The apologies people never sent

That time you turned up at my house and you looked so angry and cross. Was that my fault? Was that the beginning of the end? What had happened? Why didnt you talk to me.

Anonymous

You’ve made it crystal clear that you’ve decided we have no future so I hope you can feel happier with that ‘clear direction’ you needed to be less stressed, for your future. Unfortunately it feels to me like I’ve wasted 25 years of my life pouring love and energy into someone who didn’t appreciate it or care at all about what I want. i would have stayed and done the work, but sadly I think I’ve always been the only one doing the work. We both can’t always be caring about you, because who is caring about me?? Saying that you’re 50 now so life needs to be easy and simple is such a cop out because we both know that divorce isn’t easy, obviously. It’s just the hard that you’re choosing. But I guess it’s easier for you when I’m the one managing the kids feelings through it all and I’m the one that has to undergo a huge life change. Yours will stay almost the same. I gave all of myself to you. I sacrificed so much of myself to ensure you were able to do anything you wanted whenever you wanted. Having kids didn’t even impact your life. I ended up absorbing all of it and doing it almost entirely alone and then you blame me saying I should have just asked for help more. You don’t see someone drowning and refuse to help them because you can’t hear them asking for help. You were meant to love me. Spent that mean that even just occasionally you could step outside yourself and see that I needed to be prioritised once in a while too?? When you saw me slowly giving up my career, my friends, my interests, etc because I was too busy raising kids to have time for any of it (even though you travelled several times a year on holidays and picked up several we hobbies and interests), did it not occur to you even once to step in and help so I too could have a life?? Instead you complain that I’m not as fun as I used to be. And then telling me that I need to be pursuing you because that’s just what you need, even though you have rejected me over and over is harsh. Saying I just need more confidence when I ask for compliments or reassurance and telling me that you don’t have the capacity to give it? And yet somehow I am the one to blame for all our issues because I can never get the timing or wording right when I bring up my hurts or concerns to you. It’s all just insanity. At least I’ve learned that I need to have better boundaries and that giving to someone doesn’t mean that they’ll ever give back to you.

Instead: I started a new project.

Anonymous

I did it again, I looked through your WhatsApp via you laptop with the 60 seconds I had before you came downstairs. Something niggled me. I know I shouldn't have done it and I promised I wouldn't do it again but there it is. Again from you. Messages to escorts with you wanting to meet them. You promised you never met the ones in the past and I'm not sure if you did or not. I don't know if you planned to meet these ones. I don't have time to check. I want to check again, all the time. To control it, to block and delete them. I need you, I love you and I can't leave because of you provide me with money I can never make myself. We have been together 2 years and you promised I was the one. I know you met me the same way you are betraying me now. I was one of those escorts when you met me. I wish we had never met.

Instead: Cried a lot and felt sick all evening. Don't know what to do next.

MM

Im so done. Im so exhausted , im so anxious and depressed. Ive just signed on for betterhelp some online counselling service. Its not just you, although why were you so cruel ? you knew what i was going through with my son, and you used the same ghosting to destroy me when you were bored or annoyed or fed up with me. You have done this so many times over the 4 years you have been chasing me. Like not turning up when you said you would and making it my fault that I wasnt psychic. Like not picking up the phone, not replying in good time, not making sure im ok, just doing your own things as if I didnt exist, except, when you felt like haivng me around. thats abues isnt it. One of the first times a couple of years ago, you held me in bed. it was so beautiful it became my special place. You knew about the traumas thefamily suffered, you pretended to be kind. But it was a ploy wasnt it? Your way of love bombing to get what you wanted. access to my crowd, my life the places I go to that you wanted to go, the people I know who you wanted to know. What is left now? I am almost always anxious. My nervous system is awful. Im depressed. i know I am. Im pretty hopeless. who would want to be around me? But my dear friend came round and let me cry in front of her. And my other son listened as I said Im in crisis. I have to let epople know who actually do care. Harry, Im trusting this process. its words like so many people have been here and got through. Its like a life line. Just got to get through. day 14. its the furthest ive got and Im going to do it. I really hope I will feel better. will my body ever stabilise again ? Ive got the issue of ghosting and estrangement form my eldest son to deal with too. So Im getting that extra therapy.

