The apologies people never sent

You lied to me when you proposed a "committed relationship." Lied about both the commitment and the relationship. But, I was the one who kept giving you chances. I was traumatized by caregiving and grief, I was vulnerable and alone. It was just too hard to admit that I was so stupid. So, I let you back again, and again, and again. We tried four times across three years before I was finally done. You knew my life was shattered when you targeted me. Because we had been friends. You were one of the best men I knew. And, you knew me, knew what happened. I thought, since you knew me BEFORE the trauma, you could help me back to the person I was. I would never have guessed that you would leverage our friendship, and your reputation, to lie to get me into bed. But, you knew you would get away with it. I didn't recognize it at first. It was still the pandemic, so it wasn't odd that we didn't go to busy restaurants, but ate picnics by the water. When you'd sneak away from work early to see a Thursday afternoon movie I thought you were making time for me in your busy schedule - not going to an empty theater. Then, there was the movie you walked me out the emergency exit, under the screen, up the dark stairs I could barely see, and I wondered, "Why are we going out this way? This is silly. Are we sneaking out? Are we avoiding being seen???" I didn't say anything- I just filed it away. I think that was the first red flag. No. It wasn't. The first red flag came shortly after we slept together and you, so casually, said, "I don't like 'relationships'" The man who had asked me to be in a "committed relationship" did not like "relationships." I heard it. I didn’t say anything then. You had propositioned someone who was shattered and disconnected. You were expecting that silence. I heard and I saw and I knew, but I had no voice. But, I filed it away. I filed away all of it. Because I saw all of it. The breadcrumbing, the future faking, the pocketing, and lying... when you car wasn't home that night, I set a trap to catch you cheating. I saw, I knew. I caught you. I was strong enough to catch you and break-up with you. But, it tore me apart. You were this great guy. Everyone loved you. An active member of your church, you taught catechism classes and mentored teen boys! And, you were treating me so badly. I did not, yet, understand that this is how toxic men work: the amazing public façade covers the abusive private behavior. I did not, yet, understand that this was NOT my stupidity. I was picked by a predator who knew I'd trust his reputation, and calculated that, in my trauma, I'd tolerate disfunction, toxcity, and abuse. And, I guess to you, it looked like I did tolerate it. After a few months, I accepted your apology and let you back into my life. I didn't feel happy with you. I just couldn't tolerate feeling so stupid. I know that doesn't make sense: if I felt stupid letting you into my life the first time, why would I feel better by doing it again?? Wouldn't it be smarter - stronger - to catch you and be done. Full stop? Because, I wasn't strong - not yet, anyway - so I needed to see more of you to be smart. Yes, I let you back into my life, and I filed away more toxic traits. The boundaries you pushed - but I held anyway. The holidays you skipped out on - so I went with friends and sent photos of me having a great time. All the repairs and renovations to my home I made without you. I was recovering from my trauma - physically and emotionally - and rebuilding my entire life without you. Well, not completely without you, yet. You would orbit in and out of my life- ghosting me after about 6 months. Did you expect that I would chase you? Were you used to anxious women who would beg you to come back? I never chased, and I never begged. I had been shattered, but I was never anxiously attached. And, I was getting stronger without you. So, after four cycles of a "situationship" (or as I coined it a "relationshit") you ghosted me for the last time. Were you hurt when I sent you the text 2 weeks later calling you a distraction that never meant much? Were you insulted that I THANKED YOU for leaving? Because you ghosted me juat days before my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My mom was now dying, and I was relieved you were gone. I was never going to pour my time and energy into someone who didn't reciprocate. So, I would have ended this "thing" my way if you hadn't have ended it your way. I had no fond memories, and feltbno great loss. I told you as much - because that is the way you wanted it. And, YOUR WAY now benefits ME. All that was eight months ago. Mom got sicker and I cared for her - with support from friends I had built in your absences. Mom died and I went to the funeral - with friends who I had gone on holidays you wouldn't spend with me. I am cleaning out her house - with help from people who actually care for me. And, I am decorating her home to make it mine - without having to negotiate anyone elses tastes or preferences. I am not the shattered, grieving widow you preyed upon five years ago. The one who lost her partner in a pandemic, and was piecing her home back together after a natural disaster. The one reeling from all the secondary losses of friendships and financial income. I am healthier now. And much happier without you. So, when I drove past your home the other day, I blocked your number and deleted your contact info. No sadness. No regrets. No emotion at all - but relief. I realize now that I was never stupid - I trusted someone I should have been able to trust. I just needed to stay long enough to leave without a shred of regret. I stayed to see all I needed to see, and to heal as much as I needed to heal. I grew as much as I needed to grow... to walk away from you and never look back. It took me a while, but I know I am not the one who is stupid. I know you better than you know yourself and I have lost nothing- and gained everything - by deleting you from my life. You are the stupid one.

