed up bastard.

Instead: Went to the shops

Anonymous

Oh my GOD you're so fucking dense. YOU EMOTIONALLY ABUSED AND GASLIT ME THE ENTIRE TIME I LIVED WITH YOU. I KNEW EXACTLY what was going to happen if I stayed so now you don't get a second chance anymore. I'm glad I see things clearly now you psychotic asshole. I'd never trust you again with what you're doing right now.

Anonymous

We always said we would stay friends because of our love of hiking...then you suddenly blocked me for no reason!?

Instead: I'm now out hiking with great friends who treat me with respect being that we have so much more 'hiking honestly'!?..... Oh well your loss!⛰️

Deb B · day 365

The saddest thing about our relationship, looking back, is not that it ended. The saddest thing is how long it took me to understand that love alone cannot sustain a relationship when trust, respect, and reliability are missing. I truly loved you. And because I did, I stayed longer, hoped longer, and excused more than was ever healthy for me. Today, I no longer feel any longing for what we had. I only feel clarity. You were four years of my life. You will not be the rest of my life.

Instead: sit in it and thinking that i am glad its over…

Anonymous · day 205

Is this just a bit of fun? What do you feel for me? Am I kidding myself that this means as much to you as it does to me? I’m not after promises of forever but I need to matter… I can’t do that again.

Instead: Journaled here…

Anonymous · day 204

I cannot stop thinking about you. I feel like this is such an incredible waste and I’m finding it so hard to understand. I just want to be with you. I just want to be back in your arms, making plans and holding each other in the way only we could. I don’t understand how you can’t be ready for something that was so easy and wonderful. I miss you every second of every day and the only thing keeping me strong throughout this period is the hope that my silence will bring you back to me once you have sorted your life out. My heart is broken.

L · day 4

Your moral compass isn't just broken - it never existed. Layering lies, upon performances, upon avoidance, upon excuses, upon guilt trips, upon cowardice, upon rage, upon ego trips, upon more lies will always leave you empty, and on very uneven ground. You can change your appearance, your post code and your audience, but you'll never change who you are inside - always gnawing away at you, loudly taunting you during quiet moments. You're so deluded, and spend every second suppressing reality. But your body will keep the score, and you won't be able to keep a lid on it forever, and then the real you will start spilling out. Deary me, I predict a riot....

Instead: Smiled, knowing you're currently orchestrating your own demise...

Anonymous

today it seems like all the other days Ive got through were pretend, an act. Ive done the thing, Ive been brave, put myself out there, done the thing id believed we'd do together. I cried, I got hugs, I got told it is always the other persons problem. yesterday I felt I not only didn't want to be here, but couldn't, but of course its because I don't want this pain. but Ive got it. I have to trust i will get better. the thing Harry says about if you invest your happiness and emotional security in someone else, then expect to be made homeless, thats how I feel. I don't have myself any more. I don't think being alone is the right thing. BUT when I remember what you did to me, the breadcrumbs , the feeling you were about to dump me,, and that I didnt feel loved, that I was taken increasingly for granted, that you'd be annoyed if i showed it then it would feel worse. That was just the same as not being together now, its just that now its official. Im not pretending you love and want me. Im doing the brave thing of going through the pain. What encourages me is the idea that you didnt get the last drop of me. That you are a vampire, but you didn't infect me beyond redemption. That i did get away. Although sometimes it feels like I didn't. I shall, I must endure. If I can feel so bad, then on a scale, I can feel great again. It doesn't help that I am , we are old. It doesn't help that I trusted that we'd be there for each other. I dotn think I will ever find anyone again, I simply dont have the energy, I dont feel attractive, I feel drained. what would I have to give? who would want me. you have made me feel worthless. I have to keep going. Ive seen photos of myself and I look old and drained , and my eyes are full of sadness. You sucked me dry didnt you. You were like a lizard, with an ability to be entirely cold. You can keep this up for ever, until another women gets dragged in to be lovebombed then drained too.

Instead: got up to have a bath and get on.

annie s · day 13

Do you ever think of me, or miss me? Does guilt ever creep in? Do you ever allow yourself to acknowledge what you've done to me? Don't you wonder if I'm ok? You know full well I'm not. You know I'm lost without you. Did you ever love me? Or did you just love the fact that loved you? I miss your touch, and your smell. I miss how we were. But its all tainted by the betrayal of you stabbing me in the back. I'm so lonely without you. But I'll never contact you again. And I'll ignore you if you contact me. It is the only way. Part of me hopes you do get in touch, just so you'll know by my lack of response that you've finally lost me. I honestly think you're out there living your life thinking I'm tucked away as your back up plan. Not this time sunshine. As soon as I can, I'll be moving, changing my vehicle and doing whatever I can to ensure I'm making a fresh start, for me. I don't want you knowing where I live. You have no right to know. I'm forcing myself forward because you're toxic, and no matter how much my heart yearns for you, my head knows you've broken everything between us. You knew what you'd done, and you had a choice - make amends and work on yourself and us, or let your demons win. And you chose the path of least resistance. God I thought you were better than that. But you chose to sink rather than swim. And seeing that happen has broken my heart into a million pieces. I don't know how I'll get over you. Right now it's feels like second by second. But I've no choice. Part of me will always love you so deeply. And the rest of me needs to protect myself from that. You'll always be my hardest lesson.

Instead: Did some breathing exercises to try and stop the anxiety induced nausea.

Anonymous