Instead: Sitting in the evening. Not sending it. About to contemplate making a list from the beginning of the breadcrumbs and the signs I missed because i didnt want to see them and I wanted to believe in love. Also acknowledging, I really have had a very tough ride. I dont want to just feel the fear and do it anyway any more. i really want to be free and happy at last

Annie 2, day 14

This is so cruel because you know my son estranged himself so you know I’m incredibly vulnerable to ghosting . When I let you back in in April it is because I thought you meant it she you said you’d reply always in good time because you were awful to me if you thought I’d sent you too many messages . I let you back in because you promised you’d reply in good time . Guys time you didn’t and you broke up with me because of the trauma response you know I have because of caring for my Husband . I’m vulnerable when I’m In relationship . You knew this but you not only ghosted but I came round to save our relationship and you literally turned your back on me in bed and refused to cuddle me or hold me and told me to go or sleep in the other room and you wouldn’t say if you were breaking up with me . Because of the dial pain of my son’s ghosting I gave lost all will to live . It’s too much to bear because I’ve only ever loved and supported you and him . Yes I go and do things but a life without reciprocal love from one vulnerable being to another isn’t worth living . Or that’s how it feels at the moment . For me I need only a little respect and to believe I’m Loved wanted and needed . I b don’t agree that this is anxious attachment but that the behaviour of ghosting makes one anxious . It’s unnatural . It feels demonic actually . I’m hanging on in there . But I had an anxiety dream last night about my son so I’ve sent him emails to beg him to desist . I watch the videos about adult child estrangements . I cannot go against my nature .. I cannot stop being the living partner and mother yet this behaviour you both exhibit is cruel . Thanks for this place. Maybe I should have written emails to my son here , but I sent them . 1@ years of his abusive ghosting Is enough . It has to be resolved . None of us know how long we have in life . All abuse like these two men is a ctinn m e against our lives imho . I am very broken

Instead: Sitting waiting for a plane and staying alive

Annies, day 11

You said everything was my fault and maybe it was my fault for believing all those promises you made at the start that are now long forgotten. I miss who you were at the start, the you that wanted to go to new places with me, to eat out somewhere new, that wrote me poems and initiated hugs, that would say good morning beautiful, that wanted to know how my day had been, asked what I thought and cared how I felt. I especially miss the caring how I felt. Was that version of you ever real or was it all pretending? I feel like you stole so many years of my life, but worst of all I feel like you stole my laughter, my ability to really laugh. That's the most difficult bit to deal with.

Instead: Went to get therapy.

Anonymous

Stop fricking texting me from random phone numbers. I know it’s you because you spell and punctuate correctly. Honestly, it’s the only decent thing about you. I am not going to reply so pack it in. Turning up on my doorstep was annoying. Yes, I answered the door, I was expecting someone and thought I was answering the door to someone I like. I should have looked through the window first. I will in future, then I will put headphones on so I can’t hear you knocking. (For anyone reading I said ‘I am on the phone’ and shut, then locked the door in his face, and carried on with the call). You had 9 years. 9 whole years of not making me any sort of a priority, denying my existence to other people, even your workmate when you bumped into him in Morrisons. ‘Oh it’s just a woman I know’. You, chap, are an idiot. I hope you and your bloody single scull will be deliriously happy together. Boats can’t cook or tidy. Bit like you really.

Instead: Practiced dancing and learned a (new to me 64 count) dance, prancing about in my kitchen and had a blast.