Instead: Got up and lived my life - happier and healthier without him in it.

Anonymous, day 250

I desperately needed you to love me back so I could start a future with you. If only I looked at my actions and understood why you left life would be much easier for me. You started a relationship with me while I was using you to get over my ex. Your actions showed you genuinely cared and focused on yourself while I couldn't let go and deal with my own insecurities. You're worth more than that and I shouldn't have ever been half in for you. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally, supports, and protects you not someone you need to heal from again.

Instead: I went to THERAPY to focus on myself

Anonymous

You were exceptional. You had obvious red flags and behaviour I would've cut off anyone else for. And yet I wanted you in my life. The trust, the emotional maturity, the self-awareness, all that wasn't there. And I never said I love you back, when you said it. We will probably never talk again. But I can finally say it, if only here, I love you. I'm hurt and I'm deeply sad that things didn't work out, and there's some alternative universe where I'm hugging you now and you're kissing me on the top of my head. Doesn't have to be as partners, or as anything else, there was love. I am sorry.

Anonymous

this is the biggest no send. Id go back to day 1 to send this to the bastard... BUT loomk at me, look what I have done what i ddnt desreve... you know how everyone says dont put anything personal on fb? well thats pretending life doesnt happen. re the estrangement epidemic... Im glad my eldest is ok enough to cut me off, but lets remember who i was as a mum, busy keeping them safe from kids thier own age mugging them, from girlfriends putting thier dope stash into their hands when the police came round, going to the police station to get my innocent 15 year old when hed agreed with her to pretend it was his, then renting somewhere when thier dad, with a brain tumour became viiolent and tried to attack me, making us homeless when they were doing thier GCSE's and before (two kids to protect) making sure they got through school and avoiding the local sink school by giving them music so they got scholarships and didnt end up in prison like one of their best friends at 15 by doing county lines. No help from my own brother or My hisbands family who were busy trying to get out home off us. You couldnt make it up. Imagine what that felt like for me. AM I supposed be be uber polite? What am I supposed to be after that ? Well I got them far enough to decide I am unworthy and cut me off. maybe I should have done none of that. To be honest it is the quality of the soul that creates the person. No problem with my soul. Except deep lonliness. coupled now, that with a man I really trusted who told me I was a forever woman, discarding me out of the blue. after 4 years of on off, Am I supposed to turn into some sort of hulking great creature of retribution ? NO I was always loving, moral, caring, generous, I always fought for the people I love . I always will. Who will fight for me? be there for me? they say it has to be me. Sorry. I dont agree. I think we are human, we should be there for each other.

Instead: i didnt send it to the man i thought was a human , simply worthy of being there for me and me for him.. but hes callous. inadaquate. you cant make someone love you if they dont as the song says. except I think he did and I dint forgive him for his coardice. No one let me be a cowrad. I ahd to keep them safe. and what i didnt say was they nearly got put nto care ??? Am I the invisiblae owman or what

a`nnie, day 9

Dear S, You gave me what I was looking for. You were fresh, new, exciting and I was getting tired in my rapidly stalling marriage. We flirted, and I thought it was harmless. What I did was wrong. I knew it in my bones. I should have refrained. But you pushed, I caved. That's my part of the blame. Now, you infringed boundaries, demanded everything even when I told you I could not give you more. I lost sleep and my will to live. You loved bombed me and then threatened suicide when I could not spend more time with you. My husband watched me slip into panic attacks because of your "attention requirements". You broke me. Congratulations. Still, I hope you got help, and are happy, somehwere. Never contact me again. PS My husband forgave me. Bless his righteous heart.

Instead: Had husband block them everywhere. Went to see a movie. Got therapy, healed and moved on.

Anonymous

I know you think I am cruel. I know you think I woke up one morning, looked at you sleeping next to me, and casually decided to tear our world apart because I was bored or selfish. I can see it in the way you looked at me while I was packing my bags—that look of pure, unadulterated betrayal, like you were looking at a stranger who had stolen the face of someone you loved.But I need you to know, even if I never have the courage to send this, that leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It didn't happen overnight. It was a slow, agonizing realization that built up over months, a tiny whisper at the back of my mind that I tried desperately to drown out. I tried to love you harder. I tried to be the person you thought I was. I stayed up late at night while you were asleep, staring at the ceiling, pleading with myself to just be happy with what we had because you are a good person, and you loved me with everything you had.The truth is, we were dying a slow death, and you were just willing to let it happen because the routine was comfortable. We stopped talking about anything real a year ago. Do you remember when we used to stay up until dawn talking about our fears, our families, the things that kept us awake at night? Somewhere along the line, that turned into text messages about who was buying groceries, what time the plumber was coming, and what show we were going to put on in the background while we ate dinner in silence. We became roommates who shared a bed. We became an anchor holding each other down, pretending that safety was the same thing as happiness.I watched you compromise your own dreams just to keep our relationship stable, and it broke my heart. You stopped painting. You stopped talking about moving closer to the mountains. You settled into a life that was too small for you because you thought that was what being a partner meant. And I was doing the same thing. I looked down the line at five years from now, ten years from now, and I saw two people who resented each other for the lives they didn't get to live.I left because if I stayed, I would have ended up hating myself, and eventually, I would have ended up hating you too. I wanted to save the memory of what we used to be before we dragged it through the mud of a long, bitter resentment. You deserve someone who looks at you and knows, without a single shadow of a doubt, that you are their entire world. You deserve someone who can give you the future you want, not someone who has to force themselves to stay in the present. I am sorry I couldn't be that person. I am sorry I broke your heart to save my own, but staying would have broken us both.