Florence, day 43

You promised you’d always look after my heart. You said I would never see you running. You said you wanted me to always be able to tell you how I’m feeling. You said we were forever. Then you went silent on me for a week after accusing me of being selfish on a call. I wasn’t. You left me sitting in silence, unfriended me on Facebook and went off to play golf with your friends. You never took any accountability for how you treated me, instead it was all my fault. You mocked me and disguised it as jokes. Then you discarded me at the exact moment you realised you didn’t need me anymore. You did it on your terms and never gave me closure. Well I can see through it all now and I pity you. Thank you for making me stronger.

Anonymous, day 11

When I told you I loved you after a year of dating, and your response was “yes.” I should have left you, instead of giving you 6 more months of my time.

Instead: Took the dog for a walk

Anonymous, day 10

Here I am four week in and still crying over you. Sometimes I can still feel you or hear you speak in my mind. I know you got your surgery and I am wondering if you are ok. I saw that you had a nice time in turkey and that there was perhaps a wink in there for me. I miss you so much I catch myself saying out laud, this is so difficult, this is too difficult, during the day.I don't know why this could have not been our time. I don't know why you ask me to be your pen pal, I should have known better than to accept. Now all I am left with a faint memory of your voice and way you looked at me. I am not used to not getting what I want. Reviens s'il te plait, reviews, je t'aime deja. Miss B

Instead: Trying to breath.

Miss B

I was sacrificing a freedom I had had buried for years to someone who continued to keep me in the cage and to make that smaller and more difficult. Because I recognised that dynamic. But it is deep in my programming, it is familiar, my subconcious was looking to reiterate it. The place in me that had need met the place in him that gave him power over me. That need is for love, but it was always given conditionally. 'Ill keep you alive as long as you conform to me and my needs and desire" that voice started in childhood. Powerlessness. The father was in control. I had to confrom to him, ie not be me, not have wants that he wouldnt fulfill so i learned to address his deepest needs and fears. That has run the whole of my life. Being an artists and trying to be as financially independant as possible in order to not have to rely on someone else for my roof and food and to be able to pay the bills. Where is love in that ? With YOU it was that you always sought me out. For a while you were a great friend, untill you learned my weak spots and learned how to put me in prison, how to de-acivate my drive. Actually, my Dad would keep wanting to protect me inn return for his control and in order to keep my down ( also de-activation to a point) y late husband did the same and it became intolerable when he was dying of a brain tumour because he came to beleive somehow it was my fault he was in pain. I felt I might even die before he did. I kept going after more than a year of not sleeping and hyper vigilence, ad then when violence crept in I left to protect the kids. The trauma has now taken over their lives. I MUST break this. Ive seen it. Thats the first step. It must be out there as a continual virus. This need for soveriegnty. If only you had been less content with your programming. The controller can become the destroyer, by making the victim conform time after time. This time round Im trying to replace this pattern , well break this pattern. Its going to depend on seeing the best possible world and best possible me. and being it.

Instead: got up to have a bath and grab the bull by the horns.. the bull is doing my life anbd loving it more and more

annie s, day 8

You tried to make me believe it was ALL my fault, that I was this awful person. I tried my best with you every day until I couldn't try any more. The financial abuse and coercion were just too too much and I lost respect for you. I loved you but I had no respect, and that showed in my behaviour. But to learn that you were having an affair, throughout the time my Mum was dying, and you leaving shortly after she passed, on top of everything else, makes me realise that you are the awful one. I'm glad you left, and that she has now left you.

Instead: I deleted the message and got on with my day.

Anonymous, day 845

You lied to me when you proposed a "committed relationship." Lied about both the commitment and the relationship. But, I was the one who kept giving you chances. I was traumatized by caregiving and grief, I was vulnerable and alone. It was just too hard to admit that I was so stupid. So, I let you back again, and again, and again. We tried four times across three years before I was finally done. You knew my life was shattered when you targeted me. Because we had been friends. You were one of the best men I knew. And, you knew me, knew what happened. I thought, since you knew me BEFORE the trauma, you could help me back to the person I was. I would never have guessed that you would leverage our friendship, and your reputation, to lie to get me into bed. But, you knew you would get away with it. I didn't recognize it at first. It was still the pandemic, so it wasn't odd that we didn't go to busy restaurants, but ate picnics by the water. When you'd sneak away from work early to see a Thursday afternoon movie I thought you were making time for me in your busy schedule - not going to an empty theater. Then, there was the movie you walked me out the emergency exit, under the screen, up the dark stairs I could barely see, and I wondered, "Why are we going out this way? This is silly. Are we sneaking out? Are we avoiding being seen???" I didn't say anything- I just filed it away. I think that was the first red flag. No. It wasn't. The first red flag came shortly after we slept together and you, so casually, said, "I don't like 'relationships'" The man who had asked me to be in a "committed relationship" did not like "relationships." I heard it. I didn’t say anything then. You had propositioned someone who was shattered and disconnected. You were expecting that silence. I heard and I saw and I knew, but I had no voice. But, I filed it away. I filed away all of it. Because I saw all of it. The breadcrumbing, the future faking, the pocketing, and lying... when you car wasn't home that night, I set a trap to catch you cheating. I saw, I knew. I caught you. I was strong enough to catch you and break-up with you. But, it tore me apart. You were this great guy. Everyone loved you. An active member of your church, you taught catechism classes and mentored teen boys! And, you were treating me so badly. I did not, yet, understand that this is how toxic men work: the amazing public façade covers the abusive private behavior. I did not, yet, understand that this was NOT my stupidity. I was picked by a predator who knew I'd trust his reputation, and calculated that, in my trauma, I'd tolerate disfunction, toxcity, and abuse. And, I guess to you, it looked like I did tolerate it. After a few months, I accepted your apology and let you back into my life. I didn't feel happy with you. I just couldn't tolerate feeling so stupid. I know that doesn't make sense: if I felt stupid letting you into my life the first time, why would I feel better by doing it again?? Wouldn't it be smarter - stronger - to catch you and be done. Full stop? Because, I wasn't strong - not yet, anyway - so I needed to see more of you to be smart. Yes, I let you back into my life, and I filed away more toxic traits. The boundaries you pushed - but I held anyway. The holidays you skipped out on - so I went with friends and sent photos of me having a great time. All the repairs and renovations to my home I made without you. I was recovering from my trauma - physically and emotionally - and rebuilding my entire life without you. Well, not completely without you, yet. You would orbit in and out of my life- ghosting me after about 6 months. Did you expect that I would chase you? Were you used to anxious women who would beg you to come back? I never chased, and I never begged. I had been shattered, but I was never anxiously attached. And, I was getting stronger without you. So, after four cycles of a "situationship" (or as I coined it a "relationshit") you ghosted me for the last time. Were you hurt when I sent you the text 2 weeks later calling you a distraction that never meant much? Were you insulted that I THANKED YOU for leaving? Because you ghosted me juat days before my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My mom was now dying, and I was relieved you were gone. I was never going to pour my time and energy into someone who didn't reciprocate. So, I would have ended this "thing" my way if you hadn't have ended it your way. I had no fond memories, and feltbno great loss. I told you as much - because that is the way you wanted it. And, YOUR WAY now benefits ME. All that was eight months ago. Mom got sicker and I cared for her - with support from friends I had built in your absences. Mom died and I went to the funeral - with friends who I had gone on holidays you wouldn't spend with me. I am cleaning out her house - with help from people who actually care for me. And, I am decorating her home to make it mine - without having to negotiate anyone elses tastes or preferences. I am not the shattered, grieving widow you preyed upon five years ago. The one who lost her partner in a pandemic, and was piecing her home back together after a natural disaster. The one reeling from all the secondary losses of friendships and financial income. I am healthier now. And much happier without you. So, when I drove past your home the other day, I blocked your number and deleted your contact info. No sadness. No regrets. No emotion at all - but relief. I realize now that I was never stupid - I trusted someone I should have been able to trust. I just needed to stay long enough to leave without a shred of regret. I stayed to see all I needed to see, and to heal as much as I needed to heal. I grew as much as I needed to grow... to walk away from you and never look back. It took me a while, but I know I am not the one who is stupid. I know you better than you know yourself and I have lost nothing- and gained everything - by deleting you from my life. You are the stupid one.