Mo

Mark, When you contacted me in last year (emphasis on your unsolicited contact of me) and told me of your health issues, I decided that, wherever our correspondence took us, I would be kind to you. I would resist calling out your hubris, false memories and anything else that might irk me. I decided this because I felt sorry for you and what you were about to endure as treatment. And so, we ‘conversed’ for weeks and weeks. Always I hoped that I was in some small way making life more bearable – particularly in those sleepless hours of your nights. I hoped that I was open, accepting and comforting. I sought to be entertaining and encouraging. You asked for my forgiveness for your behaviours as a 22, 23, 24-year-old man back in the late 70s. And I tried to give that to you by admitting to my own naive complicity and lack of boundaries. You spoke a great deal about your parents – knowing, I hope, that I loved them (especially your Mum) very much. When you expressed sadness at their parenting ‘failures’ I offered you an explanation that this was not about you – you were so very loved, certainly by her: it was about their own upbringing, education and circumstances. And in March or April, I asked you if you had considered Dignitas. “Assisted Dying” we call it here, where it is legal and as you might expect, very, very well managed/controlled. I had no idea what the legal standing of assisted dying was in UK – I’ve been away a long time and had no idea that, for once, Australian Legislation was more progressive than the UK. I meant no offence. I was not, for a moment, inviting a discussion with me about what your personal choices might be if your treatment failed. I was not implying that your treatment would not be successful, or that I was someone you should include in your decision-making process. Your responses to me (from memory, since I will not re-read our correspondence) were disproportionate to the offence, despite my many apologies. Clearly you did not accept any of my apologies. Perhaps I should have written them in Latin? And to top it all, a final ghastly act of spitefulness (perhaps?), you told me that what I had thought was a post romance kind of friendship straddling 29 years, was meaningless to you. Let me thank you for that clarification. You gave me a lightbulb moment. Never were truer words spoken by you. Because, of course, from the day we met, it all meant nothing to you. Your interest did not last as long as our 2 year 'live-in'. You didn’t care less that I was pregnant during my Final Exams at University. It meant nothing to you that it took ME 6 months to pay my Students Union back the loan which paid for the termination. You lived in MY flat, rent free for years - until you decided to go to University in London. You were controlling, abusive - both physically and mentally, you were financially exploitative. I was nothing but a convenience to you. But still, you pursued me when I moved to London and then mere months later you broke your promise to marry me. I’ve no doubt, based on your earlier dating behaviour, you double dated N and I then (1981), just as you did later in 1986-87 – when you lived in Leicester with N and had an affair with me in London and Nottingham. And let’s not forget, it was YOU again who pursued me and started that affair. So, all of this and the years of ongoing contact after was meaningless to you. But to me – something very damaging that has taken me decades to come to terms with. For the record – a couple of things that I never challenged you on during our chats – but now I feel free to comment honestly on. Again, I remind you that I am paraphrasing what I remember because I will not re-read those hours of exchanges. You need to get over the poor parenting you think you received. Plenty of people had far worse childhoods than did you, and experienced real neglect. And that thing that you wrote for your Mum’s funeral – so poor, so disrespectful. How could you disparage her ability to love her children in that manner - apparently just to respect your toxic sister’s feelings. If you wouldn’t have said that to her face you should not have said it in her eulogy. Shame on you. Don’t ever make an apology in another language. Not even Latin. It is the equivalent to “I’m sorry if you took offence….” apologies. Meaningless, and the truth is - the damage that you inflicted upon me took years and years to work through and to find healing. You wrote about wishing you had protected me from David! What a disingenuous thing to say. You didn’t distrust David for any reason other than you thought I fancied him when we first started dating! The only person I have ever needed protecting from is you. Finally, you dared to call me a liar! Over the silliest of exchanges (my contact in the Adult Literacy project and what I may or may not have said to them regarding you, and my motivation for that mention). So just to remind you we both know you are one of the Greatest Liars ever conceived. Where shall I start? How about your damaged pancreas from a parachute jump when you were with 1 Para (antibiotics were in fact for your acne), double dating myself and S, living with N in Leicester at the weekend and seeing me (and surely others) in London during the week. You perfected Gaslighting before it was ever named. Best of all – your Wedding Vows….ha! Do not EVER, EVER contact me again. You are a bad experience I wish never to be reminded of again and contact with a terrible human, such as you, adds no value to my life.

Instead: Focused on regaining my emotional equilibrium, being thankful that you'd again revealed your true self and getting back to my lovely life. It has taken 18 months hard work to recover from your spite but I am fine, and grateful for closure.

Gail, day 372

I will get over you. I will forget the taste of your lips. I will forget the sound of your voice. I will get to that point... But right now, I still love you for everything you gave me, and I really dislike you for not being able to at least give me a normal conversation at the end. I will try to forgive that you kept telling me how much you love me, how you'll be the best man for me and then kept disappearing, leaving me in silence so many times even though I told you how much it hurts. I've opened up to you like I never ever did to anyone, you pretended how you love all of me and two years later decided that actually that's not 100% true. Didn't I ask you to talk to me? Didn't I ask you to let me know if I am making mistakes? I didn't want to make any with you, I wanted us to succeed. Why couldn't you just talk to me? I hope you are enjoying your life, pretending that I didn't matter and how this is all my fault, because it's easier than to look at yourself and your faults. And I pray to God, I never hear from you or see you again if you are still a person that leaves when it gets hard. You should be ashamed of yourself and your behaviour, to me - you are nothing but a coward now. My brain is sure of that, my heart will catch up with time.

Instead: Continued my day.

Tina, day 39

Hey i miss you, im sorry i ended it xx

Instead: Cleared out my house

Lucy, day 4

You told me it was safe to be vulnerable with you, I told you my fears and insecurities. You then used those against me. I wanted to walk away a while back, I gave you all the options, you stopped me - why? So you could keep breaking me? And now, months later you message every so often just to fck with me? You're not interested in how I am you just want me to absolve you of any guilt you feel. I WON'T DO THAT, if you feel guilty, trust when I say it's fully deserved. I wish I'd never met you - whatever the 'lesson' was, I didn't need it. I poured my love into a black hole when I should have poured it into myself. Fk u!

Instead: Ate chocolate

Anonymous, day 112

You left me for someone younger than our own daughter. I still can't say that out loud to anyone. It sounds mad even saying it to myself. Everyone at church keeps asking how I'm getting on, and I just say fine, coping, you know how it is. I don't think any of them would know what to say if I actually told them the truth. Some days I can barely get myself dressed. Other days I'm so angry I could scream, at my age, screaming like a teenager over a man. I keep thinking about everything we built together: this house, the children, all those holidays, and I don't understand how you can just walk away from all of it without so much as a second thought. I was the one who really raised them, while you got on with your career, and now, in the years I thought we'd finally get to enjoy together, you've gone and started all over again with someone who wasn't even born when we married. Susan is furious with you, more than I am some days. She keeps saying I should have left years ago, given how things were. Maybe she's right. Maybe I stayed out of habit more than anything, towards the end. I don't know how to be on my own at this age. I don't know what to do with a house this size by myself

Instead: Sat in the garden with a cup of tea and watched the birds for a while

Patricia, day 65

I never understood what you saw in me. You are tall, strong, smart, confident, funny, outgoing, you make friends everywhere you go, and you are objectively handsome. I could always see the stares and whispers, cause I am just plain old average me, nothing stunning. And yet, I left you. Not because I didn't love you. I did. 20 years later and I think I still do. I left because we were 17 and lived way too far to make it work. And you came back. Again, and again, and again. I feel like there is this invisible string that ties me to you forever through space and time and so it was natural, of course you came back. But when I stop to really think about why? It doesn't make any sense. Why would you want to keep coming back? You could have anyone. I have seen some of your exes and my god they are gorgeous. I am not. Why? I never asked you that. I didn't ask you that the last time when I probably hurt you enough to never reach out again. I was angry. I was hurt. I poured 15 years of hurt onto you. Every time you showed up and disappeared you took a part of me with you - but deep down I kept belonging to you. And honestly, it will never change. I want to tell you. I want to tell you I am sorry. I want to tell you I have and will always love you. I am not afraid of your rejection, more afraid to realize that the string tying me to you was never there for you. I am afraid to know I hurt you so deeply I can never come back from it. I just need you to know how you own a piece if my heart forever. How you come to me in my dreams and hold my hands in my rough times without ever being there. How you helped me survive a soul wrecking relationship and yet another rebuilding my whole life. How you are perfect in every way that counts and brave, so much braver than me, and that I hope you are happy. I hope what I said didn't actually hurt. I hope you never truly loved me because then I could never truly break you. Because if you did love me as much as I do you, then I ruined both of our chances for a true happy end and I cannot bear that weight. There won't be a time in my life when you won't live in the back of my mind. There won't be a time, when I stop wondering where you are in the world and if you found happiness. You live in my soul. I still sleep with the plushie you got me for my birthday. I still wear the ring on occasions. Because you showed me what love is and I never met anyone like you. I didn't even try. Never will. Love, T

Instead: Took a deep breath I tried to let it go for the millionth time

T, day 2738

I'm so sorry for pressuring you. It was not right. I never should have treated you that way. I should have taken the hint and left you alone. My attention was unwelcome and i never even asked you in so many words if you wanted it. You told me with your actions and your endless procrastination that the answer was no, i just wasn't hearing you. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel unsafe. I am so sorry. I'm not upset with you. I know what your "I've been busy" means. I know what you can't say and i forgive you for not having the nerve to say it. I hope you are ok and i hope you fall in love with someone who sees you the way i saw you, as a beautiful soul deserving of all the love she can muster.

Anonymous, day 38

You have no idea what you lost - you're going to be very lonely. I knew i was too good for you...i didn't listen to my friends, my family, anyone and i should have. You've embarrassed me tbh. Anyway, I don't sit in anger too long, it's just hard not having replies and the decency it needs to give them isn't something you ever had.

Instead: Got a dad hug pack on nocontact and thought of your stupid face every time i wanted to break it

charlie

I want you back, but I don’t want us to go back to the way we were. I want you to move on, but I never want to see you with someone else. I want to find someone else, but I’m terrified I’ll only think of you the whole time. I want you, but I don’t. But I do. And I think about you every day. And I’m sorry. And I hope some day you’ll forgive me.