Instead: Got up and lived my life - happier and healthier without him in it.

Anonymous, day 250

I desperately needed you to love me back so I could start a future with you. If only I looked at my actions and understood why you left life would be much easier for me. You started a relationship with me while I was using you to get over my ex. Your actions showed you genuinely cared and focused on yourself while I couldn't let go and deal with my own insecurities. You're worth more than that and I shouldn't have ever been half in for you. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally, supports, and protects you not someone you need to heal from again.

Instead: I went to THERAPY to focus on myself

Anonymous

You were exceptional. You had obvious red flags and behaviour I would've cut off anyone else for. And yet I wanted you in my life. The trust, the emotional maturity, the self-awareness, all that wasn't there. And I never said I love you back, when you said it. We will probably never talk again. But I can finally say it, if only here, I love you. I'm hurt and I'm deeply sad that things didn't work out, and there's some alternative universe where I'm hugging you now and you're kissing me on the top of my head. Doesn't have to be as partners, or as anything else, there was love. I am sorry.

Anonymous

this is the biggest no send. Id go back to day 1 to send this to the bastard... BUT loomk at me, look what I have done what i ddnt desreve... you know how everyone says dont put anything personal on fb? well thats pretending life doesnt happen. re the estrangement epidemic... Im glad my eldest is ok enough to cut me off, but lets remember who i was as a mum, busy keeping them safe from kids thier own age mugging them, from girlfriends putting thier dope stash into their hands when the police came round, going to the police station to get my innocent 15 year old when hed agreed with her to pretend it was his, then renting somewhere when thier dad, with a brain tumour became viiolent and tried to attack me, making us homeless when they were doing thier GCSE's and before (two kids to protect) making sure they got through school and avoiding the local sink school by giving them music so they got scholarships and didnt end up in prison like one of their best friends at 15 by doing county lines. No help from my own brother or My hisbands family who were busy trying to get out home off us. You couldnt make it up. Imagine what that felt like for me. AM I supposed be be uber polite? What am I supposed to be after that ? Well I got them far enough to decide I am unworthy and cut me off. maybe I should have done none of that. To be honest it is the quality of the soul that creates the person. No problem with my soul. Except deep lonliness. coupled now, that with a man I really trusted who told me I was a forever woman, discarding me out of the blue. after 4 years of on off, Am I supposed to turn into some sort of hulking great creature of retribution ? NO I was always loving, moral, caring, generous, I always fought for the people I love . I always will. Who will fight for me? be there for me? they say it has to be me. Sorry. I dont agree. I think we are human, we should be there for each other.

Instead: i didnt send it to the man i thought was a human , simply worthy of being there for me and me for him.. but hes callous. inadaquate. you cant make someone love you if they dont as the song says. except I think he did and I dint forgive him for his coardice. No one let me be a cowrad. I ahd to keep them safe. and what i didnt say was they nearly got put nto care ??? Am I the invisiblae owman or what

a`nnie, day 9

Dear S, You gave me what I was looking for. You were fresh, new, exciting and I was getting tired in my rapidly stalling marriage. We flirted, and I thought it was harmless. What I did was wrong. I knew it in my bones. I should have refrained. But you pushed, I caved. That's my part of the blame. Now, you infringed boundaries, demanded everything even when I told you I could not give you more. I lost sleep and my will to live. You loved bombed me and then threatened suicide when I could not spend more time with you. My husband watched me slip into panic attacks because of your "attention requirements". You broke me. Congratulations. Still, I hope you got help, and are happy, somehwere. Never contact me again. PS My husband forgave me. Bless his righteous heart.

Instead: Had husband block them everywhere. Went to see a movie. Got therapy, healed and moved on.

Anonymous

I know you think I am cruel. I know you think I woke up one morning, looked at you sleeping next to me, and casually decided to tear our world apart because I was bored or selfish. I can see it in the way you looked at me while I was packing my bags—that look of pure, unadulterated betrayal, like you were looking at a stranger who had stolen the face of someone you loved.But I need you to know, even if I never have the courage to send this, that leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It didn't happen overnight. It was a slow, agonizing realization that built up over months, a tiny whisper at the back of my mind that I tried desperately to drown out. I tried to love you harder. I tried to be the person you thought I was. I stayed up late at night while you were asleep, staring at the ceiling, pleading with myself to just be happy with what we had because you are a good person, and you loved me with everything you had.The truth is, we were dying a slow death, and you were just willing to let it happen because the routine was comfortable. We stopped talking about anything real a year ago. Do you remember when we used to stay up until dawn talking about our fears, our families, the things that kept us awake at night? Somewhere along the line, that turned into text messages about who was buying groceries, what time the plumber was coming, and what show we were going to put on in the background while we ate dinner in silence. We became roommates who shared a bed. We became an anchor holding each other down, pretending that safety was the same thing as happiness.I watched you compromise your own dreams just to keep our relationship stable, and it broke my heart. You stopped painting. You stopped talking about moving closer to the mountains. You settled into a life that was too small for you because you thought that was what being a partner meant. And I was doing the same thing. I looked down the line at five years from now, ten years from now, and I saw two people who resented each other for the lives they didn't get to live.I left because if I stayed, I would have ended up hating myself, and eventually, I would have ended up hating you too. I wanted to save the memory of what we used to be before we dragged it through the mud of a long, bitter resentment. You deserve someone who looks at you and knows, without a single shadow of a doubt, that you are their entire world. You deserve someone who can give you the future you want, not someone who has to force themselves to stay in the present. I am sorry I couldn't be that person. I am sorry I broke your heart to save my own, but staying would have broken us both.