Instead: Moved states

Anonymous, day 363

I hate that you died. You left me, before we could repair the damage that had grown between us. I'm sorry I was so busy holding my family together and working a 40 hour week that I didn't see you distance yourself and realise that you were struggling and needed my help. I really really miss you, to my soul. I hate that you died.

Instead: Carried on, cooked tea.

Dee, day 364

Hello if you are absolutely honest with yourself, you know  that you broke our marriage, and our family, because you found a way to save money quickly, on your own ,for a flat. Your values in this, or lack of them,  are absolutely abhorrent to me, they are reflections of your awful self esteem, how you treat people you see as available rather than outside of your grasp. Martin loved you and talked about him like he was shit on your shoe, he was the last person you would call when everybody else let you down. I should have realised then. You, a product of your emotionally handicapped family , unwittingly employ what is called 'DARVO' Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. This is your family pattern, circular arguments where no one takes responsibility and nothing is solved. Resent, blame, resent, blame.It was a mental abuse that I was too needy and fragile to either see or walk away from.My fault, my projection,  is that I wanted you, so much, to have capacities you simply didnt have. I wanted to be with someone who was intellectually and spiritually settled, and you weren't near any of that. That is very much on me. Now, I don't really, if I am honest, believe you have the capacity to engage me in a meaningful interaction, only the stilted small talk you use to regulate yourself. Which is of no interest to me.  There is a part of me, a small child-like part, that loves you and cannot and will not stop. That it is my damage, i understand that now. It is so dreadfully painful and misses you terribly everyday. So i can't do it for that reason as well.  I try to surround myself with decent people that are good for me.

Instead: wrote a tune

andrew

I wish you could understand how demeaning and hurtful it is to be made a promise in front of our friends and families (not one but TWICE) to love one another until death do us part but then you ask me to let you explore a relationship with another woman to see if it will work out. As your WIFE, I shouldn't have to be on the back burner to another relationship that you want to "test out" before you commit one way or the other.

Instead: I went to the aerial studio and worked on my Trapeze skills

GT, day 1512

I'm sorry I ruined it all by thinking I could do what I knew I couldn't and shouldn't and now it's all so awkward and I miss your messages. I miss being wanted.

Instead: Replay the kiss over and over and over in my head

Anonymous, day 3

It's not at all what you thought - I wasn't a cheating wife. I was a divorced woman still trapped by a controlling and frighteningly intelligent and cunning ex husband. But control always looks better when it's dressed up as care... When I tried to clear him out of my life once and for all, he brought down a hell upon me that I cannot describe - all without raising his hand. I only just survived - he told me several times it would be better if I didn't... I am so sorry - I had to let you go in order to save myself. I know that was confusing and unexpected and I never intended to hurt you and I am so sorry that I did. Please know that our time was the happiest I have ever been. I still think about some of our funny moments, and moments where we really connected - on a thousand layers as you so eloquently observed. I miss you every minute of every day. Not a day has passed when I have not said good morning and good night to you, where I have not spoken to you in my mind, or whispered your name when I am alone. I hope that one day we get the chance to sit and talk, to clear the air, and I hope that through that, you will understand and forgive me for the pain that I brought you. As I look up to the bright stars tonight, I hope that you also look upon the stars and that that fleetingly we are connected. Please know that I have learned to find happiness and that I have found a way to be safe and to be OK. One day, hopefully, I will find the way back to the true lightness and freedom and joy that we had. With much love and every wish that you have found happiness and love ♥️

Instead: I woke up and decided that I would survive

Anonymous, day 1095

Throughout our time together (37 years) I searched for connection, partnership, reassurance and emotional safety. I tried to communicate my needs, raised concerns, suggested solutions, and repeatedly tried to repair what was broken between us. You often said the right things, but action and meaningful change rarely followed. Hope turned into disappointment, disappointment into resentment, and resentment into exhaustion. You just complained how your life was so miserable, how you lost yourself. I loved the person you showed me in the beginning. Over time, however, I learned that relationships are not defined by how they start, but by what people consistently choose to do. I kept holding onto who you once were while being repeatedly hurt by who you became. And who you became is not my fault. You hurt me, said sorry, but didn’t want to repair what was broken. So I changed but you just wanted the old version of me without doing the work that would make me feel safe again. An apology is not a changed behavior: accountability isn’t saying sorry, it’s caring enough to rebuild what was broken. I forgave when I was broken: I still loved you but needed you to help me heal: my normal was a place where I kept getting hurt: that emotional impact is too much. Your avoidance is a reflection of your fear of everything that is needed to function in a relationship. It was a choice you made; you let your fears control your behaviors. The ghosting was the final indication of your character. It was so simple … take responsibility for your actions, be kind and caring of me, but you chose yourself and ran away.

Instead: Bought a sex toy

Anonymous, day 126

I fell in love with you when I shouldn't have. I still love you. I'm afraid I will always love you. You're beautiful, kind, funny, and for the first time in a very long time you made me feel like I matter to someone. I'm married and I have children. I love my children and I could never imagine a life away from them, and more importantly I'm afraid to emotionally damage them for the sake of my happiness. I hope you find someone who treats you and appreciates you the same way that I would have done in a different life.

Instead: Bottled everything up and carried on with life.

M, day 4000000

I wish you cared enough to stop choosing your comfort above my pain. I wish you stopped lying. I wish I stopped loving you and break up earlier. You say you couldn't take that the price of our relationship was my health, my well-being, my life. But you did. It was totally okay, to lie, to betray and you told it "different interpretation of truth". This doesn't exist. There is truth and lies, that's it. I'm angry that I loved you this much to believe you'll change when there was only evidence that you won't. Not because you couldn't, but because you were not willing to change. You choose alcohol over me, but said you love me. You said, you love me and I shouldn't suffer, but you made me suffer. You. Did. Not. Care. I'm so angry and disappointed from myself for still loving you. I did everything I could to save you from your demons and at the end, mine were nearly killing me. I'm done. I will no longer try to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I choose myself again, after two years choosing firstly you. It's six weeks after the ending of our relationship and I did not cry. Not once. I feel like myself again. I feel free. I feel like a lovable human being. It hurts to say it to you and I'm sorry for it, but leaving you, was the best I could do for my own sanity. I am happy and I started to live my life again. I loved you very deeply but you really nearly destroyed me and I hope you'll get this someday and understand what you did.

Instead: Cuddle my cats

C., day 44

I want so much to convince you that we deserve another chance but nothing I say is going to convince you of that. I can't convince you to forgive me, I can't convince you to see me differently. I know I wasn't perfect, but I'm committed to making it different. I didn't think I was asking you for too much. Accountability, respect. Why can't you see that we can have a beautiful life together?

Instead: I did send him a text but the shame I felt after sending it stopped me from sending another. I'm proud that I can make a change, even if it takes time for me to learn to stop self abandoning

Anonymous, day 64

You’re a pathological liar. You’ll never see it that way, but you are. Not huge lies, but they still count. Broken promises are lies. The narrative you’ve created to justify your infidelity is a lie. Describing this divorce as amicable and telling people we’re just on different paths are both lies. And I should have known from the start when you were lying about taking your dating profiles down. I could have forgiven the infidelity, but I don’t think you would have ever agreed to leave her in the past. I would have moved to wherever, but I don’t think you would have wanted the responsibility that came with that. I would have listened every time you needed to talk - about me, us, work, everything - but you never wanted to have a hard conversation. Lied and said everything was fine. It was your response when I asked how you couldn’t be ready to tell me you wanted a divorce, but were fine to have an affair with your old gf that finally allowed me to see who you are. When you said “well, telling you I wanted a divorce would have been a hard conversation” and didn’t think there was anything wrong with that logic I finally saw the real you. You were never going to be there for me when I needed it. You were always there for you and your image. But it still hurts. I’m still grieving what I thought we would have, even if the person I thought you were doesn’t exist. And that’s one of the harder things to deal with; you are not the person I thought you were if you can treat me like this. If you can call her while I’m asleep in your bed. If you were able to lie to my face so easily when I asked about her. If you chose her over me - repeatedly. If you can’t drum up even enough empathy to check in on me. After 11 fucking years it has come to this. A coward. That’s what you are.

Instead: Watered my plants. Cooked dinner.

Anonymous, day 36