Mo

Mark, When you contacted me in last year (emphasis on your unsolicited contact of me) and told me of your health issues, I decided that, wherever our correspondence took us, I would be kind to you. I would resist calling out your hubris, false memories and anything else that might irk me. I decided this because I felt sorry for you and what you were about to endure as treatment. And so, we ‘conversed’ for weeks and weeks. Always I hoped that I was in some small way making life more bearable – particularly in those sleepless hours of your nights. I hoped that I was open, accepting and comforting. I sought to be entertaining and encouraging. You asked for my forgiveness for your behaviours as a 22, 23, 24-year-old man back in the late 70s. And I tried to give that to you by admitting to my own naive complicity and lack of boundaries. You spoke a great deal about your parents – knowing, I hope, that I loved them (especially your Mum) very much. When you expressed sadness at their parenting ‘failures’ I offered you an explanation that this was not about you – you were so very loved, certainly by her: it was about their own upbringing, education and circumstances. And in March or April, I asked you if you had considered Dignitas. “Assisted Dying” we call it here, where it is legal and as you might expect, very, very well managed/controlled. I had no idea what the legal standing of assisted dying was in UK – I’ve been away a long time and had no idea that, for once, Australian Legislation was more progressive than the UK. I meant no offence. I was not, for a moment, inviting a discussion with me about what your personal choices might be if your treatment failed. I was not implying that your treatment would not be successful, or that I was someone you should include in your decision-making process. Your responses to me (from memory, since I will not re-read our correspondence) were disproportionate to the offence, despite my many apologies. Clearly you did not accept any of my apologies. Perhaps I should have written them in Latin? And to top it all, a final ghastly act of spitefulness (perhaps?), you told me that what I had thought was a post romance kind of friendship straddling 29 years, was meaningless to you. Let me thank you for that clarification. You gave me a lightbulb moment. Never were truer words spoken by you. Because, of course, from the day we met, it all meant nothing to you. Your interest did not last as long as our 2 year 'live-in'. You didn’t care less that I was pregnant during my Final Exams at University. It meant nothing to you that it took ME 6 months to pay my Students Union back the loan which paid for the termination. You lived in MY flat, rent free for years - until you decided to go to University in London. You were controlling, abusive - both physically and mentally, you were financially exploitative. I was nothing but a convenience to you. But still, you pursued me when I moved to London and then mere months later you broke your promise to marry me. I’ve no doubt, based on your earlier dating behaviour, you double dated N and I then (1981), just as you did later in 1986-87 – when you lived in Leicester with N and had an affair with me in London and Nottingham. And let’s not forget, it was YOU again who pursued me and started that affair. So, all of this and the years of ongoing contact after was meaningless to you. But to me – something very damaging that has taken me decades to come to terms with. For the record – a couple of things that I never challenged you on during our chats – but now I feel free to comment honestly on. Again, I remind you that I am paraphrasing what I remember because I will not re-read those hours of exchanges. You need to get over the poor parenting you think you received. Plenty of people had far worse childhoods than did you, and experienced real neglect. And that thing that you wrote for your Mum’s funeral – so poor, so disrespectful. How could you disparage her ability to love her children in that manner - apparently just to respect your toxic sister’s feelings. If you wouldn’t have said that to her face you should not have said it in her eulogy. Shame on you. Don’t ever make an apology in another language. Not even Latin. It is the equivalent to “I’m sorry if you took offence….” apologies. Meaningless, and the truth is - the damage that you inflicted upon me took years and years to work through and to find healing. You wrote about wishing you had protected me from David! What a disingenuous thing to say. You didn’t distrust David for any reason other than you thought I fancied him when we first started dating! The only person I have ever needed protecting from is you. Finally, you dared to call me a liar! Over the silliest of exchanges (my contact in the Adult Literacy project and what I may or may not have said to them regarding you, and my motivation for that mention). So just to remind you we both know you are one of the Greatest Liars ever conceived. Where shall I start? How about your damaged pancreas from a parachute jump when you were with 1 Para (antibiotics were in fact for your acne), double dating myself and S, living with N in Leicester at the weekend and seeing me (and surely others) in London during the week. You perfected Gaslighting before it was ever named. Best of all – your Wedding Vows….ha! Do not EVER, EVER contact me again. You are a bad experience I wish never to be reminded of again and contact with a terrible human, such as you, adds no value to my life.

Instead: Focused on regaining my emotional equilibrium, being thankful that you'd again revealed your true self and getting back to my lovely life. It has taken 18 months hard work to recover from your spite but I am fine, and grateful for closure.

Gail, day 372

I will get over you. I will forget the taste of your lips. I will forget the sound of your voice. I will get to that point... But right now, I still love you for everything you gave me, and I really dislike you for not being able to at least give me a normal conversation at the end. I will try to forgive that you kept telling me how much you love me, how you'll be the best man for me and then kept disappearing, leaving me in silence so many times even though I told you how much it hurts. I've opened up to you like I never ever did to anyone, you pretended how you love all of me and two years later decided that actually that's not 100% true. Didn't I ask you to talk to me? Didn't I ask you to let me know if I am making mistakes? I didn't want to make any with you, I wanted us to succeed. Why couldn't you just talk to me? I hope you are enjoying your life, pretending that I didn't matter and how this is all my fault, because it's easier than to look at yourself and your faults. And I pray to God, I never hear from you or see you again if you are still a person that leaves when it gets hard. You should be ashamed of yourself and your behaviour, to me - you are nothing but a coward now. My brain is sure of that, my heart will catch up with time.

Instead: Continued my day.

Tina, day 39

Hey i miss you, im sorry i ended it xx

Instead: Cleared out my house

Lucy, day 4

You told me it was safe to be vulnerable with you, I told you my fears and insecurities. You then used those against me. I wanted to walk away a while back, I gave you all the options, you stopped me - why? So you could keep breaking me? And now, months later you message every so often just to fck with me? You're not interested in how I am you just want me to absolve you of any guilt you feel. I WON'T DO THAT, if you feel guilty, trust when I say it's fully deserved. I wish I'd never met you - whatever the 'lesson' was, I didn't need it. I poured my love into a black hole when I should have poured it into myself. Fk u!

Instead: Ate chocolate

Anonymous, day 112

You left me for someone younger than our own daughter. I still can't say that out loud to anyone. It sounds mad even saying it to myself. Everyone at church keeps asking how I'm getting on, and I just say fine, coping, you know how it is. I don't think any of them would know what to say if I actually told them the truth. Some days I can barely get myself dressed. Other days I'm so angry I could scream, at my age, screaming like a teenager over a man. I keep thinking about everything we built together: this house, the children, all those holidays, and I don't understand how you can just walk away from all of it without so much as a second thought. I was the one who really raised them, while you got on with your career, and now, in the years I thought we'd finally get to enjoy together, you've gone and started all over again with someone who wasn't even born when we married. Susan is furious with you, more than I am some days. She keeps saying I should have left years ago, given how things were. Maybe she's right. Maybe I stayed out of habit more than anything, towards the end. I don't know how to be on my own at this age. I don't know what to do with a house this size by myself

Instead: Sat in the garden with a cup of tea and watched the birds for a while

Patricia, day 65

I never understood what you saw in me. You are tall, strong, smart, confident, funny, outgoing, you make friends everywhere you go, and you are objectively handsome. I could always see the stares and whispers, cause I am just plain old average me, nothing stunning. And yet, I left you. Not because I didn't love you. I did. 20 years later and I think I still do. I left because we were 17 and lived way too far to make it work. And you came back. Again, and again, and again. I feel like there is this invisible string that ties me to you forever through space and time and so it was natural, of course you came back. But when I stop to really think about why? It doesn't make any sense. Why would you want to keep coming back? You could have anyone. I have seen some of your exes and my god they are gorgeous. I am not. Why? I never asked you that. I didn't ask you that the last time when I probably hurt you enough to never reach out again. I was angry. I was hurt. I poured 15 years of hurt onto you. Every time you showed up and disappeared you took a part of me with you - but deep down I kept belonging to you. And honestly, it will never change. I want to tell you. I want to tell you I am sorry. I want to tell you I have and will always love you. I am not afraid of your rejection, more afraid to realize that the string tying me to you was never there for you. I am afraid to know I hurt you so deeply I can never come back from it. I just need you to know how you own a piece if my heart forever. How you come to me in my dreams and hold my hands in my rough times without ever being there. How you helped me survive a soul wrecking relationship and yet another rebuilding my whole life. How you are perfect in every way that counts and brave, so much braver than me, and that I hope you are happy. I hope what I said didn't actually hurt. I hope you never truly loved me because then I could never truly break you. Because if you did love me as much as I do you, then I ruined both of our chances for a true happy end and I cannot bear that weight. There won't be a time in my life when you won't live in the back of my mind. There won't be a time, when I stop wondering where you are in the world and if you found happiness. You live in my soul. I still sleep with the plushie you got me for my birthday. I still wear the ring on occasions. Because you showed me what love is and I never met anyone like you. I didn't even try. Never will. Love, T

Instead: Took a deep breath I tried to let it go for the millionth time

T, day 2738

I'm so sorry for pressuring you. It was not right. I never should have treated you that way. I should have taken the hint and left you alone. My attention was unwelcome and i never even asked you in so many words if you wanted it. You told me with your actions and your endless procrastination that the answer was no, i just wasn't hearing you. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel unsafe. I am so sorry. I'm not upset with you. I know what your "I've been busy" means. I know what you can't say and i forgive you for not having the nerve to say it. I hope you are ok and i hope you fall in love with someone who sees you the way i saw you, as a beautiful soul deserving of all the love she can muster.

Anonymous, day 38